http://www.christieinge.com/
okay, i was busy searching this site and found this page.
MANY OF THESE AUTHORS I HAVE HEARD OF - in particular Geneen Roth
The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value, possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. – Geneen Roth
I started her book and then got lost in other stuff. I think its back to the library for it! I recognized myself in her first chapter along with many other women.
There is so much information out there. We are so worth the time, to rest, read, learn, breath and enjoy the blessings that have been so richly bestowed up us.
With love
Col
Saturday, October 29, 2011
3 BLOGS OR SITES TO HAVE A LOOK AT - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
http://www.brookecastillo.com/brooke_castillo/ - think on purpose - tell your own mind
http://www.christieinge.com/ - intuitive eating and weight loss
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/ - thinking- her blog on the kitchen pie is awesome!
Because I love each one of you and would love to see if there is something is there for each one of you.
Also, my friend Linda is a Soul Coach among other things and you could receive her message as well. So lovely and always timely.
Linda@soulflow.ca
http://www.christieinge.com/ - intuitive eating and weight loss
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/ - thinking- her blog on the kitchen pie is awesome!
Because I love each one of you and would love to see if there is something is there for each one of you.
Also, my friend Linda is a Soul Coach among other things and you could receive her message as well. So lovely and always timely.
Linda@soulflow.ca
Thoughts . . . we all have them!
i have been given many different messages from the Universe lately on thought, they have come in old magazine articles, blogs etc. i was thinking of thought this a.m. and went back and followed another blog and found this.
yesterday was the day 7 years ago that kat was hit by the truck. it was only quietly in the back of my mind this year. for which i am grateful (beyond grateful, hmmmm what is beyond grateful? more food for thought) ha thought!
anyways, when she was hit and the ensuing time there after, i lost 10 lbs in one month. now many of you might think that the stress etc. but, normally i eat when stressed. its the first go to. a couple of years after her accident when i looked back wondering how the weight came off so easily, i realized that i wasn't thinking about weight, food, or whatever else. i was only thinking about her and the family.
i realized even then that my thoughts were the determining factor. 30 years ago, there was a seminar on weight loss etc. and it was all on thoughts.
there are so many messages coming to me on thought the past 48 hours. and the past several months and years even, however, it seems more condensed.
THOUGHTS. I have been really encouraging myself and those close to me, to look at how their bodies feel when they get on a though pattern. Because really our thoughts often are fibs, just clicking along. What is the truth?!
I am seeing a chiro. who is helping to heal the injuries and asymmetry in my body. I have submitted myself to a personal trainer who he recommended me to to help get balance back. I am waiting to hear back from her. I am embarrassed beyond measure with my body and the weight etc. and having to submit to her and me being able to help others and not myself. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!? Not to be able to take care of myself.
I just realized that its an old thought pattern. When caught up in childhood abuse and violence I couldn't help myself (who could have at that time) and I have a thought pattern that is the same today. Then I was a small young child, caught in violence, and abuse by adults. Today, I am a capable strong woman, skilled and able to care for myself. New thoughts.
That is one of the things I have really begun to see is my thoughts and old beliefs and where do they stand today.
As Bunny said "who taught you that?" Who taught me to think that I was so fat, ugly, lazy and unworthy?
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/author/thethinkerfixer/
I think the thing that really stands out for me right now, is non-thought. Living in a place of being very present and not thinking, just being. I like that, I don't get so tired there.
yesterday was the day 7 years ago that kat was hit by the truck. it was only quietly in the back of my mind this year. for which i am grateful (beyond grateful, hmmmm what is beyond grateful? more food for thought) ha thought!
anyways, when she was hit and the ensuing time there after, i lost 10 lbs in one month. now many of you might think that the stress etc. but, normally i eat when stressed. its the first go to. a couple of years after her accident when i looked back wondering how the weight came off so easily, i realized that i wasn't thinking about weight, food, or whatever else. i was only thinking about her and the family.
i realized even then that my thoughts were the determining factor. 30 years ago, there was a seminar on weight loss etc. and it was all on thoughts.
there are so many messages coming to me on thought the past 48 hours. and the past several months and years even, however, it seems more condensed.
