hmmm . . . i have eaten my lunch and i waited a bit too long and i am still hungry, against better judgement i added peanut butter and bread.
why am i eating this. i know i will "feel" not hungry shortly, and yet my brain wants something. my inside being wants something. what is it? why i am feeling so compelled to eat what i know i don't need. i seldom eat peanut butter and bread and when i do its for comfort.
why do i need comforting, and really what do i want?
after finally figuring it out, i want to do things. i want to read my book, watch the making of downton abbey, and there are two magazines. i want to do it all. and yet my self belief is i am not supposed to. i am not supposed to touch or journey, make a mess, be a presence i am not supposed to be at all. lies that i have been told.
somewhere inside of me is a belief that i don't get to do things, nice things simple things so i will squash it, and comfort myself.
i have had this thought before and my body wants to move and go and i keep it still, i keep it held in place, don't move, don't breath, don't exist. don't want, or desire, it will only lead to being punished and zipped back into that bag and tied into the crib.
i have the right to move, to desire, to create and have and be. i have the right to do all these things and more, and i don't need to squash it anymore with childish peanut butter sandwiches. i can have gourmet adult peanut butter sandwiches that are enjoyable and pleasurable and unnecessary to squash and soothe but to enjoy and nourish.
i have a self belief that i don't get to do what i want. i think that is something that i am going to put to the side and make a new truth. because the truth is - i get to have what i want. i get to have desires and wants, and i get to create them and have them and live in health with them.
God given - and i am open to receive.
Thank you for clarity
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Women Food and God - Reteaching Lovliness
"The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value and possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. Not fight it. Not force it. Not deprive it. Not shame it. Not do anything but accept - and , yes, Virginia - understand it. Because if you force and deprive and shame yourself into being thing, you end up a deprived, shamed, fearful person who will also be thin for ten minutes. When you abuse your self (by taunting or threatening yourself) you become a bruised human being no matter how much you weight. When you demonize yourself, when you pit on part of you against another - your iron clad will against your bottomless hunger - you end up feeling split and crazed and afraid that the part you locked away will, when you are least prepared, take over and ruin your life. Losing weight on any program in which you tell yourself that left to your real impulses you would devour the universe is like building a skyscraper on sand: without a foundation, the new structure collapses. - Geneen Roth - Women Food and God.
Amen to that sister. I just sat down with a cup of tea before my walk - wanting to eat, and not hungry but wondering why eating, is included. Curiousity. I think that if I walk and I get tired that I am not good enough, so I better fuel up, to be good enough. So what if I get tired and I need to rest on the way. Who says that is not okay?! Where did that lie from somewhere else become my lie? Where did I get the lie that I am not good enough? That I better eat to be good enough or loved. I was forced and shamed to eat all my food at dinner. When I wasn't hungry and hated it. I HATE SHAME! I will not be shamed another moment. I can eat or not eat. What happens if I get really hungry on the way, and want to eat what will happen?! Where will my thoughts go, where will my feelings go. I panic even thinking about it! Its okay to be hungry. I have enough body mass to be safe and sound having a walk and being hungry. Its okay. Breath and enjoy the day, the lightness of being.
BTW - What I just wrote out for you sums me up to pretty much a tea. What happens if I let loose and let it all go?! Hmmm . . .
Amen to that sister. I just sat down with a cup of tea before my walk - wanting to eat, and not hungry but wondering why eating, is included. Curiousity. I think that if I walk and I get tired that I am not good enough, so I better fuel up, to be good enough. So what if I get tired and I need to rest on the way. Who says that is not okay?! Where did that lie from somewhere else become my lie? Where did I get the lie that I am not good enough? That I better eat to be good enough or loved. I was forced and shamed to eat all my food at dinner. When I wasn't hungry and hated it. I HATE SHAME! I will not be shamed another moment. I can eat or not eat. What happens if I get really hungry on the way, and want to eat what will happen?! Where will my thoughts go, where will my feelings go. I panic even thinking about it! Its okay to be hungry. I have enough body mass to be safe and sound having a walk and being hungry. Its okay. Breath and enjoy the day, the lightness of being.
BTW - What I just wrote out for you sums me up to pretty much a tea. What happens if I let loose and let it all go?! Hmmm . . .
Saturday, October 29, 2011
just when you thought it was safe!
http://www.christieinge.com/
okay, i was busy searching this site and found this page.
MANY OF THESE AUTHORS I HAVE HEARD OF - in particular Geneen Roth
The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value, possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. – Geneen Roth
I started her book and then got lost in other stuff. I think its back to the library for it! I recognized myself in her first chapter along with many other women.
There is so much information out there. We are so worth the time, to rest, read, learn, breath and enjoy the blessings that have been so richly bestowed up us.
With love
Col
okay, i was busy searching this site and found this page.
MANY OF THESE AUTHORS I HAVE HEARD OF - in particular Geneen Roth
The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value, possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. – Geneen Roth
I started her book and then got lost in other stuff. I think its back to the library for it! I recognized myself in her first chapter along with many other women.
