Have you ever had so much happen at once that you weren't sure where to begin to try to understand it all?
I have had a situation that I had to trust others to take care of me. My past tells me that allowing others to take care of me, or speak up for me just amounts to more abuse and blame. More opportunities to be disappointed, rejected, or best of all not heard or believed. I was told I was a liar growing up. (I didn't even realize that till I typed it) no wonder I value truth so much. I am trying to defend myself among other things.
The situation is a direct link to healing my core childhood stuff, but, I am adult now with an adults abilities and God is here to guide the way. Also, I left it in God's hand and He took care of it. Scripture verses during prayer to read was provided to console along the way and explain how God is wondrous. The next day people who were doing their part stepped in an took care of the situation and me.
My mother and my relationship with her are healing. All of the things that are going on around me directly relate to her and my childhood and my ability to let go and be who I am meant to be today, now. Not in the past. The books, the blogs, the chiropractor doing release work, all the different components are here at the same time to help me heal.
I am in a place of trust to allow all the healing to take place. As I write this all the lovely energy and wonder are so hard to write. Because so much has happened and I am trying to encapsulate it all at once.
The chiro, doing release work. The situation at work, where I have said enough, I am done. And people have stepped up to care for me and do what they are meant to do. I have learned I can ask for help, I can say I am done, I can stand up and say no to being bullied and controlled by someone today who is very much like my mother from childhood. A huge trigger, if I allow it. I chose to learn from her instead, to heal.
The pain in my back and hip, release, be present and aware, the situation at work, to say in the present, I am Done! To say my peace to people around me and not get dumped on.
The books I am reading and the blogs. Thinking, all on thinking. WOMEN FOOD AND GOD. Probably one of the most important pieces I have ever read. Honest, open and highly readable. Its on pain, living in the moment, being present, much like body pain. But, when you are in pain for so long, who wants to be in pain.
But not looking at the pain and being present will not make it go away, it become fully entrenched.
I knew years ago about pain, and needing to look at it and be with it, embrace it. I lost track of that for a long time. Now I am back, living in pain, and allowing it. And really its not scary, scary is living in it and not allowing it. Keeping it at bay in the back of my mind, deep in my body, masking it.
I am standing up and saying I AM DONE. I am done done done. Enough. Someone recently said that word to me, enough. I love that word.
Enough pain, enough sadness, enough stress about the fat on my body. Enough.
I embrace whatever comes, whatever it is I embrace it. Because I know that as I be in this place whatever it is there is a possibility of seeing and being in a place I never expected to be, because I am allowing a whole new experience who knows what is going to evolve. I am allowing a journey into the unknown.
I have lived my life so long on what I think it is instead of what it could be.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
A Realization
I was shopping the other day and while I was standing at the check out I had a realization. I think I had inklings of it over the years but it settled deep inside me this time.
As I looked over all the isles of "food" all the packaged, tinned, bagged, created in a lab somewhere "food". I realized that I had allowed myself to be brainwashed by those very people creating these "foods". Slick advertising, convincing me that I would be a better parent, citizen, woman, etc. if I ate that food or served my children that food. Or entertained using that food.
Those boxes and bags and tins convincing me that I could become, svelte, beautiful, successful, seductive if I used those products.
What those products are in fact doing is killing me, they are poison for my body and my children's bodies, for my loved ones. I am buying into big business - I am allowing big business to convince me that I will be all these things that I think I am not. A magic pill to make me perfect because I am convinced I am so imperfect. And big business takes advantage of that. Shame on them and shame on me for buying into that.
I have changed my buying habits over the past decade plus and even more so in recent years. Purchasing organic, supporting small businesses that provide good service and quality products that won't kill me or mine that my liver doesn't have to filter out along with my other organs.
I am allowing "food" to kill me slowly but surely and . . . I am paying for that favor.
I am paying for the pleasure of enjoying it in my mouth and my brain being happy that I am buying into all the hype and here I sit slowly dieing from eating bad food.
Now don't get me wrong, we don't eat processed food as a rule I cook from "scratch" or raw. And we probably eat more consciously than most. But . . . this shift was something that came and settled deep.
I chose to eat with health and vitality, I choose to clean with products that are good for our home and our bodies and the world around us (and have done for 20 years plus with Amway products). I choose to use the most natural of beauty products. My face cleanser is dry powered milk (lactic acid) and organic chickpea flour (this is an ayurvedic treatment based on my body type) and coconut oil for a moisturizer.
This is not always easy, I still want to buy into the "story" and be like everyone else. To be included in the tribe that rolls along buying their way into feeling good about themselves. Or just to have a momentary mental break to drug myself.
Bottom line - why am I buying products from huge stores to put my good money into someone else's pocket? To make myself poor in spirit, body, and mind, and pocket book too.