THOUGHTS. I have been really encouraging myself and those close to me, to look at how their bodies feel when they get on a though pattern. Because really our thoughts often are fibs, just clicking along. What is the truth?!
I am seeing a chiro. who is helping to heal the injuries and asymmetry in my body. I have submitted myself to a personal trainer who he recommended me to to help get balance back. I am waiting to hear back from her. I am embarrassed beyond measure with my body and the weight etc. and having to submit to her and me being able to help others and not myself. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!? Not to be able to take care of myself.
I just realized that its an old thought pattern. When caught up in childhood abuse and violence I couldn't help myself (who could have at that time) and I have a thought pattern that is the same today. Then I was a small young child, caught in violence, and abuse by adults. Today, I am a capable strong woman, skilled and able to care for myself. New thoughts.
That is one of the things I have really begun to see is my thoughts and old beliefs and where do they stand today.
As Bunny said "who taught you that?" Who taught me to think that I was so fat, ugly, lazy and unworthy?
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/author/thethinkerfixer/
I think the thing that really stands out for me right now, is non-thought. Living in a place of being very present and not thinking, just being. I like that, I don't get so tired there.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
oops, its been awhile
as my friend has reminded me!
i think i have been isolating a bit, stuck in my head. also, i have been toying with having 2 blogs. i live in a duality in my mind (no i don't think its another person per se just another side of my thoughts, and they are not always healthy and forward thinking!)
been knitting quite a bit. and loving that. time spent on the ball field with the boy. time spent wondering why i won't forgive my husband past transgressions (i can forgive most everyone else) and he has hit the nail on the head, its just him. hmmmm . . . . left over burned out feelings and thoughts. i told you i was isolating. not good.
enjoying long walks, either with friends or by myself. reading a bit. started a nia class. that was fun.
i feel kind of stilted writing. perhaps as i learn to just sit down and write it will flow. if i was writing my duality it might look like this:
neil mccrea announced his retirement from rock 101. please tell me he is taking don cherry with him!
why do people bag their dogs poop and then leave the little blue or white bag on the side of the road. i saw one and it was obvious that someone got into their car and flung it under the car and drove away. the little blue top waving bravely in the breeze. or they leave it on the embankment in front of the windshield for all to see.
how about hanging in trees or shrubs. WTF! note that the poops are always quite small, so some insidious little dog with its insidious dog owner. (not fair to all dog owners i know but that is where my head is at just for the moment)
what about people on cell phones while driving. or texting at speed on the highway. the law is for everyone but you, is that it? you are so special that the rest of us risk death or something like it, because you are special. bet your mom told you that!
if one more person pulls a u-turn in front of me and i have to break to not hit them i think i may just accelerate.
i think that's it for now
i think i have been isolating a bit, stuck in my head. also, i have been toying with having 2 blogs. i live in a duality in my mind (no i don't think its another person per se just another side of my thoughts, and they are not always healthy and forward thinking!)
been knitting quite a bit. and loving that. time spent on the ball field with the boy. time spent wondering why i won't forgive my husband past transgressions (i can forgive most everyone else) and he has hit the nail on the head, its just him. hmmmm . . . . left over burned out feelings and thoughts. i told you i was isolating. not good.
enjoying long walks, either with friends or by myself. reading a bit. started a nia class. that was fun.
i feel kind of stilted writing. perhaps as i learn to just sit down and write it will flow. if i was writing my duality it might look like this:
neil mccrea announced his retirement from rock 101. please tell me he is taking don cherry with him!
why do people bag their dogs poop and then leave the little blue or white bag on the side of the road. i saw one and it was obvious that someone got into their car and flung it under the car and drove away. the little blue top waving bravely in the breeze. or they leave it on the embankment in front of the windshield for all to see.
how about hanging in trees or shrubs. WTF! note that the poops are always quite small, so some insidious little dog with its insidious dog owner. (not fair to all dog owners i know but that is where my head is at just for the moment)
what about people on cell phones while driving. or texting at speed on the highway. the law is for everyone but you, is that it? you are so special that the rest of us risk death or something like it, because you are special. bet your mom told you that!
if one more person pulls a u-turn in front of me and i have to break to not hit them i think i may just accelerate.
i think that's it for now
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Playing and Staying
Had my first session with HW (Healing Woman) and I came away with many things and I am going to embrace what it is that came up!
