Where to begin?

Have you ever had so much happen at once that you weren't sure where to begin to try to understand it all?

I have had a situation that I had to trust others to take care of me. My past tells me that allowing others to take care of me, or speak up for me just amounts to more abuse and blame.  More opportunities to be disappointed, rejected, or best of all not heard or believed.  I was told I was a liar growing up. (I didn't even realize that till I typed it) no wonder I value truth so much.  I am trying to defend myself among other things.

The situation is a direct link to healing my core childhood stuff, but, I am adult now with an adults abilities and God is here to guide the way. Also, I left it in God's hand and He took care of it. Scripture verses during prayer to read was  provided to console along the way and explain how God is wondrous. The next day people who were doing their part stepped in an took care of the situation and me.

My mother and my relationship with her are healing.  All of the things that are going on around me directly relate to her and my childhood and my ability to let go and be who I am meant to be today, now.  Not in the past.  The books, the blogs, the chiropractor doing release work, all the different components are here at the same time to help me heal.

I am in a place of trust to allow all the healing to take place.  As I write this all the lovely energy and wonder are so hard to write. Because so much has happened and I am trying to encapsulate it all at once.

The chiro, doing release work. The situation at work, where I have said enough, I am done. And people have stepped up to care for me and do what they are meant to do. I have learned I can ask for help, I can say I am done, I can stand up and say no to being bullied and controlled by someone today who is very much like my mother from childhood.  A huge trigger, if I allow it. I chose to learn from her instead, to heal.

The pain in my back and hip, release, be present and aware, the situation at work, to say in the present, I am Done!  To say my peace to people around me and not get dumped on.

The books I am reading and the blogs. Thinking, all on thinking.  WOMEN FOOD AND GOD.  Probably one of the most important pieces I have ever read. Honest, open and highly readable.  Its on pain, living in the moment, being present, much like body pain. But, when you are in pain for so long, who wants to be in pain.
But not looking at the pain and being present will not make it go away, it become fully entrenched.

I knew years ago about pain, and needing to look at it and be with it, embrace it. I lost track of that for a long time. Now I am back, living in pain, and allowing it. And really its not scary, scary is living in it and not allowing it. Keeping it at bay in the back of my mind, deep in my body,  masking it.

I am standing up and saying I AM DONE.  I am done done done. Enough. Someone recently said that word to me, enough.  I love that word.

Enough pain, enough sadness, enough stress about the fat on my body. Enough.

I embrace whatever comes, whatever it is I embrace it. Because I know that as I be in this place whatever it is there is a possibility of seeing and being in a place I never expected to be, because I am allowing a whole new experience who knows what is going to evolve.  I am allowing a journey into the unknown.

I have lived my life so long on what I think it is instead of what it could be.

A Realization

I was shopping the other day and while I was standing at the check out I had a realization.  I think I had inklings of it over the years but it settled deep inside me this time.

As I looked over all the isles of "food" all the packaged, tinned, bagged, created in a lab somewhere "food". I realized that I had allowed myself to be brainwashed by those very people creating these "foods". Slick advertising, convincing me that I would be a better parent, citizen, woman, etc. if I ate that food or served my children that food. Or entertained using that food. 

Those boxes and bags and tins convincing me that I could become, svelte, beautiful, successful, seductive if I used those products.  

What those products are in fact doing is killing me, they are poison for my body and my children's bodies, for my loved ones.  I am buying into big business  - I am allowing big business to convince me that I will be all these things that I think I am not. A magic pill to make me perfect because I am convinced I am so imperfect.  And big business takes advantage of that.  Shame on them and shame on me for buying into that.

I have changed my buying habits over the past decade plus and even more so in  recent years.  Purchasing organic, supporting small businesses that provide good service and quality products that won't kill me or mine that my liver doesn't have to filter out along with my other organs. 

I am allowing "food" to kill me slowly but surely and  . . .  I am paying for that favor.  

I am paying for the pleasure of enjoying it in my mouth and my brain being happy that I am buying into  all the hype and here I sit slowly dieing from eating bad food.

Now don't get me wrong, we don't eat processed food as a rule I cook from "scratch" or raw. And we probably eat more consciously than most.  But  . . . this shift was something that came and settled deep.

I chose to eat with health and vitality, I choose to clean with products that are good for our home and our bodies and the world around us (and have done for 20 years  plus with Amway products). I choose to use the most natural of beauty products. My face cleanser is dry powered milk (lactic acid) and organic chickpea flour (this is an ayurvedic treatment based on my body type) and coconut oil for a moisturizer. 

This is not always easy, I still want to buy into the "story" and be like everyone else. To be included in the tribe that rolls along buying their way into feeling good about themselves.  Or just to have a momentary mental break to drug myself. 

Bottom line - why am I buying products from huge stores to put my good money into someone else's pocket?  To make myself poor in spirit, body, and mind, and pocket book too. 

I maintain for me that personal wealth would be to go to the farmers market and purchase everything from them, produce, the jams or jellies, baking, meat and eggs and cheese all the lovely hand made items from each vendor.
Alas, its not always possible with our budget. But for me that would be wealth. To support all these people and their dreams because they help support my dream.

I am so grateful you are each in my life supporting dreams.     Col