I maintain for me that personal wealth would be to go to the farmers market and purchase everything from them, produce, the jams or jellies, baking, meat and eggs and cheese all the lovely hand made items from each vendor.
Alas, its not always possible with our budget. But for me that would be wealth. To support all these people and their dreams because they help support my dream.
I am so grateful you are each in my life supporting dreams. Col
As I looked over all the isles of "food" all the packaged, tinned, bagged, created in a lab somewhere "food". I realized that I had allowed myself to be brainwashed by those very people creating these "foods". Slick advertising, convincing me that I would be a better parent, citizen, woman, etc. if I ate that food or served my children that food. Or entertained using that food.
Those boxes and bags and tins convincing me that I could become, svelte, beautiful, successful, seductive if I used those products.
What those products are in fact doing is killing me, they are poison for my body and my children's bodies, for my loved ones. I am buying into big business - I am allowing big business to convince me that I will be all these things that I think I am not. A magic pill to make me perfect because I am convinced I am so imperfect. And big business takes advantage of that. Shame on them and shame on me for buying into that.
I have changed my buying habits over the past decade plus and even more so in recent years. Purchasing organic, supporting small businesses that provide good service and quality products that won't kill me or mine that my liver doesn't have to filter out along with my other organs.
I am allowing "food" to kill me slowly but surely and . . . I am paying for that favor.
I am paying for the pleasure of enjoying it in my mouth and my brain being happy that I am buying into all the hype and here I sit slowly dieing from eating bad food.
Now don't get me wrong, we don't eat processed food as a rule I cook from "scratch" or raw. And we probably eat more consciously than most. But . . . this shift was something that came and settled deep.
I chose to eat with health and vitality, I choose to clean with products that are good for our home and our bodies and the world around us (and have done for 20 years plus with Amway products). I choose to use the most natural of beauty products. My face cleanser is dry powered milk (lactic acid) and organic chickpea flour (this is an ayurvedic treatment based on my body type) and coconut oil for a moisturizer.
This is not always easy, I still want to buy into the "story" and be like everyone else. To be included in the tribe that rolls along buying their way into feeling good about themselves. Or just to have a momentary mental break to drug myself.
Bottom line - why am I buying products from huge stores to put my good money into someone else's pocket? To make myself poor in spirit, body, and mind, and pocket book too.
I maintain for me that personal wealth would be to go to the farmers market and purchase everything from them, produce, the jams or jellies, baking, meat and eggs and cheese all the lovely hand made items from each vendor.
Alas, its not always possible with our budget. But for me that would be wealth. To support all these people and their dreams because they help support my dream.
I am so grateful you are each in my life supporting dreams. Col
Saturday, December 31, 2011
interesting observations
hmmm . . . i have eaten my lunch and i waited a bit too long and i am still hungry, against better judgement i added peanut butter and bread.
why am i eating this. i know i will "feel" not hungry shortly, and yet my brain wants something. my inside being wants something. what is it? why i am feeling so compelled to eat what i know i don't need. i seldom eat peanut butter and bread and when i do its for comfort.
why do i need comforting, and really what do i want?
after finally figuring it out, i want to do things. i want to read my book, watch the making of downton abbey, and there are two magazines. i want to do it all. and yet my self belief is i am not supposed to. i am not supposed to touch or journey, make a mess, be a presence i am not supposed to be at all. lies that i have been told.
somewhere inside of me is a belief that i don't get to do things, nice things simple things so i will squash it, and comfort myself.
i have had this thought before and my body wants to move and go and i keep it still, i keep it held in place, don't move, don't breath, don't exist. don't want, or desire, it will only lead to being punished and zipped back into that bag and tied into the crib.
i have the right to move, to desire, to create and have and be. i have the right to do all these things and more, and i don't need to squash it anymore with childish peanut butter sandwiches. i can have gourmet adult peanut butter sandwiches that are enjoyable and pleasurable and unnecessary to squash and soothe but to enjoy and nourish.
i have a self belief that i don't get to do what i want. i think that is something that i am going to put to the side and make a new truth. because the truth is - i get to have what i want. i get to have desires and wants, and i get to create them and have them and live in health with them.
God given - and i am open to receive.