One thing I want to sit in right now, that I have visited before is this.
Being safe and allowed to play and be in my body and in this place. So often I was drawn away from my play and fun and abused. I had figured this out so long ago, play and be and get hurt.
What HW helped me with tonight was - I still fight off being vulnerable trying to stay safe. The food was a way for me to stay safe to not allow the feeling of being vulnerable.
Also, my little girl tonight came out to play and HW got to speak with her, and she spoke with both of us. I love her energy and her indomitable spirit. How she survived! She's 4 by the way.
What she had to say was "I am here and I play with my dolls and be a little girl, and ya, those things happened, however, I am happy and here and full, ticking along" What I realized was I was currently and all along grieving for her and needing to perpetuate this sadness etc. And really that is not what she wants or needs. She is happy and very well adjusted. WHAT A WONDER!
So I am going to spend some time getting to know her and love her and play. We are going to work on an art project together and she let HW know that she wanted popsicles! Bought popsicles on the way home!
I am very tired tonight, in a great way.
Love
One thing I want to sit in right now, that I have visited before is this.
Being safe and allowed to play and be in my body and in this place. So often I was drawn away from my play and fun and abused. I had figured this out so long ago, play and be and get hurt.
What HW helped me with tonight was - I still fight off being vulnerable trying to stay safe. The food was a way for me to stay safe to not allow the feeling of being vulnerable.
Also, my little girl tonight came out to play and HW got to speak with her, and she spoke with both of us. I love her energy and her indomitable spirit. How she survived! She's 4 by the way.
What she had to say was "I am here and I play with my dolls and be a little girl, and ya, those things happened, however, I am happy and here and full, ticking along" What I realized was I was currently and all along grieving for her and needing to perpetuate this sadness etc. And really that is not what she wants or needs. She is happy and very well adjusted. WHAT A WONDER!
So I am going to spend some time getting to know her and love her and play. We are going to work on an art project together and she let HW know that she wanted popsicles! Bought popsicles on the way home!
I am very tired tonight, in a great way.
Love
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Truth and Punishment
As I go through my days right now, speaking my truth as I know it today, I am having this all pervading fear. Nothing is different each day from any other day, the days are really very quiet and calm compared with the spring months and early summer months.
So what is this fear from? I made my first appt. with Healing Woman (HW) and I am not certain what it is going to look like, and how I am going to feel? I am afraid my whole world will shatter into a million little pieces, and I will never be able to pick them up again. Humpty Dumpty.
But, the other part of me knows that HW will take care of me, and I will be safe.
I told my dr. about the restraints and abuse today. I just felt like it was something he should know, perhaps for my file. I am telling the truth with people I feel safe with. It wasn't necessarily a planned event.
More like the pressure valve on a pressure cooker. She's gonna blow! Na, I just see the steam valve on my Gramma's old pressure cooker, its wobbling away and the steam is blowing out the bottom. Rather cartoon like!
Dr. W. was so respectful, and his face kind of dropped. He stayed very calm and honoring, and told me I could speak with him and time and tell him anything. Gotta love a man like that! It just makes me want to cry writing this. Any sympathy of any sort and I am balling my eyes out.
I felt some panic after I spoke to him and more of a sadness while I was telling him with a bit of panic. I was thinking about that this afternoon. That I was speaking my truth today and the responses.
And really what was I afraid of? Yes I have things stored in my body, I have things I am looking at and pursing to heal, all of these things I have done before. So what was different? Punishment. I am speaking the truth and I am waiting for the punishment.
