hmmm . . . i have eaten my lunch and i waited a bit too long and i am still hungry, against better judgement i added peanut butter and bread.
why am i eating this. i know i will "feel" not hungry shortly, and yet my brain wants something. my inside being wants something. what is it? why i am feeling so compelled to eat what i know i don't need. i seldom eat peanut butter and bread and when i do its for comfort.
why do i need comforting, and really what do i want?
after finally figuring it out, i want to do things. i want to read my book, watch the making of downton abbey, and there are two magazines. i want to do it all. and yet my self belief is i am not supposed to. i am not supposed to touch or journey, make a mess, be a presence i am not supposed to be at all. lies that i have been told.
somewhere inside of me is a belief that i don't get to do things, nice things simple things so i will squash it, and comfort myself.
i have had this thought before and my body wants to move and go and i keep it still, i keep it held in place, don't move, don't breath, don't exist. don't want, or desire, it will only lead to being punished and zipped back into that bag and tied into the crib.
i have the right to move, to desire, to create and have and be. i have the right to do all these things and more, and i don't need to squash it anymore with childish peanut butter sandwiches. i can have gourmet adult peanut butter sandwiches that are enjoyable and pleasurable and unnecessary to squash and soothe but to enjoy and nourish.
i have a self belief that i don't get to do what i want. i think that is something that i am going to put to the side and make a new truth. because the truth is - i get to have what i want. i get to have desires and wants, and i get to create them and have them and live in health with them.
God given - and i am open to receive.
Thank you for clarity
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Women Food and God - Reteaching Lovliness
"The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value and possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. Not fight it. Not force it. Not deprive it. Not shame it. Not do anything but accept - and , yes, Virginia - understand it. Because if you force and deprive and shame yourself into being thing, you end up a deprived, shamed, fearful person who will also be thin for ten minutes. When you abuse your self (by taunting or threatening yourself) you become a bruised human being no matter how much you weight. When you demonize yourself, when you pit on part of you against another - your iron clad will against your bottomless hunger - you end up feeling split and crazed and afraid that the part you locked away will, when you are least prepared, take over and ruin your life. Losing weight on any program in which you tell yourself that left to your real impulses you would devour the universe is like building a skyscraper on sand: without a foundation, the new structure collapses. - Geneen Roth - Women Food and God.
Amen to that sister. I just sat down with a cup of tea before my walk - wanting to eat, and not hungry but wondering why eating, is included. Curiousity. I think that if I walk and I get tired that I am not good enough, so I better fuel up, to be good enough. So what if I get tired and I need to rest on the way. Who says that is not okay?! Where did that lie from somewhere else become my lie? Where did I get the lie that I am not good enough? That I better eat to be good enough or loved. I was forced and shamed to eat all my food at dinner. When I wasn't hungry and hated it. I HATE SHAME! I will not be shamed another moment. I can eat or not eat. What happens if I get really hungry on the way, and want to eat what will happen?! Where will my thoughts go, where will my feelings go. I panic even thinking about it! Its okay to be hungry. I have enough body mass to be safe and sound having a walk and being hungry. Its okay. Breath and enjoy the day, the lightness of being.
BTW - What I just wrote out for you sums me up to pretty much a tea. What happens if I let loose and let it all go?! Hmmm . . .
Amen to that sister. I just sat down with a cup of tea before my walk - wanting to eat, and not hungry but wondering why eating, is included. Curiousity. I think that if I walk and I get tired that I am not good enough, so I better fuel up, to be good enough. So what if I get tired and I need to rest on the way. Who says that is not okay?! Where did that lie from somewhere else become my lie? Where did I get the lie that I am not good enough? That I better eat to be good enough or loved. I was forced and shamed to eat all my food at dinner. When I wasn't hungry and hated it. I HATE SHAME! I will not be shamed another moment. I can eat or not eat. What happens if I get really hungry on the way, and want to eat what will happen?! Where will my thoughts go, where will my feelings go. I panic even thinking about it! Its okay to be hungry. I have enough body mass to be safe and sound having a walk and being hungry. Its okay. Breath and enjoy the day, the lightness of being.
BTW - What I just wrote out for you sums me up to pretty much a tea. What happens if I let loose and let it all go?! Hmmm . . .
Saturday, October 29, 2011
just when you thought it was safe!
http://www.christieinge.com/
okay, i was busy searching this site and found this page.
MANY OF THESE AUTHORS I HAVE HEARD OF - in particular Geneen Roth
The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value, possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. – Geneen Roth
I started her book and then got lost in other stuff. I think its back to the library for it! I recognized myself in her first chapter along with many other women.
There is so much information out there. We are so worth the time, to rest, read, learn, breath and enjoy the blessings that have been so richly bestowed up us.
With love
Col
okay, i was busy searching this site and found this page.
MANY OF THESE AUTHORS I HAVE HEARD OF - in particular Geneen Roth
The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value, possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. – Geneen Roth
I started her book and then got lost in other stuff. I think its back to the library for it! I recognized myself in her first chapter along with many other women.
There is so much information out there. We are so worth the time, to rest, read, learn, breath and enjoy the blessings that have been so richly bestowed up us.
With love
Col
3 BLOGS OR SITES TO HAVE A LOOK AT - PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
http://www.brookecastillo.com/brooke_castillo/ - think on purpose - tell your own mind
http://www.christieinge.com/ - intuitive eating and weight loss
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/ - thinking- her blog on the kitchen pie is awesome!
Because I love each one of you and would love to see if there is something is there for each one of you.
Also, my friend Linda is a Soul Coach among other things and you could receive her message as well. So lovely and always timely.
Linda@soulflow.ca
http://www.christieinge.com/ - intuitive eating and weight loss
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/ - thinking- her blog on the kitchen pie is awesome!
Because I love each one of you and would love to see if there is something is there for each one of you.
Also, my friend Linda is a Soul Coach among other things and you could receive her message as well. So lovely and always timely.
Linda@soulflow.ca
Thoughts . . . we all have them!
i have been given many different messages from the Universe lately on thought, they have come in old magazine articles, blogs etc. i was thinking of thought this a.m. and went back and followed another blog and found this.
yesterday was the day 7 years ago that kat was hit by the truck. it was only quietly in the back of my mind this year. for which i am grateful (beyond grateful, hmmmm what is beyond grateful? more food for thought) ha thought!
anyways, when she was hit and the ensuing time there after, i lost 10 lbs in one month. now many of you might think that the stress etc. but, normally i eat when stressed. its the first go to. a couple of years after her accident when i looked back wondering how the weight came off so easily, i realized that i wasn't thinking about weight, food, or whatever else. i was only thinking about her and the family.
i realized even then that my thoughts were the determining factor. 30 years ago, there was a seminar on weight loss etc. and it was all on thoughts.
there are so many messages coming to me on thought the past 48 hours. and the past several months and years even, however, it seems more condensed.
THOUGHTS. I have been really encouraging myself and those close to me, to look at how their bodies feel when they get on a though pattern. Because really our thoughts often are fibs, just clicking along. What is the truth?!
I am seeing a chiro. who is helping to heal the injuries and asymmetry in my body. I have submitted myself to a personal trainer who he recommended me to to help get balance back. I am waiting to hear back from her. I am embarrassed beyond measure with my body and the weight etc. and having to submit to her and me being able to help others and not myself. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!? Not to be able to take care of myself.
I just realized that its an old thought pattern. When caught up in childhood abuse and violence I couldn't help myself (who could have at that time) and I have a thought pattern that is the same today. Then I was a small young child, caught in violence, and abuse by adults. Today, I am a capable strong woman, skilled and able to care for myself. New thoughts.
That is one of the things I have really begun to see is my thoughts and old beliefs and where do they stand today.
As Bunny said "who taught you that?" Who taught me to think that I was so fat, ugly, lazy and unworthy?
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/author/thethinkerfixer/
I think the thing that really stands out for me right now, is non-thought. Living in a place of being very present and not thinking, just being. I like that, I don't get so tired there.
yesterday was the day 7 years ago that kat was hit by the truck. it was only quietly in the back of my mind this year. for which i am grateful (beyond grateful, hmmmm what is beyond grateful? more food for thought) ha thought!
anyways, when she was hit and the ensuing time there after, i lost 10 lbs in one month. now many of you might think that the stress etc. but, normally i eat when stressed. its the first go to. a couple of years after her accident when i looked back wondering how the weight came off so easily, i realized that i wasn't thinking about weight, food, or whatever else. i was only thinking about her and the family.
i realized even then that my thoughts were the determining factor. 30 years ago, there was a seminar on weight loss etc. and it was all on thoughts.
there are so many messages coming to me on thought the past 48 hours. and the past several months and years even, however, it seems more condensed.
THOUGHTS. I have been really encouraging myself and those close to me, to look at how their bodies feel when they get on a though pattern. Because really our thoughts often are fibs, just clicking along. What is the truth?!