Thank you for clarity
why am i eating this. i know i will "feel" not hungry shortly, and yet my brain wants something. my inside being wants something. what is it? why i am feeling so compelled to eat what i know i don't need. i seldom eat peanut butter and bread and when i do its for comfort.
why do i need comforting, and really what do i want?
after finally figuring it out, i want to do things. i want to read my book, watch the making of downton abbey, and there are two magazines. i want to do it all. and yet my self belief is i am not supposed to. i am not supposed to touch or journey, make a mess, be a presence i am not supposed to be at all. lies that i have been told.
somewhere inside of me is a belief that i don't get to do things, nice things simple things so i will squash it, and comfort myself.
i have had this thought before and my body wants to move and go and i keep it still, i keep it held in place, don't move, don't breath, don't exist. don't want, or desire, it will only lead to being punished and zipped back into that bag and tied into the crib.
i have the right to move, to desire, to create and have and be. i have the right to do all these things and more, and i don't need to squash it anymore with childish peanut butter sandwiches. i can have gourmet adult peanut butter sandwiches that are enjoyable and pleasurable and unnecessary to squash and soothe but to enjoy and nourish.
i have a self belief that i don't get to do what i want. i think that is something that i am going to put to the side and make a new truth. because the truth is - i get to have what i want. i get to have desires and wants, and i get to create them and have them and live in health with them.
God given - and i am open to receive.
Thank you for clarity
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Women Food and God - Reteaching Lovliness
"The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value and possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. Not fight it. Not force it. Not deprive it. Not shame it. Not do anything but accept - and , yes, Virginia - understand it. Because if you force and deprive and shame yourself into being thing, you end up a deprived, shamed, fearful person who will also be thin for ten minutes. When you abuse your self (by taunting or threatening yourself) you become a bruised human being no matter how much you weight. When you demonize yourself, when you pit on part of you against another - your iron clad will against your bottomless hunger - you end up feeling split and crazed and afraid that the part you locked away will, when you are least prepared, take over and ruin your life. Losing weight on any program in which you tell yourself that left to your real impulses you would devour the universe is like building a skyscraper on sand: without a foundation, the new structure collapses. - Geneen Roth - Women Food and God.
Amen to that sister. I just sat down with a cup of tea before my walk - wanting to eat, and not hungry but wondering why eating, is included. Curiousity. I think that if I walk and I get tired that I am not good enough, so I better fuel up, to be good enough. So what if I get tired and I need to rest on the way. Who says that is not okay?! Where did that lie from somewhere else become my lie? Where did I get the lie that I am not good enough? That I better eat to be good enough or loved. I was forced and shamed to eat all my food at dinner. When I wasn't hungry and hated it. I HATE SHAME! I will not be shamed another moment. I can eat or not eat. What happens if I get really hungry on the way, and want to eat what will happen?! Where will my thoughts go, where will my feelings go. I panic even thinking about it! Its okay to be hungry. I have enough body mass to be safe and sound having a walk and being hungry. Its okay. Breath and enjoy the day, the lightness of being.
BTW - What I just wrote out for you sums me up to pretty much a tea. What happens if I let loose and let it all go?! Hmmm . . .
Amen to that sister. I just sat down with a cup of tea before my walk - wanting to eat, and not hungry but wondering why eating, is included. Curiousity. I think that if I walk and I get tired that I am not good enough, so I better fuel up, to be good enough. So what if I get tired and I need to rest on the way. Who says that is not okay?! Where did that lie from somewhere else become my lie? Where did I get the lie that I am not good enough? That I better eat to be good enough or loved. I was forced and shamed to eat all my food at dinner. When I wasn't hungry and hated it. I HATE SHAME! I will not be shamed another moment. I can eat or not eat. What happens if I get really hungry on the way, and want to eat what will happen?! Where will my thoughts go, where will my feelings go. I panic even thinking about it! Its okay to be hungry. I have enough body mass to be safe and sound having a walk and being hungry. Its okay. Breath and enjoy the day, the lightness of being.
BTW - What I just wrote out for you sums me up to pretty much a tea. What happens if I let loose and let it all go?! Hmmm . . .
Saturday, October 29, 2011
just when you thought it was safe!
http://www.christieinge.com/
okay, i was busy searching this site and found this page.
MANY OF THESE AUTHORS I HAVE HEARD OF - in particular Geneen Roth
The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value, possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. – Geneen Roth
I started her book and then got lost in other stuff. I think its back to the library for it! I recognized myself in her first chapter along with many other women.
There is so much information out there. We are so worth the time, to rest, read, learn, breath and enjoy the blessings that have been so richly bestowed up us.
With love
Col
okay, i was busy searching this site and found this page.
MANY OF THESE AUTHORS I HAVE HEARD OF - in particular Geneen Roth
The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value, possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. – Geneen Roth
I started her book and then got lost in other stuff. I think its back to the library for it! I recognized myself in her first chapter along with many other women.
There is so much information out there. We are so worth the time, to rest, read, learn, breath and enjoy the blessings that have been so richly bestowed up us.