Tell the truth = punishment
Somewhere in my programming there is the truth/punishment factor. Like being tied up in my crib wasn't bad enough, being beaten by my mother wasn't bad enough, being sexually assaulted by my father wasn't bad enough, being mentally and spiritually abused wasn't bad enough - somewhere in my make up is the punishment factor. If you tell you are in big trouble
FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of you fuck off, because guess what?! I am telling the truth, I have told the truth all the way along and there is not one thing that you can do to me. There is nothing left you can do to me. God will not punish me or hurt me or kill someone I love because I told the truth. If something awful happens to me or those I love it is not because of me telling. Its because something awful has happened, not because of me but because it simply happened.
As I was writing that, I was wondering what implications were made to me, that if I told something bad was going to happen. I was typing as fast as I could without thought per se and one part of me was conscious of
the fact that somewhere somehow I have been told that if I told the truth, if I told what was really happening, something really bad was going to happen to me, or those I loved or cared about.
I remember when I first cleaned up 20 years ago, being so afraid that my child would be taken from me, or me taken from her. That I would lose her. No one would ever had done that, and despite some of my mental melt downs with her,I was a good mom who did her best each day to love and care for her, teach her and
guide her. But, I just had this all pervading sense of destruction coming. What I now understand that I didn't then exactly, is that I have been told that if I spoke the truth there would be catastrophic events taking place and it would be MY FAULT. There it is.
This is pretty big. I have taken responsibility for all the bad things that have happened to those around me, when I have been around, because they wouldn't have happened had I shut my mouth and not told the truth.
To this day, when I am unhappy or sad, or angry (especially) with Brent (he is the mother/father substitute - poor unwitting bastard!) I shut my mouth and don't speak because if I do the punishment will be so much worse than anything they had already done.
Who raises and cares for children like that? Who does that? Who speaks to children that way?
The polygamist in the states who is being charged with sex with a minor who had audio tapes of him raping his 12 year old bride with his other adult wives in the room. WHO DOES THAT?! A predator. Predators do that. People who are so sick and screwed up that they can't see that what they are doing is so wrong.
Who takes an innocent sweet babe and sexually assaults them? What mother makes a restraint and ties her child into the crib, zips her in first and then ties so she can't move? What father sticks his penis in that child's mouth while she is restrained. Who does that?
And because of all that, who am I today? Who am I? Back to the beginning. I don't know who I am in many ways. I don't know what my body looks like exactly because I am covered in a layer of fat that is not of my making. I was eating and abusing my body, continuing to numb the pain and perpetuate the punishment and restraints. Today I am a human being aware of all these, and today I can make a new decision. Based on getting to know myself, today.
God, I am tired. Please may I rest in your arms. Holy Spirit please show your way for me today. Jesus, I am tired today so tired and afraid and sad, please come beside me and walk that I may not be alone.
I love you Jesus, I love you God, I love you Holy Spirit.
I love you Colleen you child survivor, you amazing Truth Teller. You are safe today, you are safe tomorrow, you are safe, safe, safe. God has me in his arms, I am safe with HW, I am safe with my family and friends.
It is safe for me to tell the truth.
Breathe.
So what is this fear from? I made my first appt. with Healing Woman (HW) and I am not certain what it is going to look like, and how I am going to feel? I am afraid my whole world will shatter into a million little pieces, and I will never be able to pick them up again. Humpty Dumpty.
But, the other part of me knows that HW will take care of me, and I will be safe.
I told my dr. about the restraints and abuse today. I just felt like it was something he should know, perhaps for my file. I am telling the truth with people I feel safe with. It wasn't necessarily a planned event.
More like the pressure valve on a pressure cooker. She's gonna blow! Na, I just see the steam valve on my Gramma's old pressure cooker, its wobbling away and the steam is blowing out the bottom. Rather cartoon like!
Dr. W. was so respectful, and his face kind of dropped. He stayed very calm and honoring, and told me I could speak with him and time and tell him anything. Gotta love a man like that! It just makes me want to cry writing this. Any sympathy of any sort and I am balling my eyes out.