I am seeing a chiro. who is helping to heal the injuries and asymmetry in my body. I have submitted myself to a personal trainer who he recommended me to to help get balance back. I am waiting to hear back from her. I am embarrassed beyond measure with my body and the weight etc. and having to submit to her and me being able to help others and not myself. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!? Not to be able to take care of myself.
I just realized that its an old thought pattern. When caught up in childhood abuse and violence I couldn't help myself (who could have at that time) and I have a thought pattern that is the same today. Then I was a small young child, caught in violence, and abuse by adults. Today, I am a capable strong woman, skilled and able to care for myself. New thoughts.
That is one of the things I have really begun to see is my thoughts and old beliefs and where do they stand today.
As Bunny said "who taught you that?" Who taught me to think that I was so fat, ugly, lazy and unworthy?
http://thethinkerfixer.wordpress.com/author/thethinkerfixer/
I think the thing that really stands out for me right now, is non-thought. Living in a place of being very present and not thinking, just being. I like that, I don't get so tired there.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
oops, its been awhile
as my friend has reminded me!
i think i have been isolating a bit, stuck in my head. also, i have been toying with having 2 blogs. i live in a duality in my mind (no i don't think its another person per se just another side of my thoughts, and they are not always healthy and forward thinking!)
been knitting quite a bit. and loving that. time spent on the ball field with the boy. time spent wondering why i won't forgive my husband past transgressions (i can forgive most everyone else) and he has hit the nail on the head, its just him. hmmmm . . . . left over burned out feelings and thoughts. i told you i was isolating. not good.
enjoying long walks, either with friends or by myself. reading a bit. started a nia class. that was fun.
i feel kind of stilted writing. perhaps as i learn to just sit down and write it will flow. if i was writing my duality it might look like this:
neil mccrea announced his retirement from rock 101. please tell me he is taking don cherry with him!
why do people bag their dogs poop and then leave the little blue or white bag on the side of the road. i saw one and it was obvious that someone got into their car and flung it under the car and drove away. the little blue top waving bravely in the breeze. or they leave it on the embankment in front of the windshield for all to see.
how about hanging in trees or shrubs. WTF! note that the poops are always quite small, so some insidious little dog with its insidious dog owner. (not fair to all dog owners i know but that is where my head is at just for the moment)
what about people on cell phones while driving. or texting at speed on the highway. the law is for everyone but you, is that it? you are so special that the rest of us risk death or something like it, because you are special. bet your mom told you that!
if one more person pulls a u-turn in front of me and i have to break to not hit them i think i may just accelerate.
i think that's it for now
i think i have been isolating a bit, stuck in my head. also, i have been toying with having 2 blogs. i live in a duality in my mind (no i don't think its another person per se just another side of my thoughts, and they are not always healthy and forward thinking!)
been knitting quite a bit. and loving that. time spent on the ball field with the boy. time spent wondering why i won't forgive my husband past transgressions (i can forgive most everyone else) and he has hit the nail on the head, its just him. hmmmm . . . . left over burned out feelings and thoughts. i told you i was isolating. not good.
enjoying long walks, either with friends or by myself. reading a bit. started a nia class. that was fun.
i feel kind of stilted writing. perhaps as i learn to just sit down and write it will flow. if i was writing my duality it might look like this:
neil mccrea announced his retirement from rock 101. please tell me he is taking don cherry with him!
why do people bag their dogs poop and then leave the little blue or white bag on the side of the road. i saw one and it was obvious that someone got into their car and flung it under the car and drove away. the little blue top waving bravely in the breeze. or they leave it on the embankment in front of the windshield for all to see.
how about hanging in trees or shrubs. WTF! note that the poops are always quite small, so some insidious little dog with its insidious dog owner. (not fair to all dog owners i know but that is where my head is at just for the moment)
what about people on cell phones while driving. or texting at speed on the highway. the law is for everyone but you, is that it? you are so special that the rest of us risk death or something like it, because you are special. bet your mom told you that!
if one more person pulls a u-turn in front of me and i have to break to not hit them i think i may just accelerate.
i think that's it for now
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Playing and Staying
Had my first session with HW (Healing Woman) and I came away with many things and I am going to embrace what it is that came up!
One thing I want to sit in right now, that I have visited before is this.
Being safe and allowed to play and be in my body and in this place. So often I was drawn away from my play and fun and abused. I had figured this out so long ago, play and be and get hurt.
What HW helped me with tonight was - I still fight off being vulnerable trying to stay safe. The food was a way for me to stay safe to not allow the feeling of being vulnerable.
Also, my little girl tonight came out to play and HW got to speak with her, and she spoke with both of us. I love her energy and her indomitable spirit. How she survived! She's 4 by the way.
What she had to say was "I am here and I play with my dolls and be a little girl, and ya, those things happened, however, I am happy and here and full, ticking along" What I realized was I was currently and all along grieving for her and needing to perpetuate this sadness etc. And really that is not what she wants or needs. She is happy and very well adjusted. WHAT A WONDER!
So I am going to spend some time getting to know her and love her and play. We are going to work on an art project together and she let HW know that she wanted popsicles! Bought popsicles on the way home!
I am very tired tonight, in a great way.
Love
One thing I want to sit in right now, that I have visited before is this.
Being safe and allowed to play and be in my body and in this place. So often I was drawn away from my play and fun and abused. I had figured this out so long ago, play and be and get hurt.
What HW helped me with tonight was - I still fight off being vulnerable trying to stay safe. The food was a way for me to stay safe to not allow the feeling of being vulnerable.
Also, my little girl tonight came out to play and HW got to speak with her, and she spoke with both of us. I love her energy and her indomitable spirit. How she survived! She's 4 by the way.
What she had to say was "I am here and I play with my dolls and be a little girl, and ya, those things happened, however, I am happy and here and full, ticking along" What I realized was I was currently and all along grieving for her and needing to perpetuate this sadness etc. And really that is not what she wants or needs. She is happy and very well adjusted. WHAT A WONDER!
So I am going to spend some time getting to know her and love her and play. We are going to work on an art project together and she let HW know that she wanted popsicles! Bought popsicles on the way home!
I am very tired tonight, in a great way.
Love
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Truth and Punishment
As I go through my days right now, speaking my truth as I know it today, I am having this all pervading fear. Nothing is different each day from any other day, the days are really very quiet and calm compared with the spring months and early summer months.
So what is this fear from? I made my first appt. with Healing Woman (HW) and I am not certain what it is going to look like, and how I am going to feel? I am afraid my whole world will shatter into a million little pieces, and I will never be able to pick them up again. Humpty Dumpty.
But, the other part of me knows that HW will take care of me, and I will be safe.
I told my dr. about the restraints and abuse today. I just felt like it was something he should know, perhaps for my file. I am telling the truth with people I feel safe with. It wasn't necessarily a planned event.
More like the pressure valve on a pressure cooker. She's gonna blow! Na, I just see the steam valve on my Gramma's old pressure cooker, its wobbling away and the steam is blowing out the bottom. Rather cartoon like!
Dr. W. was so respectful, and his face kind of dropped. He stayed very calm and honoring, and told me I could speak with him and time and tell him anything. Gotta love a man like that! It just makes me want to cry writing this. Any sympathy of any sort and I am balling my eyes out.
I felt some panic after I spoke to him and more of a sadness while I was telling him with a bit of panic. I was thinking about that this afternoon. That I was speaking my truth today and the responses.
And really what was I afraid of? Yes I have things stored in my body, I have things I am looking at and pursing to heal, all of these things I have done before. So what was different? Punishment. I am speaking the truth and I am waiting for the punishment.
Tell the truth = punishment
Somewhere in my programming there is the truth/punishment factor. Like being tied up in my crib wasn't bad enough, being beaten by my mother wasn't bad enough, being sexually assaulted by my father wasn't bad enough, being mentally and spiritually abused wasn't bad enough - somewhere in my make up is the punishment factor. If you tell you are in big trouble
FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of you fuck off, because guess what?! I am telling the truth, I have told the truth all the way along and there is not one thing that you can do to me. There is nothing left you can do to me. God will not punish me or hurt me or kill someone I love because I told the truth. If something awful happens to me or those I love it is not because of me telling. Its because something awful has happened, not because of me but because it simply happened.
As I was writing that, I was wondering what implications were made to me, that if I told something bad was going to happen. I was typing as fast as I could without thought per se and one part of me was conscious of
the fact that somewhere somehow I have been told that if I told the truth, if I told what was really happening, something really bad was going to happen to me, or those I loved or cared about.
I remember when I first cleaned up 20 years ago, being so afraid that my child would be taken from me, or me taken from her. That I would lose her. No one would ever had done that, and despite some of my mental melt downs with her,I was a good mom who did her best each day to love and care for her, teach her and
guide her. But, I just had this all pervading sense of destruction coming. What I now understand that I didn't then exactly, is that I have been told that if I spoke the truth there would be catastrophic events taking place and it would be MY FAULT. There it is.
This is pretty big. I have taken responsibility for all the bad things that have happened to those around me, when I have been around, because they wouldn't have happened had I shut my mouth and not told the truth.