With love
Col
3 BLOGS OR SITES TO HAVE A LOOK AT - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
http://www.brookecastillo.com/brooke_castillo/ - think on purpose - tell your own mind
http://www.christieinge.com/ - intuitive eating and weight loss
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/ - thinking- her blog on the kitchen pie is awesome!
Because I love each one of you and would love to see if there is something is there for each one of you.
Also, my friend Linda is a Soul Coach among other things and you could receive her message as well. So lovely and always timely.
Linda@soulflow.ca
http://www.christieinge.com/ - intuitive eating and weight loss
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/ - thinking- her blog on the kitchen pie is awesome!
Because I love each one of you and would love to see if there is something is there for each one of you.
Also, my friend Linda is a Soul Coach among other things and you could receive her message as well. So lovely and always timely.
Linda@soulflow.ca
Thoughts . . . we all have them!
i have been given many different messages from the Universe lately on thought, they have come in old magazine articles, blogs etc. i was thinking of thought this a.m. and went back and followed another blog and found this.
yesterday was the day 7 years ago that kat was hit by the truck. it was only quietly in the back of my mind this year. for which i am grateful (beyond grateful, hmmmm what is beyond grateful? more food for thought) ha thought!
anyways, when she was hit and the ensuing time there after, i lost 10 lbs in one month. now many of you might think that the stress etc. but, normally i eat when stressed. its the first go to. a couple of years after her accident when i looked back wondering how the weight came off so easily, i realized that i wasn't thinking about weight, food, or whatever else. i was only thinking about her and the family.
i realized even then that my thoughts were the determining factor. 30 years ago, there was a seminar on weight loss etc. and it was all on thoughts.
there are so many messages coming to me on thought the past 48 hours. and the past several months and years even, however, it seems more condensed.
THOUGHTS. I have been really encouraging myself and those close to me, to look at how their bodies feel when they get on a though pattern. Because really our thoughts often are fibs, just clicking along. What is the truth?!
I am seeing a chiro. who is helping to heal the injuries and asymmetry in my body. I have submitted myself to a personal trainer who he recommended me to to help get balance back. I am waiting to hear back from her. I am embarrassed beyond measure with my body and the weight etc. and having to submit to her and me being able to help others and not myself. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!? Not to be able to take care of myself.
I just realized that its an old thought pattern. When caught up in childhood abuse and violence I couldn't help myself (who could have at that time) and I have a thought pattern that is the same today. Then I was a small young child, caught in violence, and abuse by adults. Today, I am a capable strong woman, skilled and able to care for myself. New thoughts.
That is one of the things I have really begun to see is my thoughts and old beliefs and where do they stand today.
As Bunny said "who taught you that?" Who taught me to think that I was so fat, ugly, lazy and unworthy?
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/author/thethinkerfixer/
I think the thing that really stands out for me right now, is non-thought. Living in a place of being very present and not thinking, just being. I like that, I don't get so tired there.
yesterday was the day 7 years ago that kat was hit by the truck. it was only quietly in the back of my mind this year. for which i am grateful (beyond grateful, hmmmm what is beyond grateful? more food for thought) ha thought!
anyways, when she was hit and the ensuing time there after, i lost 10 lbs in one month. now many of you might think that the stress etc. but, normally i eat when stressed. its the first go to. a couple of years after her accident when i looked back wondering how the weight came off so easily, i realized that i wasn't thinking about weight, food, or whatever else. i was only thinking about her and the family.
i realized even then that my thoughts were the determining factor. 30 years ago, there was a seminar on weight loss etc. and it was all on thoughts.
there are so many messages coming to me on thought the past 48 hours. and the past several months and years even, however, it seems more condensed.
THOUGHTS. I have been really encouraging myself and those close to me, to look at how their bodies feel when they get on a though pattern. Because really our thoughts often are fibs, just clicking along. What is the truth?!
I am seeing a chiro. who is helping to heal the injuries and asymmetry in my body. I have submitted myself to a personal trainer who he recommended me to to help get balance back. I am waiting to hear back from her. I am embarrassed beyond measure with my body and the weight etc. and having to submit to her and me being able to help others and not myself. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!? Not to be able to take care of myself.
I just realized that its an old thought pattern. When caught up in childhood abuse and violence I couldn't help myself (who could have at that time) and I have a thought pattern that is the same today. Then I was a small young child, caught in violence, and abuse by adults. Today, I am a capable strong woman, skilled and able to care for myself. New thoughts.
That is one of the things I have really begun to see is my thoughts and old beliefs and where do they stand today.
As Bunny said "who taught you that?" Who taught me to think that I was so fat, ugly, lazy and unworthy?
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/author/thethinkerfixer/
I think the thing that really stands out for me right now, is non-thought. Living in a place of being very present and not thinking, just being. I like that, I don't get so tired there.
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