There is so much information out there. We are so worth the time, to rest, read, learn, breath and enjoy the blessings that have been so richly bestowed up us.
With love
Col
3 BLOGS OR SITES TO HAVE A LOOK AT - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
http://www.brookecastillo.com/brooke_castillo/ - think on purpose - tell your own mind
http://www.christieinge.com/ - intuitive eating and weight loss
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/ - thinking- her blog on the kitchen pie is awesome!
Because I love each one of you and would love to see if there is something is there for each one of you.
Also, my friend Linda is a Soul Coach among other things and you could receive her message as well. So lovely and always timely.
Linda@soulflow.ca
http://www.christieinge.com/ - intuitive eating and weight loss
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/ - thinking- her blog on the kitchen pie is awesome!
Because I love each one of you and would love to see if there is something is there for each one of you.
Also, my friend Linda is a Soul Coach among other things and you could receive her message as well. So lovely and always timely.
Linda@soulflow.ca
Thoughts . . . we all have them!
i have been given many different messages from the Universe lately on thought, they have come in old magazine articles, blogs etc. i was thinking of thought this a.m. and went back and followed another blog and found this.
yesterday was the day 7 years ago that kat was hit by the truck. it was only quietly in the back of my mind this year. for which i am grateful (beyond grateful, hmmmm what is beyond grateful? more food for thought) ha thought!
anyways, when she was hit and the ensuing time there after, i lost 10 lbs in one month. now many of you might think that the stress etc. but, normally i eat when stressed. its the first go to. a couple of years after her accident when i looked back wondering how the weight came off so easily, i realized that i wasn't thinking about weight, food, or whatever else. i was only thinking about her and the family.
i realized even then that my thoughts were the determining factor. 30 years ago, there was a seminar on weight loss etc. and it was all on thoughts.
there are so many messages coming to me on thought the past 48 hours. and the past several months and years even, however, it seems more condensed.
THOUGHTS. I have been really encouraging myself and those close to me, to look at how their bodies feel when they get on a though pattern. Because really our thoughts often are fibs, just clicking along. What is the truth?!
I am seeing a chiro. who is helping to heal the injuries and asymmetry in my body. I have submitted myself to a personal trainer who he recommended me to to help get balance back. I am waiting to hear back from her. I am embarrassed beyond measure with my body and the weight etc. and having to submit to her and me being able to help others and not myself. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!? Not to be able to take care of myself.
I just realized that its an old thought pattern. When caught up in childhood abuse and violence I couldn't help myself (who could have at that time) and I have a thought pattern that is the same today. Then I was a small young child, caught in violence, and abuse by adults. Today, I am a capable strong woman, skilled and able to care for myself. New thoughts.
That is one of the things I have really begun to see is my thoughts and old beliefs and where do they stand today.
As Bunny said "who taught you that?" Who taught me to think that I was so fat, ugly, lazy and unworthy?
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/author/thethinkerfixer/
I think the thing that really stands out for me right now, is non-thought. Living in a place of being very present and not thinking, just being. I like that, I don't get so tired there.
yesterday was the day 7 years ago that kat was hit by the truck. it was only quietly in the back of my mind this year. for which i am grateful (beyond grateful, hmmmm what is beyond grateful? more food for thought) ha thought!
anyways, when she was hit and the ensuing time there after, i lost 10 lbs in one month. now many of you might think that the stress etc. but, normally i eat when stressed. its the first go to. a couple of years after her accident when i looked back wondering how the weight came off so easily, i realized that i wasn't thinking about weight, food, or whatever else. i was only thinking about her and the family.
i realized even then that my thoughts were the determining factor. 30 years ago, there was a seminar on weight loss etc. and it was all on thoughts.
there are so many messages coming to me on thought the past 48 hours. and the past several months and years even, however, it seems more condensed.
THOUGHTS. I have been really encouraging myself and those close to me, to look at how their bodies feel when they get on a though pattern. Because really our thoughts often are fibs, just clicking along. What is the truth?!
I am seeing a chiro. who is helping to heal the injuries and asymmetry in my body. I have submitted myself to a personal trainer who he recommended me to to help get balance back. I am waiting to hear back from her. I am embarrassed beyond measure with my body and the weight etc. and having to submit to her and me being able to help others and not myself. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!? Not to be able to take care of myself.
I just realized that its an old thought pattern. When caught up in childhood abuse and violence I couldn't help myself (who could have at that time) and I have a thought pattern that is the same today. Then I was a small young child, caught in violence, and abuse by adults. Today, I am a capable strong woman, skilled and able to care for myself. New thoughts.
That is one of the things I have really begun to see is my thoughts and old beliefs and where do they stand today.
As Bunny said "who taught you that?" Who taught me to think that I was so fat, ugly, lazy and unworthy?