To this day, when I am unhappy or sad, or angry (especially) with Brent (he is the mother/father substitute - poor unwitting bastard!) I shut my mouth and don't speak because if I do the punishment will be so much worse than anything they had already done.
Who raises and cares for children like that? Who does that? Who speaks to children that way?
The polygamist in the states who is being charged with sex with a minor who had audio tapes of him raping his 12 year old bride with his other adult wives in the room. WHO DOES THAT?! A predator. Predators do that. People who are so sick and screwed up that they can't see that what they are doing is so wrong.
Who takes an innocent sweet babe and sexually assaults them? What mother makes a restraint and ties her child into the crib, zips her in first and then ties so she can't move? What father sticks his penis in that child's mouth while she is restrained. Who does that?
And because of all that, who am I today? Who am I? Back to the beginning. I don't know who I am in many ways. I don't know what my body looks like exactly because I am covered in a layer of fat that is not of my making. I was eating and abusing my body, continuing to numb the pain and perpetuate the punishment and restraints. Today I am a human being aware of all these, and today I can make a new decision. Based on getting to know myself, today.
God, I am tired. Please may I rest in your arms. Holy Spirit please show your way for me today. Jesus, I am tired today so tired and afraid and sad, please come beside me and walk that I may not be alone.
I love you Jesus, I love you God, I love you Holy Spirit.
I love you Colleen you child survivor, you amazing Truth Teller. You are safe today, you are safe tomorrow, you are safe, safe, safe. God has me in his arms, I am safe with HW, I am safe with my family and friends.
It is safe for me to tell the truth.
Breathe.
So what is this fear from? I made my first appt. with Healing Woman (HW) and I am not certain what it is going to look like, and how I am going to feel? I am afraid my whole world will shatter into a million little pieces, and I will never be able to pick them up again. Humpty Dumpty.
But, the other part of me knows that HW will take care of me, and I will be safe.
I told my dr. about the restraints and abuse today. I just felt like it was something he should know, perhaps for my file. I am telling the truth with people I feel safe with. It wasn't necessarily a planned event.
More like the pressure valve on a pressure cooker. She's gonna blow! Na, I just see the steam valve on my Gramma's old pressure cooker, its wobbling away and the steam is blowing out the bottom. Rather cartoon like!
Dr. W. was so respectful, and his face kind of dropped. He stayed very calm and honoring, and told me I could speak with him and time and tell him anything. Gotta love a man like that! It just makes me want to cry writing this. Any sympathy of any sort and I am balling my eyes out.
I felt some panic after I spoke to him and more of a sadness while I was telling him with a bit of panic. I was thinking about that this afternoon. That I was speaking my truth today and the responses.
And really what was I afraid of? Yes I have things stored in my body, I have things I am looking at and pursing to heal, all of these things I have done before. So what was different? Punishment. I am speaking the truth and I am waiting for the punishment.
Tell the truth = punishment
Somewhere in my programming there is the truth/punishment factor. Like being tied up in my crib wasn't bad enough, being beaten by my mother wasn't bad enough, being sexually assaulted by my father wasn't bad enough, being mentally and spiritually abused wasn't bad enough - somewhere in my make up is the punishment factor. If you tell you are in big trouble
FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of you fuck off, because guess what?! I am telling the truth, I have told the truth all the way along and there is not one thing that you can do to me. There is nothing left you can do to me. God will not punish me or hurt me or kill someone I love because I told the truth. If something awful happens to me or those I love it is not because of me telling. Its because something awful has happened, not because of me but because it simply happened.
As I was writing that, I was wondering what implications were made to me, that if I told something bad was going to happen. I was typing as fast as I could without thought per se and one part of me was conscious of
the fact that somewhere somehow I have been told that if I told the truth, if I told what was really happening, something really bad was going to happen to me, or those I loved or cared about.
I remember when I first cleaned up 20 years ago, being so afraid that my child would be taken from me, or me taken from her. That I would lose her. No one would ever had done that, and despite some of my mental melt downs with her,I was a good mom who did her best each day to love and care for her, teach her and
guide her. But, I just had this all pervading sense of destruction coming. What I now understand that I didn't then exactly, is that I have been told that if I spoke the truth there would be catastrophic events taking place and it would be MY FAULT. There it is.
This is pretty big. I have taken responsibility for all the bad things that have happened to those around me, when I have been around, because they wouldn't have happened had I shut my mouth and not told the truth.
To this day, when I am unhappy or sad, or angry (especially) with Brent (he is the mother/father substitute - poor unwitting bastard!) I shut my mouth and don't speak because if I do the punishment will be so much worse than anything they had already done.
Who raises and cares for children like that? Who does that? Who speaks to children that way?
The polygamist in the states who is being charged with sex with a minor who had audio tapes of him raping his 12 year old bride with his other adult wives in the room. WHO DOES THAT?! A predator. Predators do that. People who are so sick and screwed up that they can't see that what they are doing is so wrong.
Who takes an innocent sweet babe and sexually assaults them? What mother makes a restraint and ties her child into the crib, zips her in first and then ties so she can't move? What father sticks his penis in that child's mouth while she is restrained. Who does that?
And because of all that, who am I today? Who am I? Back to the beginning. I don't know who I am in many ways. I don't know what my body looks like exactly because I am covered in a layer of fat that is not of my making. I was eating and abusing my body, continuing to numb the pain and perpetuate the punishment and restraints. Today I am a human being aware of all these, and today I can make a new decision. Based on getting to know myself, today.
God, I am tired. Please may I rest in your arms. Holy Spirit please show your way for me today. Jesus, I am tired today so tired and afraid and sad, please come beside me and walk that I may not be alone.
I love you Jesus, I love you God, I love you Holy Spirit.
I love you Colleen you child survivor, you amazing Truth Teller. You are safe today, you are safe tomorrow, you are safe, safe, safe. God has me in his arms, I am safe with HW, I am safe with my family and friends.
It is safe for me to tell the truth.
Breathe.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Blueberries and Sunshine
Sitting in the garden reading my book and eating my breakfast. The book: The Lost Garden by Helen Humphreys. Great book.
I realize I am eating by rote and decide to be in my body while I eat not distracted by reading. My stomach releases and eases. Its easier to breath.
I begin to really observe what I am eating. (I am great at distracting myself from my food, a life long habit of denial that I am eating) the very thing I do for pleasure and I even distract myself from that, the sin of gorging. If I don't acknowledge it maybe it didn't happen. Hmmm . . . . like so many things in life!
I chose to consciously eat my blueberries and raspberries and really observe the delight that they are. Each a perfect jewel. I love berries.
The blueberries as they begin to warm slightly in the sun begin to have a dusky bloom as the moisture inside begins to bead on the blue skin. Each a perfect globe of construction from the bloom end to the stem. They are perfect, fleshy, seedy ready to create something wonderful either in the ground planted, or in my body, planted. Raspberries. Each perfect little seed pocket nature has created. I like to tuck a blueberry inside a raspberry. So pleasing the colors together and the tastes too!
As I finish and the thought arises, if I eat these good foods for me, and strive to lose weight and become unencumbered of the weight, the shame, the sickness that is the fat on my body, I wonder why the fat won't go. Why is is there still after all this time? Why when so many people eat more than I and way worse foods they are smaller or losing weight. Why.
Why because I am tied to my mother. That is what arose from inside. The tie literally that Healing Woman saw from the back of my fear Chakra is tied to someone. I think its to my mother, I thought that already when she told me. So much that is inextricably tied to her and I wasn't even conscious of it. I can still remember being in my young teens and tweens and weighing myself and the numbers just kept rising and I has helpless to do anything about it. The despair and sadness, the inability to have any control over anything, my life, my weight.
I would just watch her drive away to the bar and leave me at home, in my own little slice of hell. A young girl just wanting to be pretty and feel good about herself. I felt like a fat ugly monster, un-loveable and certainly unlikeable. God knows she told me often enough. Never enough was I. Never. I am seeing so many experiences through fresh eyes now. I am so grateful. I was enough, I was never meant to be left alone and unloved and uncared for for hours on end. To put myself to bed and feed myself and care for myself. But in reality it was a favor in some ways. When she was at the bar the house was quiet. It was peace filled. I didn't have to listen to her music blaring - sad music echoing her own sadness and insanity. I just waited for her to come home drunk with one of her males and just want to crawl away. Sleep interrupted always. Sometimes violent fights, sometimes the same men, sometimes different ones. Her suicide attempts, her laughing screaming insanity. Phone calls to the police, help from neighbors. Why didn't she just fuck off? I feel the despair even sitting and writing this. The insanity. I guess this is my opportunity to have a look and move forward. To acknowledge the insanity and know that it wasn't mine. It was theirs. Time to reveal my life and my body, not the life and body their insanity made!
Healing Woman (HW) has emailed me to set an appt. time for our first session. I had emailed her for her shoe size (I am knitting her socks) and she said it sounded like it was time to set our first session. I quietly freaked out. As much as I want this my stomach clenched and my heart started to pound. Fear knows that changes are a coming.