I felt some panic after I spoke to him and more of a sadness while I was telling him with a bit of panic. I was thinking about that this afternoon. That I was speaking my truth today and the responses.
And really what was I afraid of? Yes I have things stored in my body, I have things I am looking at and pursing to heal, all of these things I have done before. So what was different? Punishment. I am speaking the truth and I am waiting for the punishment.
Tell the truth = punishment
Somewhere in my programming there is the truth/punishment factor. Like being tied up in my crib wasn't bad enough, being beaten by my mother wasn't bad enough, being sexually assaulted by my father wasn't bad enough, being mentally and spiritually abused wasn't bad enough - somewhere in my make up is the punishment factor. If you tell you are in big trouble
FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of you fuck off, because guess what?! I am telling the truth, I have told the truth all the way along and there is not one thing that you can do to me. There is nothing left you can do to me. God will not punish me or hurt me or kill someone I love because I told the truth. If something awful happens to me or those I love it is not because of me telling. Its because something awful has happened, not because of me but because it simply happened.
As I was writing that, I was wondering what implications were made to me, that if I told something bad was going to happen. I was typing as fast as I could without thought per se and one part of me was conscious of
the fact that somewhere somehow I have been told that if I told the truth, if I told what was really happening, something really bad was going to happen to me, or those I loved or cared about.
I remember when I first cleaned up 20 years ago, being so afraid that my child would be taken from me, or me taken from her. That I would lose her. No one would ever had done that, and despite some of my mental melt downs with her,I was a good mom who did her best each day to love and care for her, teach her and
guide her. But, I just had this all pervading sense of destruction coming. What I now understand that I didn't then exactly, is that I have been told that if I spoke the truth there would be catastrophic events taking place and it would be MY FAULT. There it is.
This is pretty big. I have taken responsibility for all the bad things that have happened to those around me, when I have been around, because they wouldn't have happened had I shut my mouth and not told the truth.
To this day, when I am unhappy or sad, or angry (especially) with Brent (he is the mother/father substitute - poor unwitting bastard!) I shut my mouth and don't speak because if I do the punishment will be so much worse than anything they had already done.
Who raises and cares for children like that? Who does that? Who speaks to children that way?
The polygamist in the states who is being charged with sex with a minor who had audio tapes of him raping his 12 year old bride with his other adult wives in the room. WHO DOES THAT?! A predator. Predators do that. People who are so sick and screwed up that they can't see that what they are doing is so wrong.
Who takes an innocent sweet babe and sexually assaults them? What mother makes a restraint and ties her child into the crib, zips her in first and then ties so she can't move? What father sticks his penis in that child's mouth while she is restrained. Who does that?
And because of all that, who am I today? Who am I? Back to the beginning. I don't know who I am in many ways. I don't know what my body looks like exactly because I am covered in a layer of fat that is not of my making. I was eating and abusing my body, continuing to numb the pain and perpetuate the punishment and restraints. Today I am a human being aware of all these, and today I can make a new decision. Based on getting to know myself, today.
God, I am tired. Please may I rest in your arms. Holy Spirit please show your way for me today. Jesus, I am tired today so tired and afraid and sad, please come beside me and walk that I may not be alone.
I love you Jesus, I love you God, I love you Holy Spirit.
I love you Colleen you child survivor, you amazing Truth Teller. You are safe today, you are safe tomorrow, you are safe, safe, safe. God has me in his arms, I am safe with HW, I am safe with my family and friends.
It is safe for me to tell the truth.
Breathe.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Blueberries and Sunshine
Sitting in the garden reading my book and eating my breakfast. The book: The Lost Garden by Helen Humphreys. Great book.
I realize I am eating by rote and decide to be in my body while I eat not distracted by reading. My stomach releases and eases. Its easier to breath.
I begin to really observe what I am eating. (I am great at distracting myself from my food, a life long habit of denial that I am eating) the very thing I do for pleasure and I even distract myself from that, the sin of gorging. If I don't acknowledge it maybe it didn't happen. Hmmm . . . . like so many things in life!