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/author/thethinkerfixer/
I think the thing that really stands out for me right now, is non-thought. Living in a place of being very present and not thinking, just being. I like that, I don't get so tired there.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
oops, its been awhile
as my friend has reminded me!
i think i have been isolating a bit, stuck in my head. also, i have been toying with having 2 blogs. i live in a duality in my mind (no i don't think its another person per se just another side of my thoughts, and they are not always healthy and forward thinking!)
been knitting quite a bit. and loving that. time spent on the ball field with the boy. time spent wondering why i won't forgive my husband past transgressions (i can forgive most everyone else) and he has hit the nail on the head, its just him. hmmmm . . . . left over burned out feelings and thoughts. i told you i was isolating. not good.
enjoying long walks, either with friends or by myself. reading a bit. started a nia class. that was fun.
i feel kind of stilted writing. perhaps as i learn to just sit down and write it will flow. if i was writing my duality it might look like this:
neil mccrea announced his retirement from rock 101. please tell me he is taking don cherry with him!
why do people bag their dogs poop and then leave the little blue or white bag on the side of the road. i saw one and it was obvious that someone got into their car and flung it under the car and drove away. the little blue top waving bravely in the breeze. or they leave it on the embankment in front of the windshield for all to see.
how about hanging in trees or shrubs. WTF! note that the poops are always quite small, so some insidious little dog with its insidious dog owner. (not fair to all dog owners i know but that is where my head is at just for the moment)
what about people on cell phones while driving. or texting at speed on the highway. the law is for everyone but you, is that it? you are so special that the rest of us risk death or something like it, because you are special. bet your mom told you that!
if one more person pulls a u-turn in front of me and i have to break to not hit them i think i may just accelerate.
i think that's it for now
i think i have been isolating a bit, stuck in my head. also, i have been toying with having 2 blogs. i live in a duality in my mind (no i don't think its another person per se just another side of my thoughts, and they are not always healthy and forward thinking!)
been knitting quite a bit. and loving that. time spent on the ball field with the boy. time spent wondering why i won't forgive my husband past transgressions (i can forgive most everyone else) and he has hit the nail on the head, its just him. hmmmm . . . . left over burned out feelings and thoughts. i told you i was isolating. not good.
enjoying long walks, either with friends or by myself. reading a bit. started a nia class. that was fun.
i feel kind of stilted writing. perhaps as i learn to just sit down and write it will flow. if i was writing my duality it might look like this:
neil mccrea announced his retirement from rock 101. please tell me he is taking don cherry with him!
why do people bag their dogs poop and then leave the little blue or white bag on the side of the road. i saw one and it was obvious that someone got into their car and flung it under the car and drove away. the little blue top waving bravely in the breeze. or they leave it on the embankment in front of the windshield for all to see.
how about hanging in trees or shrubs. WTF! note that the poops are always quite small, so some insidious little dog with its insidious dog owner. (not fair to all dog owners i know but that is where my head is at just for the moment)
what about people on cell phones while driving. or texting at speed on the highway. the law is for everyone but you, is that it? you are so special that the rest of us risk death or something like it, because you are special. bet your mom told you that!
if one more person pulls a u-turn in front of me and i have to break to not hit them i think i may just accelerate.
i think that's it for now
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Playing and Staying
Had my first session with HW (Healing Woman) and I came away with many things and I am going to embrace what it is that came up!
One thing I want to sit in right now, that I have visited before is this.
Being safe and allowed to play and be in my body and in this place. So often I was drawn away from my play and fun and abused. I had figured this out so long ago, play and be and get hurt.
What HW helped me with tonight was - I still fight off being vulnerable trying to stay safe. The food was a way for me to stay safe to not allow the feeling of being vulnerable.
Also, my little girl tonight came out to play and HW got to speak with her, and she spoke with both of us. I love her energy and her indomitable spirit. How she survived! She's 4 by the way.
What she had to say was "I am here and I play with my dolls and be a little girl, and ya, those things happened, however, I am happy and here and full, ticking along" What I realized was I was currently and all along grieving for her and needing to perpetuate this sadness etc. And really that is not what she wants or needs. She is happy and very well adjusted. WHAT A WONDER!
So I am going to spend some time getting to know her and love her and play. We are going to work on an art project together and she let HW know that she wanted popsicles! Bought popsicles on the way home!
I am very tired tonight, in a great way.
Love
One thing I want to sit in right now, that I have visited before is this.
Being safe and allowed to play and be in my body and in this place. So often I was drawn away from my play and fun and abused. I had figured this out so long ago, play and be and get hurt.
What HW helped me with tonight was - I still fight off being vulnerable trying to stay safe. The food was a way for me to stay safe to not allow the feeling of being vulnerable.
Also, my little girl tonight came out to play and HW got to speak with her, and she spoke with both of us. I love her energy and her indomitable spirit. How she survived! She's 4 by the way.
What she had to say was "I am here and I play with my dolls and be a little girl, and ya, those things happened, however, I am happy and here and full, ticking along" What I realized was I was currently and all along grieving for her and needing to perpetuate this sadness etc. And really that is not what she wants or needs. She is happy and very well adjusted. WHAT A WONDER!
So I am going to spend some time getting to know her and love her and play. We are going to work on an art project together and she let HW know that she wanted popsicles! Bought popsicles on the way home!
I am very tired tonight, in a great way.
Love
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