I can actually see the fear encapsulated in my body now. I can see it in my knees and hips, I can feel it in my abdomen. I can begin to see that the fear isn't even mind. The fear is the abusers in my life that they have put on me. It is my fear in a different way. My response to it as well.
Had coffee with Grace yesterday and were speaking of mothers. Her mother had this "thing" with her eyes and brows. Whoa, so did mine. It was a Gloria Swanson type look, haughty and demeaning and so profoundly controlling. It was actually unspeakable, "The Look". One eye brow up and this look of disdain. I swear I would be a mouldering pile of ashes on the floor after my own mother looked at me like that.
Her specialty was the one eye brow raised a la Dr. Spock on Star Trek. WTF! Really, what was that all about. Its laughable now, and really it was then if the fear had been so real. As if that look could strike you dead. Grace said that too, death.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN? And really Gloria Swanson, Elizabeth Taylor and Joan Crawford and all those script writers and directors have a ton to answer for. The Look, power, control, fear, disdain, the whole ball of wax in one.
I am on a relationship journey with myself. Hello you its nice to meet you. You look like a person I would like to get to know.
Here's to love and light and laughter
I realize I am eating by rote and decide to be in my body while I eat not distracted by reading. My stomach releases and eases. Its easier to breath.
I begin to really observe what I am eating. (I am great at distracting myself from my food, a life long habit of denial that I am eating) the very thing I do for pleasure and I even distract myself from that, the sin of gorging. If I don't acknowledge it maybe it didn't happen. Hmmm . . . . like so many things in life!
I chose to consciously eat my blueberries and raspberries and really observe the delight that they are. Each a perfect jewel. I love berries.
The blueberries as they begin to warm slightly in the sun begin to have a dusky bloom as the moisture inside begins to bead on the blue skin. Each a perfect globe of construction from the bloom end to the stem. They are perfect, fleshy, seedy ready to create something wonderful either in the ground planted, or in my body, planted. Raspberries. Each perfect little seed pocket nature has created. I like to tuck a blueberry inside a raspberry. So pleasing the colors together and the tastes too!
As I finish and the thought arises, if I eat these good foods for me, and strive to lose weight and become unencumbered of the weight, the shame, the sickness that is the fat on my body, I wonder why the fat won't go. Why is is there still after all this time? Why when so many people eat more than I and way worse foods they are smaller or losing weight. Why.
Why because I am tied to my mother. That is what arose from inside. The tie literally that Healing Woman saw from the back of my fear Chakra is tied to someone. I think its to my mother, I thought that already when she told me. So much that is inextricably tied to her and I wasn't even conscious of it. I can still remember being in my young teens and tweens and weighing myself and the numbers just kept rising and I has helpless to do anything about it. The despair and sadness, the inability to have any control over anything, my life, my weight.
I would just watch her drive away to the bar and leave me at home, in my own little slice of hell. A young girl just wanting to be pretty and feel good about herself. I felt like a fat ugly monster, un-loveable and certainly unlikeable. God knows she told me often enough. Never enough was I. Never. I am seeing so many experiences through fresh eyes now. I am so grateful. I was enough, I was never meant to be left alone and unloved and uncared for for hours on end. To put myself to bed and feed myself and care for myself. But in reality it was a favor in some ways. When she was at the bar the house was quiet. It was peace filled. I didn't have to listen to her music blaring - sad music echoing her own sadness and insanity. I just waited for her to come home drunk with one of her males and just want to crawl away. Sleep interrupted always. Sometimes violent fights, sometimes the same men, sometimes different ones. Her suicide attempts, her laughing screaming insanity. Phone calls to the police, help from neighbors. Why didn't she just fuck off? I feel the despair even sitting and writing this. The insanity. I guess this is my opportunity to have a look and move forward. To acknowledge the insanity and know that it wasn't mine. It was theirs. Time to reveal my life and my body, not the life and body their insanity made!
Healing Woman (HW) has emailed me to set an appt. time for our first session. I had emailed her for her shoe size (I am knitting her socks) and she said it sounded like it was time to set our first session. I quietly freaked out. As much as I want this my stomach clenched and my heart started to pound. Fear knows that changes are a coming.
I can actually see the fear encapsulated in my body now. I can see it in my knees and hips, I can feel it in my abdomen. I can begin to see that the fear isn't even mind. The fear is the abusers in my life that they have put on me. It is my fear in a different way. My response to it as well.
Had coffee with Grace yesterday and were speaking of mothers. Her mother had this "thing" with her eyes and brows. Whoa, so did mine. It was a Gloria Swanson type look, haughty and demeaning and so profoundly controlling. It was actually unspeakable, "The Look". One eye brow up and this look of disdain. I swear I would be a mouldering pile of ashes on the floor after my own mother looked at me like that.
Her specialty was the one eye brow raised a la Dr. Spock on Star Trek. WTF! Really, what was that all about. Its laughable now, and really it was then if the fear had been so real. As if that look could strike you dead. Grace said that too, death.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN? And really Gloria Swanson, Elizabeth Taylor and Joan Crawford and all those script writers and directors have a ton to answer for. The Look, power, control, fear, disdain, the whole ball of wax in one.
I am on a relationship journey with myself. Hello you its nice to meet you. You look like a person I would like to get to know.
Here's to love and light and laughter
Thursday, August 4, 2011
What I Know for Sure - There Are No Mistakes!
I knew this morning that I would be speaking to the woman who offered to do energy work with me before.
I knew that I would be speaking with her this morning. I spoke with her at least a month ago.
Sure enough in the hall way "do you have 5 minutes" She asked me about what has been going on, my expectations around what she did, and her explanations of what she did.
After I explained about what healing and growing I had been doing and the memories etc. She said that she could actually see over my fear Chakra a white band that ran around the back of the Chakra and it was tied to something as in a wall. She saw me bound. Arms crossed. She thought I would find that disturbing. Well fair enough.She chose not to look further at that time. She explained it could a tie to someone or something.
I know that it is a tie to my mother and or father or both. My mother I think though.
How amazing that God answers and provides so very quickly. I finished my last blog this a.m. before I left for work and a hour or two later the responses come. AMAZING Grace.
I explained how I felt so fractured and stretched and never ever feeling like I was in the right place. She explained that I was fractured or splintered and she would be able to help me with that. I explained I am feeling so out of touch sometimes and I want to be so in touch living present in my body.
So we are exchanging energy instead of money, because she felt intuitively that she was to work with me. That I would know what energy. I thought about it and asked if hand knit socks would be good. She smiled. So hand knit socks it is. And she left the pattern and colors to me, to be intuitive about it. I know the color already and I am thinking some very plain simple socks, uncomplicated and soothing to knit. I think there will be a journey even as I knit them.
She gave me responses which already confirmed the things I know. I know that I hold my breath (I was light headed talking with her) and she observed when I told that I had stopped breathing a couple of times (FEAR) but where the fear Chakra is is exactly where I don't breath. And the strap and the back of the Chakra go around to where all the pain in my back is and radiates out from! I knew before she even said it and explained to me. She said it wasn't hot or warm even just cool, but there. I know that I hold "something" there just not what.
THESE SHACKLES ARE COMING OFF!
I explained that I would like to wait until September because I had a knitting project I had to complete.
I am willing to wait to be patient and not rush. So what is waiting in my emails when I came home. Our resident Soul Coach's message of Love.
I knew that I would be speaking with her this morning. I spoke with her at least a month ago.
Sure enough in the hall way "do you have 5 minutes" She asked me about what has been going on, my expectations around what she did, and her explanations of what she did.
After I explained about what healing and growing I had been doing and the memories etc. She said that she could actually see over my fear Chakra a white band that ran around the back of the Chakra and it was tied to something as in a wall. She saw me bound. Arms crossed. She thought I would find that disturbing. Well fair enough.She chose not to look further at that time. She explained it could a tie to someone or something.
I know that it is a tie to my mother and or father or both. My mother I think though.
How amazing that God answers and provides so very quickly. I finished my last blog this a.m. before I left for work and a hour or two later the responses come. AMAZING Grace.
I explained how I felt so fractured and stretched and never ever feeling like I was in the right place. She explained that I was fractured or splintered and she would be able to help me with that. I explained I am feeling so out of touch sometimes and I want to be so in touch living present in my body.
So we are exchanging energy instead of money, because she felt intuitively that she was to work with me. That I would know what energy. I thought about it and asked if hand knit socks would be good. She smiled. So hand knit socks it is. And she left the pattern and colors to me, to be intuitive about it. I know the color already and I am thinking some very plain simple socks, uncomplicated and soothing to knit. I think there will be a journey even as I knit them.
She gave me responses which already confirmed the things I know. I know that I hold my breath (I was light headed talking with her) and she observed when I told that I had stopped breathing a couple of times (FEAR) but where the fear Chakra is is exactly where I don't breath. And the strap and the back of the Chakra go around to where all the pain in my back is and radiates out from! I knew before she even said it and explained to me. She said it wasn't hot or warm even just cool, but there. I know that I hold "something" there just not what.