I chose to consciously eat my blueberries and raspberries and really observe the delight that they are. Each a perfect jewel. I love berries.
The blueberries as they begin to warm slightly in the sun begin to have a dusky bloom as the moisture inside begins to bead on the blue skin. Each a perfect globe of construction from the bloom end to the stem. They are perfect, fleshy, seedy ready to create something wonderful either in the ground planted, or in my body, planted. Raspberries. Each perfect little seed pocket nature has created. I like to tuck a blueberry inside a raspberry. So pleasing the colors together and the tastes too!
As I finish and the thought arises, if I eat these good foods for me, and strive to lose weight and become unencumbered of the weight, the shame, the sickness that is the fat on my body, I wonder why the fat won't go. Why is is there still after all this time? Why when so many people eat more than I and way worse foods they are smaller or losing weight. Why.
Why because I am tied to my mother. That is what arose from inside. The tie literally that Healing Woman saw from the back of my fear Chakra is tied to someone. I think its to my mother, I thought that already when she told me. So much that is inextricably tied to her and I wasn't even conscious of it. I can still remember being in my young teens and tweens and weighing myself and the numbers just kept rising and I has helpless to do anything about it. The despair and sadness, the inability to have any control over anything, my life, my weight.
I would just watch her drive away to the bar and leave me at home, in my own little slice of hell. A young girl just wanting to be pretty and feel good about herself. I felt like a fat ugly monster, un-loveable and certainly unlikeable. God knows she told me often enough. Never enough was I. Never. I am seeing so many experiences through fresh eyes now. I am so grateful. I was enough, I was never meant to be left alone and unloved and uncared for for hours on end. To put myself to bed and feed myself and care for myself. But in reality it was a favor in some ways. When she was at the bar the house was quiet. It was peace filled. I didn't have to listen to her music blaring - sad music echoing her own sadness and insanity. I just waited for her to come home drunk with one of her males and just want to crawl away. Sleep interrupted always. Sometimes violent fights, sometimes the same men, sometimes different ones. Her suicide attempts, her laughing screaming insanity. Phone calls to the police, help from neighbors. Why didn't she just fuck off? I feel the despair even sitting and writing this. The insanity. I guess this is my opportunity to have a look and move forward. To acknowledge the insanity and know that it wasn't mine. It was theirs. Time to reveal my life and my body, not the life and body their insanity made!
Healing Woman (HW) has emailed me to set an appt. time for our first session. I had emailed her for her shoe size (I am knitting her socks) and she said it sounded like it was time to set our first session. I quietly freaked out. As much as I want this my stomach clenched and my heart started to pound. Fear knows that changes are a coming.
I can actually see the fear encapsulated in my body now. I can see it in my knees and hips, I can feel it in my abdomen. I can begin to see that the fear isn't even mind. The fear is the abusers in my life that they have put on me. It is my fear in a different way. My response to it as well.
Had coffee with Grace yesterday and were speaking of mothers. Her mother had this "thing" with her eyes and brows. Whoa, so did mine. It was a Gloria Swanson type look, haughty and demeaning and so profoundly controlling. It was actually unspeakable, "The Look". One eye brow up and this look of disdain. I swear I would be a mouldering pile of ashes on the floor after my own mother looked at me like that.
Her specialty was the one eye brow raised a la Dr. Spock on Star Trek. WTF! Really, what was that all about. Its laughable now, and really it was then if the fear had been so real. As if that look could strike you dead. Grace said that too, death.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN? And really Gloria Swanson, Elizabeth Taylor and Joan Crawford and all those script writers and directors have a ton to answer for. The Look, power, control, fear, disdain, the whole ball of wax in one.
I am on a relationship journey with myself. Hello you its nice to meet you. You look like a person I would like to get to know.
Here's to love and light and laughter
I realize I am eating by rote and decide to be in my body while I eat not distracted by reading. My stomach releases and eases. Its easier to breath.