THESE SHACKLES ARE COMING OFF!
I explained that I would like to wait until September because I had a knitting project I had to complete.
I am willing to wait to be patient and not rush. So what is waiting in my emails when I came home. Our resident Soul Coach's message of Love.
"When you are relaxed picture a huge bubble of loving energy descend on you. Allow the energy to seep into your whole being letting you feel FULLY accepted and cherished. Give yourself time to feel that. Then notice the timeless quality in it and allow a deep loving patience to permeate you. Feel it.
Let the loving patience stay with you and guide you to let go of thoughts of rapid outcomes. Let it guide you to recognize the real value in the little things. Look at the treasures of nature for examples and feel the love of Divinity that connects us all.
Namaste
Linda"
Remember the last blog finished this morning about Love, and how I wrote of women and accepting their love. There is no mistake along this journey that we are meant to be together that there are the signs along the way and I value and appreciate with the deepest gratitude all that coming to me.
I value you and appreciate so deeply all of the beauty in each of you. Thank you!
Love Col
Triggers - Giving Love or Withholding Love - What that looks like
Not sure what it going on however, it seems that in my life things are really going full circle.
I know that somewhere in my life as a very young child I was threatened repeatedly with regards to behaving and staying where I was supposed to be, to not cause any trouble to behave and do as I was told always.
To the point that some sort of fear tactics by my mother were so profoundly driven into me (and my sib's too probably) that I am paralyzed trying to release myself.
This is hard to explain even to myself.
What I have come to realize is this: I currently live as this woman today, functioning along as an adult, with the skills of a very young child buried very deeply.
Having recently figured out the "fat suit" " crib restraint" thing, I am realizing that I am still living in this place of profound fear. If I bust loose and really go for "it" something really bad is going to happen. I think somewhere along the way I have been very threatened. Also, what message I am getting from deep within and coming up to the surface is that if I do what I want and when I want to then . . . I will no longer be loved or cared for.
I am eating away here today after some really profound experiences yesterday and wondering what is driving the eating. Something is. What am I really trying to avoid or stuff. What am I afraid of.
Because afraid is what instantly popped up for me. I am afraid. What am I afraid of? I am afraid that if I really do this thing, if I become fit and healthy, beautiful and alluring, if I live a fantastic life that I am supposed to live then my mother will no longer love me. But, she isn't in my life, so I have transferred that to my husband. I realized this 30 years ago, and here I am back to the beginning. SIGH...
I remember leaving counseling one day and walking the upper levels bridge in Edmonton back into the city. And realizing then that if i lived my life as I wanted then Brent would think I didn't need him and he would reject me and no longer love me. Here I am back at that again. 30 years later.
I think that I was so denied love, care or compassion to the point of abject fear. We were so terrified of our mother. I remember being called downstairs by her and my sister Pat going with me, and telling me, don't let her see you are afraid of her. If you cry it will be worse, and her showing me how to dig my finger nails into my palms so I could focus on that instead of hearing my mother berate me.
When she would call us we would be sick to our stomachs. My whole bowel would become wobbly. She had figured out and said something to us in such a way that we understood that we would be dead we would die if we did not do what we were told
I have a thing about my death. I have spent long parts of my life planning my service, what music etc. So I wouldn't have to burden anyone else with it. Sick huh. One day several years ago, I made a decision to not plan that any more. To plan to live and be.
I think that some time in our lives we have been threatened with death as a way of being controlled. However, with our mother she is so covert and sick that it could have looked like anything, but, the message was very clear. Death. I have read where young children see death as very real as part of a survival instinct.
Its in the very fiber of our bodies for survival as babies. So what happened? What was said or not said, implied.
What I know for sure is that fear tactics of some sort were used in a very sneaky covert way. It is so woven into the warp and weft of the fibers of my life. So that today without being aware I operate from a place of very deep fear. Just simply not aware.
Yesterday I was with my workmates and we were all sharing information about ourselves, and all this female energy started moving around. I don't even remember what got me started but I was sharing about being zipped into restraints of some sort my mother sewed and tied into my crib. I had a memory while I was standing there. The memory was fleeting and more an image and a "gut" sensation. I started retching, here it comes. I remembered being orally abused while being restrained. It was so very brief I could have missed it under different circumstances. I started to cry and the friends brought me in and sat me down. Closed the door and just rubbed my back. I made the decision to allow the energy to move with them. I am used to doing this with a counselor or on my own (that's kind of scary on your own!) So these women stayed with me and crooned and rubbed my back while I retched into a recycle bin. I realized afterwards that the bin is very important. It is a receptacle for the poison in me. Out of my body and into a receptacle.
I have never moved energy like that with anyone but a certified person because I was always afraid I would hurt the people around me. I didn't want them to be inflicted with anything coming from me. Keep others safe. My sisters are the same, they protect and keep those safe around them. They have always tried to keep me safe and protected. When does wanting other to be safe, protected and championed become something that grows in scope and momentum to become huge and out of control. I can become so fixated on wanting someone else to be well, do well, have everything they need, it becomes very unhealthy. Boundaries, understanding the person or people will be okay, what my role really looks like. The Boy had recently said that I can make people uncomfortable making sure they are comfortable, I can be overly solicitous was his implication. He's 12 and male and had me figured out already. Hmmmm . . . . observant child.
I think that message came very clearly as a young child. Keep others safe. Keep your sib's safe, keep everyone safe, because you just never know whats coming, or when its going to get there. The blessings of living with a multi-personalitied individual.
I went out this afternoon in shorts. I never ever leave my house in shorts unless its to the pool in our complex or the beach and even then its a long sarong. My thighs are not my favorite body part. As I was driving back to the ball park, I was thinking about that and how I protect the world around me from my ugly thighs, and fat upper arms. Really . . . . that's what the world needs protecting from!? MY EGO. If people look at my thighs and arms and are disgusted. Sorry about that. I did say I was about keeping others safe!
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired of my body. My poor body has been through so much. Its time to love this body up. To love it and cherish it, wrap it up in pretty paper and put a bow on it!!!!!!!!!!!
I have decided that I am going to wear beautiful clothes that speak to who I am today. Whatever that looks like. Appropriate but, sexy or pretty or soft or whatever. Clothes that make me feel feminine.
I have just had enough of feeling so fat and ugly. I have said for many years now that when I look in the mirror or down at my own body I wonder who that person is. I have known for some time now that this body is not mine. It is not the body I was intended to have. My brain "sees" my body one way and then I look in the mirror and start to cry. They don't match up. My brain "body" is tall and strong and fit. I carry myself well with beautiful posture, my limbs are long and strong. Muscled and sleek. Broad shoulder deep chested, small waisted and round hipped. Strong thighs and beautiful beautiful feet.
I always hated my feet growing up. Duck feet. Wide and weird. Today I love my feet. They are wide, but, they are beautiful and my toes are lovely, and I have beautiful toe nails. I love the freckle on my big toe beside my nail. I love my feet and take very good care of them. Everyone knows a pedicure is a great gift for me!
When I look in the mirror, I see something completely different. The messages don't jive.
Then I started to have the visions come of a "fat suit" and "zipping" it off. Of zipping it off and stepping out of it. My true body being revealed (someone said that to me about 20 years ago) your body has yet to be revealed. I never forgot that! Then putting together the information my sister gave me, of the zipper in the restraints.
I was driving with my friend and we were doing a circle route back to the hotel and I was telling her my story. It took the whole drive for me and I came back to what I started. Fat suit, restraints, and zipping.
I AM ZIPPING OFF THE RESTRAINTS IN MY CRIB, I AM ALLOWING MY BODY TO MOVE FREELY AND AS IT WANTS. Because of how "trained" my mother made me know that I wasn't to move to be still and obey, and death or something like that would be the punishment. Well, the training worked because here I am at having just turned 50 and the pieces are starting to come together. Fear is holding me in place. As the Soul Coach I saw once helped me figure out. I am ready to lose weight and move from this place, panic is keeping me here.
The training my mother used and father must have been really really good, because I think my sib's might be going through the same thing. FEAR. False Evidence Appearing Real. But, with fear that deep it doesn't feel false it feels very real. Right deep in the body.
After the energy work yesterday (or whatever its called) my knees stopped hurting as did my back. I was so tired I felt like I had run miles. I ate in appropriately last night, and I knew what I was doing.
I was thinking about that as I was finishing dinner prep tonight, and being so sick of being fat and not wearing pretty clothes. Song lyrics popped into my head "often times it happens when we live our lives in chains and we didn't even know we had the keys"! The Eagles. The brain is an amazing thing and God is Amazing always providing. Always giving us the keys to become free.
Quote from yesterday "Our soul should be our only judge"
I pray to be loving and caring, nurturing and kind to myself. With thought and deed, with nourishment and association.
I am so grateful for my sisters, for my female friends, for my daughters. All that female energy: healing, caring, loving. I love the men too, but it's a different energy. I think because I was so denied a woman's love growing up that I shunned it as unnecessary because I never received it, the rejection hurt too much. Today I allow and embrace and encourage female love. I think this is why my mother hated my grandmothers so much. They gave me/us the love we needed and we became so very bonded to them.
My sister recently had a conversation with our mother and part of the content was about love and when she stopped loving her in particular. I totally understand that. My mother never loved me. Ever. I have known that for years and told counselors that. They have said of course she loved you at some point, or you are right she didn't . Some people are so horrified. But, I know the truth deep in my gut, and my gut/Truth tells me that it never happened.
"all we need is love" the beatles
"Faith Hope and Love, the greatest of these is Love" the Bible (my favorite verse)
"love will keep us together"
The list goes on an on of things about Love.
I pray for Love for each and everyone on of us, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your Love.
I know that somewhere in my life as a very young child I was threatened repeatedly with regards to behaving and staying where I was supposed to be, to not cause any trouble to behave and do as I was told always.
To the point that some sort of fear tactics by my mother were so profoundly driven into me (and my sib's too probably) that I am paralyzed trying to release myself.
This is hard to explain even to myself.
What I have come to realize is this: I currently live as this woman today, functioning along as an adult, with the skills of a very young child buried very deeply.
Having recently figured out the "fat suit" " crib restraint" thing, I am realizing that I am still living in this place of profound fear. If I bust loose and really go for "it" something really bad is going to happen. I think somewhere along the way I have been very threatened. Also, what message I am getting from deep within and coming up to the surface is that if I do what I want and when I want to then . . . I will no longer be loved or cared for.
I am eating away here today after some really profound experiences yesterday and wondering what is driving the eating. Something is. What am I really trying to avoid or stuff. What am I afraid of.
Because afraid is what instantly popped up for me. I am afraid. What am I afraid of? I am afraid that if I really do this thing, if I become fit and healthy, beautiful and alluring, if I live a fantastic life that I am supposed to live then my mother will no longer love me. But, she isn't in my life, so I have transferred that to my husband. I realized this 30 years ago, and here I am back to the beginning. SIGH...
I remember leaving counseling one day and walking the upper levels bridge in Edmonton back into the city. And realizing then that if i lived my life as I wanted then Brent would think I didn't need him and he would reject me and no longer love me. Here I am back at that again. 30 years later.
I think that I was so denied love, care or compassion to the point of abject fear. We were so terrified of our mother. I remember being called downstairs by her and my sister Pat going with me, and telling me, don't let her see you are afraid of her. If you cry it will be worse, and her showing me how to dig my finger nails into my palms so I could focus on that instead of hearing my mother berate me.
When she would call us we would be sick to our stomachs. My whole bowel would become wobbly. She had figured out and said something to us in such a way that we understood that we would be dead we would die if we did not do what we were told
I have a thing about my death. I have spent long parts of my life planning my service, what music etc. So I wouldn't have to burden anyone else with it. Sick huh. One day several years ago, I made a decision to not plan that any more. To plan to live and be.
I think that some time in our lives we have been threatened with death as a way of being controlled. However, with our mother she is so covert and sick that it could have looked like anything, but, the message was very clear. Death. I have read where young children see death as very real as part of a survival instinct.
Its in the very fiber of our bodies for survival as babies. So what happened? What was said or not said, implied.
What I know for sure is that fear tactics of some sort were used in a very sneaky covert way. It is so woven into the warp and weft of the fibers of my life. So that today without being aware I operate from a place of very deep fear. Just simply not aware.
Yesterday I was with my workmates and we were all sharing information about ourselves, and all this female energy started moving around. I don't even remember what got me started but I was sharing about being zipped into restraints of some sort my mother sewed and tied into my crib. I had a memory while I was standing there. The memory was fleeting and more an image and a "gut" sensation. I started retching, here it comes. I remembered being orally abused while being restrained. It was so very brief I could have missed it under different circumstances. I started to cry and the friends brought me in and sat me down. Closed the door and just rubbed my back. I made the decision to allow the energy to move with them. I am used to doing this with a counselor or on my own (that's kind of scary on your own!) So these women stayed with me and crooned and rubbed my back while I retched into a recycle bin. I realized afterwards that the bin is very important. It is a receptacle for the poison in me. Out of my body and into a receptacle.
I have never moved energy like that with anyone but a certified person because I was always afraid I would hurt the people around me. I didn't want them to be inflicted with anything coming from me. Keep others safe. My sisters are the same, they protect and keep those safe around them. They have always tried to keep me safe and protected. When does wanting other to be safe, protected and championed become something that grows in scope and momentum to become huge and out of control. I can become so fixated on wanting someone else to be well, do well, have everything they need, it becomes very unhealthy. Boundaries, understanding the person or people will be okay, what my role really looks like. The Boy had recently said that I can make people uncomfortable making sure they are comfortable, I can be overly solicitous was his implication. He's 12 and male and had me figured out already. Hmmmm . . . . observant child.
I think that message came very clearly as a young child. Keep others safe. Keep your sib's safe, keep everyone safe, because you just never know whats coming, or when its going to get there. The blessings of living with a multi-personalitied individual.
I went out this afternoon in shorts. I never ever leave my house in shorts unless its to the pool in our complex or the beach and even then its a long sarong. My thighs are not my favorite body part. As I was driving back to the ball park, I was thinking about that and how I protect the world around me from my ugly thighs, and fat upper arms. Really . . . . that's what the world needs protecting from!? MY EGO. If people look at my thighs and arms and are disgusted. Sorry about that. I did say I was about keeping others safe!
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired of my body. My poor body has been through so much. Its time to love this body up. To love it and cherish it, wrap it up in pretty paper and put a bow on it!!!!!!!!!!!
I have decided that I am going to wear beautiful clothes that speak to who I am today. Whatever that looks like. Appropriate but, sexy or pretty or soft or whatever. Clothes that make me feel feminine.
I have just had enough of feeling so fat and ugly. I have said for many years now that when I look in the mirror or down at my own body I wonder who that person is. I have known for some time now that this body is not mine. It is not the body I was intended to have. My brain "sees" my body one way and then I look in the mirror and start to cry. They don't match up. My brain "body" is tall and strong and fit. I carry myself well with beautiful posture, my limbs are long and strong. Muscled and sleek. Broad shoulder deep chested, small waisted and round hipped. Strong thighs and beautiful beautiful feet.
I always hated my feet growing up. Duck feet. Wide and weird. Today I love my feet. They are wide, but, they are beautiful and my toes are lovely, and I have beautiful toe nails. I love the freckle on my big toe beside my nail. I love my feet and take very good care of them. Everyone knows a pedicure is a great gift for me!
When I look in the mirror, I see something completely different. The messages don't jive.
Then I started to have the visions come of a "fat suit" and "zipping" it off. Of zipping it off and stepping out of it. My true body being revealed (someone said that to me about 20 years ago) your body has yet to be revealed. I never forgot that! Then putting together the information my sister gave me, of the zipper in the restraints.
I was driving with my friend and we were doing a circle route back to the hotel and I was telling her my story. It took the whole drive for me and I came back to what I started. Fat suit, restraints, and zipping.
I AM ZIPPING OFF THE RESTRAINTS IN MY CRIB, I AM ALLOWING MY BODY TO MOVE FREELY AND AS IT WANTS. Because of how "trained" my mother made me know that I wasn't to move to be still and obey, and death or something like that would be the punishment. Well, the training worked because here I am at having just turned 50 and the pieces are starting to come together. Fear is holding me in place. As the Soul Coach I saw once helped me figure out. I am ready to lose weight and move from this place, panic is keeping me here.
The training my mother used and father must have been really really good, because I think my sib's might be going through the same thing. FEAR. False Evidence Appearing Real. But, with fear that deep it doesn't feel false it feels very real. Right deep in the body.
After the energy work yesterday (or whatever its called) my knees stopped hurting as did my back. I was so tired I felt like I had run miles. I ate in appropriately last night, and I knew what I was doing.
I was thinking about that as I was finishing dinner prep tonight, and being so sick of being fat and not wearing pretty clothes. Song lyrics popped into my head "often times it happens when we live our lives in chains and we didn't even know we had the keys"! The Eagles. The brain is an amazing thing and God is Amazing always providing. Always giving us the keys to become free.
Quote from yesterday "Our soul should be our only judge"
I pray to be loving and caring, nurturing and kind to myself. With thought and deed, with nourishment and association.
I am so grateful for my sisters, for my female friends, for my daughters. All that female energy: healing, caring, loving. I love the men too, but it's a different energy. I think because I was so denied a woman's love growing up that I shunned it as unnecessary because I never received it, the rejection hurt too much. Today I allow and embrace and encourage female love. I think this is why my mother hated my grandmothers so much. They gave me/us the love we needed and we became so very bonded to them.
My sister recently had a conversation with our mother and part of the content was about love and when she stopped loving her in particular. I totally understand that. My mother never loved me. Ever. I have known that for years and told counselors that. They have said of course she loved you at some point, or you are right she didn't . Some people are so horrified. But, I know the truth deep in my gut, and my gut/Truth tells me that it never happened.