I begin to really observe what I am eating. (I am great at distracting myself from my food, a life long habit of denial that I am eating) the very thing I do for pleasure and I even distract myself from that, the sin of gorging. If I don't acknowledge it maybe it didn't happen. Hmmm . . . . like so many things in life!
I chose to consciously eat my blueberries and raspberries and really observe the delight that they are. Each a perfect jewel. I love berries.
The blueberries as they begin to warm slightly in the sun begin to have a dusky bloom as the moisture inside begins to bead on the blue skin. Each a perfect globe of construction from the bloom end to the stem. They are perfect, fleshy, seedy ready to create something wonderful either in the ground planted, or in my body, planted. Raspberries. Each perfect little seed pocket nature has created. I like to tuck a blueberry inside a raspberry. So pleasing the colors together and the tastes too!
As I finish and the thought arises, if I eat these good foods for me, and strive to lose weight and become unencumbered of the weight, the shame, the sickness that is the fat on my body, I wonder why the fat won't go. Why is is there still after all this time? Why when so many people eat more than I and way worse foods they are smaller or losing weight. Why.
Why because I am tied to my mother. That is what arose from inside. The tie literally that Healing Woman saw from the back of my fear Chakra is tied to someone. I think its to my mother, I thought that already when she told me. So much that is inextricably tied to her and I wasn't even conscious of it. I can still remember being in my young teens and tweens and weighing myself and the numbers just kept rising and I has helpless to do anything about it. The despair and sadness, the inability to have any control over anything, my life, my weight.
I would just watch her drive away to the bar and leave me at home, in my own little slice of hell. A young girl just wanting to be pretty and feel good about herself. I felt like a fat ugly monster, un-loveable and certainly unlikeable. God knows she told me often enough. Never enough was I. Never. I am seeing so many experiences through fresh eyes now. I am so grateful. I was enough, I was never meant to be left alone and unloved and uncared for for hours on end. To put myself to bed and feed myself and care for myself. But in reality it was a favor in some ways. When she was at the bar the house was quiet. It was peace filled. I didn't have to listen to her music blaring - sad music echoing her own sadness and insanity. I just waited for her to come home drunk with one of her males and just want to crawl away. Sleep interrupted always. Sometimes violent fights, sometimes the same men, sometimes different ones. Her suicide attempts, her laughing screaming insanity. Phone calls to the police, help from neighbors. Why didn't she just fuck off? I feel the despair even sitting and writing this. The insanity. I guess this is my opportunity to have a look and move forward. To acknowledge the insanity and know that it wasn't mine. It was theirs. Time to reveal my life and my body, not the life and body their insanity made!
Healing Woman (HW) has emailed me to set an appt. time for our first session. I had emailed her for her shoe size (I am knitting her socks) and she said it sounded like it was time to set our first session. I quietly freaked out. As much as I want this my stomach clenched and my heart started to pound. Fear knows that changes are a coming.
I can actually see the fear encapsulated in my body now. I can see it in my knees and hips, I can feel it in my abdomen. I can begin to see that the fear isn't even mind. The fear is the abusers in my life that they have put on me. It is my fear in a different way. My response to it as well.
Had coffee with Grace yesterday and were speaking of mothers. Her mother had this "thing" with her eyes and brows. Whoa, so did mine. It was a Gloria Swanson type look, haughty and demeaning and so profoundly controlling. It was actually unspeakable, "The Look". One eye brow up and this look of disdain. I swear I would be a mouldering pile of ashes on the floor after my own mother looked at me like that.
Her specialty was the one eye brow raised a la Dr. Spock on Star Trek. WTF! Really, what was that all about. Its laughable now, and really it was then if the fear had been so real. As if that look could strike you dead. Grace said that too, death.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN? And really Gloria Swanson, Elizabeth Taylor and Joan Crawford and all those script writers and directors have a ton to answer for. The Look, power, control, fear, disdain, the whole ball of wax in one.
I am on a relationship journey with myself. Hello you its nice to meet you. You look like a person I would like to get to know.
Here's to love and light and laughter
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