"all we need is love" the beatles
"Faith Hope and Love, the greatest of these is Love" the Bible (my favorite verse)
"love will keep us together"
The list goes on an on of things about Love.
I pray for Love for each and everyone on of us, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your Love.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Messages Come in all Shapes and Sizes
As I was walking through James Bay in Victoria last night, looking at all the beautiful, funky old Victorian homes we were talking about receiving messages from everywhere. As we walked on there was a car with a business logo - (something about, I can't remember it exactly) www.tellyourstory.ca. Ha!
I guess blogging is telling my story. Too funny.
I realized yesterday as I was walking the Harbor in the afternoon that I was back in the place I was born on my 50th birthday. I thought it was cool at the time because I was in Vic. a place I really love, to look at the gardens and ocean etc. And then I realized it was 50 years and I was back to the beginning. 50 years. What! How did that happen?
Off to the tidal pools this morning and a drive along Dallas Road and a visit to the Chinese Cemetary.
I guess blogging is telling my story. Too funny.
I realized yesterday as I was walking the Harbor in the afternoon that I was back in the place I was born on my 50th birthday. I thought it was cool at the time because I was in Vic. a place I really love, to look at the gardens and ocean etc. And then I realized it was 50 years and I was back to the beginning. 50 years. What! How did that happen?
Off to the tidal pools this morning and a drive along Dallas Road and a visit to the Chinese Cemetary.
Friday, July 22, 2011
I'm 50 Today!
This day looks quite different from I thought it might look like. And you know I am open and completely accepting of all that it is today.
I AM BLESSED.
On a ferry with The Boy's team mate going to Victoria to watch the boys play in the Provincials for Little League. What better present could a girl ask for?! I love the parents on the team and get to be with Eldest for a few hours.
I have just opened presents. I received from Husband and The Boy an E-Reader and from Clever Girl a beautiful knit case for it (in green of course) and tickets for the Emily Carr exhibition. CANNOT WAIT!
And some beautiful hand made soap from my mother in law. Cards from friends.
My sisters took me for an amazing dinner and gifted me with so many beautiful gifts, hand made and books, tea and self care items. All so thought filled for me. A beautiful poster framed from France/Vogue from July 1961. Gabrielle and I are going to see if we can re-produce it with me in it now!
I am 50 today. I am so excited. I am so happy, and I am so so so blessed.
The sun is shining, the day is extending out before me with possibilities. I love days with possibilities. What might happen what experiences waiting for me. What What What. I love living in a place of hope and wonderment.
I am blessed with family and friends, I am blessed to live in this amazing community. I am blessed to work and play with amazing people. I am blessed.
I am blessed that I am a child of God.
Gotta go get ready. Have a great day everyone!
Love Col
I AM BLESSED.
On a ferry with The Boy's team mate going to Victoria to watch the boys play in the Provincials for Little League. What better present could a girl ask for?! I love the parents on the team and get to be with Eldest for a few hours.
I have just opened presents. I received from Husband and The Boy an E-Reader and from Clever Girl a beautiful knit case for it (in green of course) and tickets for the Emily Carr exhibition. CANNOT WAIT!
And some beautiful hand made soap from my mother in law. Cards from friends.
My sisters took me for an amazing dinner and gifted me with so many beautiful gifts, hand made and books, tea and self care items. All so thought filled for me. A beautiful poster framed from France/Vogue from July 1961. Gabrielle and I are going to see if we can re-produce it with me in it now!
I am 50 today. I am so excited. I am so happy, and I am so so so blessed.
The sun is shining, the day is extending out before me with possibilities. I love days with possibilities. What might happen what experiences waiting for me. What What What. I love living in a place of hope and wonderment.
I am blessed with family and friends, I am blessed to live in this amazing community. I am blessed to work and play with amazing people. I am blessed.
I am blessed that I am a child of God.
Gotta go get ready. Have a great day everyone!
Love Col
Thursday, July 14, 2011
My back again
Why is it when I do something good for my body I get hurt? Can someone please explain this to me? Why?
I had a great work out going and then tweaked my back and my discs are all cranky again. And cranky wouldn't even be close to what would cover this discomfort. NOT FAIR. I am whinging just so we are all clear.
And I am trying not to panic as we have a ton of stuff coming up in our lives and I am so frightened about my back.
So . . . please help me by praying that I will stay in each day and that my back will heal quickly. Thankfully the physio was able to see me yesterday! I have work and I am not sure how I am going to manage as I am already off with my knee for my other classes. WHAT IS GOING ON?!
God please reveal to me what I am to do. Your will please.
I had a great work out going and then tweaked my back and my discs are all cranky again. And cranky wouldn't even be close to what would cover this discomfort. NOT FAIR. I am whinging just so we are all clear.
And I am trying not to panic as we have a ton of stuff coming up in our lives and I am so frightened about my back.
So . . . please help me by praying that I will stay in each day and that my back will heal quickly. Thankfully the physio was able to see me yesterday! I have work and I am not sure how I am going to manage as I am already off with my knee for my other classes. WHAT IS GOING ON?!
God please reveal to me what I am to do. Your will please.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed” (Rom. 12:2),
4 hours of sleep. I guess if I don't spend the time in meditation during waking hours, my body and spirit will make the time up during sleep. Or lack there of.
Midnight till 4 a.m. apparently last night. I laid and prayed and tried to ease the pain through my ribs and back and hip and hamstring and knee. Somehow this is all connected. This time of spirit and movement being still and "knowing I am God". Its all of it, its being still, its movement, its in prayer and meditation.
My body requires movement and my spirit requires movement and meditation. Feldenkrais.
I realized in the wee hours that I figured out what the Holy Spirit was in Harry Potter (see last post).
Duh, I had been writing about it. A patronius. The patronius is the Holy Spirit. Within us and without us.
Guiding and leading and protecting.
As I was laying and resting and just letting my mind try to be still I was "seeing" only a large dark wall in front of me. When I finally thought of a patronius I began to imagine what my happiest times were. Or something that filled me. It was my children. My whole body cavity filled with a rush of energy, and as I added to it instead of just staying where I was the sensation depleted.
Lesson stop trying to stuff more in. Hmmm . . . . food, things to do in a day, more, more, more.
Keep it simple sweetheart (KISS)
I went back to read my title. Boy do I get off track!
Daily Bread had that as part of the passage today. I am striving to be svelte and fit (fit is good!) because of my worldly views, of my judgment of myself and vanity. Conforming to this world, as opposed to be transformed into God's image or the glory for God. Which in fact would be the very best thing for me.
God as I travel through this life may I in all ways be for your Glory. May my eyes always be set upon you and not myself.
Midnight till 4 a.m. apparently last night. I laid and prayed and tried to ease the pain through my ribs and back and hip and hamstring and knee. Somehow this is all connected. This time of spirit and movement being still and "knowing I am God". Its all of it, its being still, its movement, its in prayer and meditation.
My body requires movement and my spirit requires movement and meditation. Feldenkrais.
I realized in the wee hours that I figured out what the Holy Spirit was in Harry Potter (see last post).
Duh, I had been writing about it. A patronius. The patronius is the Holy Spirit. Within us and without us.
Guiding and leading and protecting.
As I was laying and resting and just letting my mind try to be still I was "seeing" only a large dark wall in front of me. When I finally thought of a patronius I began to imagine what my happiest times were. Or something that filled me. It was my children. My whole body cavity filled with a rush of energy, and as I added to it instead of just staying where I was the sensation depleted.
Lesson stop trying to stuff more in. Hmmm . . . . food, things to do in a day, more, more, more.
Keep it simple sweetheart (KISS)
I went back to read my title. Boy do I get off track!
Daily Bread had that as part of the passage today. I am striving to be svelte and fit (fit is good!) because of my worldly views, of my judgment of myself and vanity. Conforming to this world, as opposed to be transformed into God's image or the glory for God. Which in fact would be the very best thing for me.
God as I travel through this life may I in all ways be for your Glory. May my eyes always be set upon you and not myself.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Dementors, Patronuis - Symbolism in Harry Potter
We are currently launching a Harry Potter movie marathon. We are watching each movie in preparation for the last and final installment. BOO HOO! and wahoo at the same time.
Anyways, last night watching and imagining Harry as the sacrifice (The Christ figure as it were) and I realized that Dumbledor is placed as the God figure - Harry says in the Chamber of Secrets - Dumbledor is the greatest wizard, they all feel safe with him and know him to be the very best he is God.
So who is the Holy Spirit? (In quite reflection during the night I realized it was the patronius. The patronius is the spirit that guides and leads the characters.)
I am seeing symbolism in the movies and books I have never noticed before.
Also, watching Harry learn to think happy thoughts, and not just happy thoughts but the very best of thoughts to create a patronius to keep himself safe from the dementors.
Why can we not create our own patronius our own happy thoughts to keep the dementors from our own lives. Our own dark thoughts, that take us down dark trails, or the worldly experiences we are exposed to each day. Why not create our own patronius our own special shield to protect ourselves and create energy around ourselves.
We know the laws of attraction, we know our own thoughts (ego as it were) can take us to some dark places, we know our desire to be with God/Universe so why not create our own patronius through prayer and meditation.
When I am in dark/or sad places think happy thoughts. Mary Poppins, Pollyanna, Anne of Green Gables, any thing written by Louise May Alcott, all these stories have the same theme.
The concept of the triumph of good over evil of powerful happy thoughts is all around us. Perhaps we just need a reminder.
Anyways, last night watching and imagining Harry as the sacrifice (The Christ figure as it were) and I realized that Dumbledor is placed as the God figure - Harry says in the Chamber of Secrets - Dumbledor is the greatest wizard, they all feel safe with him and know him to be the very best he is God.
So who is the Holy Spirit? (In quite reflection during the night I realized it was the patronius. The patronius is the spirit that guides and leads the characters.)
I am seeing symbolism in the movies and books I have never noticed before.
Also, watching Harry learn to think happy thoughts, and not just happy thoughts but the very best of thoughts to create a patronius to keep himself safe from the dementors.
Why can we not create our own patronius our own happy thoughts to keep the dementors from our own lives. Our own dark thoughts, that take us down dark trails, or the worldly experiences we are exposed to each day. Why not create our own patronius our own special shield to protect ourselves and create energy around ourselves.
We know the laws of attraction, we know our own thoughts (ego as it were) can take us to some dark places, we know our desire to be with God/Universe so why not create our own patronius through prayer and meditation.
When I am in dark/or sad places think happy thoughts. Mary Poppins, Pollyanna, Anne of Green Gables, any thing written by Louise May Alcott, all these stories have the same theme.
The concept of the triumph of good over evil of powerful happy thoughts is all around us. Perhaps we just need a reminder.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Insulin Resistance - http://rheumatic.org/insulin.htm
I have been reading about insulin resistance and I am wondering deeply about how it affects me and those around me. Eating too many refined carbs or carbs period and the craving etc. that follows.
I have read and re-read about diabetes, insulin, pancreas, etc. and I have been trying to figure all that out. More to the point understand how the body works. I get that the cells get overloaded and don't send the message to the brain etc.
But, the above link really really made sense to me. I guess I was ready for the message perhaps!
I have spent a life time of craving food, desiring food, obsessing about food and all that it brings. Really what it is is not the food. Its anything but. But, what I did figure out is this . . . I remember being a kid and having the craving I have now and not understanding it.
I WAS EATING TOO MANY REFINED CARBS FOR MY BODY (it was the 70's people)
My physio said to me recently that the injuries in my body were not my fault. I asked her what I was doing wrong. Nothing she said, it was my body. Hmmm . . that got me thinking. I am looking at myself being so weak willed and an awful human being with no control . . . when in fact (perhaps) its my body.
I have been eating too many carbs for too long and my body just can't manage. My heart is racing and I am getting a head ache even as I write this.
Okay . . . breathe, what next. Truly my chest is getting flip flops and a heat rush. Heh . . . hot flash.
Heart palpitations, flush . . . gotta love this body.
So back to looking at pure food, and I keep figuring that I am eating so well. And I am just needing to add more veggies low GI veggies.
I have been cruising the raw food sites and the spirit behind raw food.
I LOVE IT AND IT SPEAKS TO ME ON SO MANY LEVELS.
Back to basics.
I have read and re-read about diabetes, insulin, pancreas, etc. and I have been trying to figure all that out. More to the point understand how the body works. I get that the cells get overloaded and don't send the message to the brain etc.
But, the above link really really made sense to me. I guess I was ready for the message perhaps!
I have spent a life time of craving food, desiring food, obsessing about food and all that it brings. Really what it is is not the food. Its anything but. But, what I did figure out is this . . . I remember being a kid and having the craving I have now and not understanding it.
I WAS EATING TOO MANY REFINED CARBS FOR MY BODY (it was the 70's people)
My physio said to me recently that the injuries in my body were not my fault. I asked her what I was doing wrong. Nothing she said, it was my body. Hmmm . . that got me thinking. I am looking at myself being so weak willed and an awful human being with no control . . . when in fact (perhaps) its my body.
I have been eating too many carbs for too long and my body just can't manage. My heart is racing and I am getting a head ache even as I write this.
Okay . . . breathe, what next. Truly my chest is getting flip flops and a heat rush. Heh . . . hot flash.
Heart palpitations, flush . . . gotta love this body.
So back to looking at pure food, and I keep figuring that I am eating so well. And I am just needing to add more veggies low GI veggies.
I have been cruising the raw food sites and the spirit behind raw food.
I LOVE IT AND IT SPEAKS TO ME ON SO MANY LEVELS.
Back to basics.
Retreating into Defeat (From the Daily Bread)
Often I read something and it is the most perfect something I was meant to read. The message I was meant to have.
Retreating into defeat.
Whoa. I have never ever heard that put that way before. Profound. How often do I retreat into defeat? I look like I continue to push forward and I do, but, I can also retreat into defeat. In little small ways mostly.
Mostly around thoughts, small little thoughts. And we know where that goes. My thoughts become my feelings, my feeling my behaviors and behaviors and actions. Yikes. Not so small after all.
How to battle defeat - prayer.
Another beautiful day in Paradise!
Retreating into defeat.
Whoa. I have never ever heard that put that way before. Profound. How often do I retreat into defeat? I look like I continue to push forward and I do, but, I can also retreat into defeat. In little small ways mostly.
Mostly around thoughts, small little thoughts. And we know where that goes. My thoughts become my feelings, my feeling my behaviors and behaviors and actions. Yikes. Not so small after all.
How to battle defeat - prayer.
Another beautiful day in Paradise!
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Detours and Desperation and Learning To Walk Before I Run
…we wait until we are at our wit’s end before we seek assistance…. considering reaching out as personal failure or inadequacy re: our own self-esteem…. Foolishly we wait until our way just is not working anymore. That is why AA calls this a gift: the gift of desperation. …For many, the depths into which we have succumbed are now found not to be so deep at all and in fact, ladders are readily available if we use them in recovery. http://carldagostino.wordpress.com/
http://friendtoyourself.com/2011/07/06/the-gift-of-desperation/
Sana-Johnson Quijada MD - she is a psychiatrist and Christian
The above quote is from a blog response put out by Sana her link is above as well.
I have not looked deeply into carl dagostino's however I think this is where I am supposed to be (detours)
and I signed up for Sana-Johnson Quijada's emails everyday. THEY ARE REALLY COOL!
After my last blog and a few more interesting detours and people who have come into my life I was reminded in fact of detours.
Many years ago I had read that God gave us detours to help us keep on track when we are getting off track.
So . . . what does that mean? It means when I think (MY WILL) that the direction I am going in no matter how healthy and apparently good for me I think it is if they detours are on the road, its not the way.
I cannot count the number of times I have begun to exercise and eat right (for example) thinking this is all good to have everything possible come into my path to stop me. Kids who need emergency dr.'s appts., illness or injury on my part whatever. Its so frustrating. We see a straight stretch of road and we are happily driving along listening to the tunes feeling pretty good when whamo there is a road block. And we can see our destination right there on the other side of the detour and we have to go around in another direction AGAINST OUR WILL! Can you deeply remember the sense of frustration inside you? Well I can and I don't like it. Most times I can just be calm about a detour however, there are times when I just want what I want. To get there. Even though the car I am driving is great and the tunes are wonderful I just want to get there.
Hmmmm . . . . enjoy the journey not the destination. Stay present! Be in the moment! Submit my will because its going to happen that way anyway.
Well that sense of frustration is ever present as I go along in my life trying to be a good person doing the right things and caring for my family (who it feels like are being dragged along by me every step of the way) hey, maybe I am their road block and that is my job to be a road block to their own impulses. To teach them to grow and become capable adults who can reap the full rewards that life has to offer. To teach them to take care of themselves and their environments around them. To be responsible.
I AM A ROAD BLOCK AS A PARENT - TO HELP THEM BECOME HEALTHY ADULTS WITH GOOD PRINCIPALS AND VALUES (their own) RESPONSE ABLE (responsible) TO THEIR WORLDS AROUND THEM. TO STAND ON THEIR OWN TWO FEET.
Father God is my road block guiding me along to where He knows I need to be to be able to be response able, to have in my life what is the very best for me. His will for me is what is best for me. And I know that however I become willful or just plain ignore him to be honest. I live in my own little world not in enough prayer really listening.
I listen well, I see the messages along the way he is sending me. The road signs, the detour signs, so if in this present place I see them and adhere to them, what would it be like if I was in more prayer than I am now? Honestly I don't spend enough time in prayer and mediation. I am too busy in the car in idle wanting to go. Without listening to the Navigator telling me which way to go. Like a GPS in the car talking to me telling me which way and how far it is. God help me to listen for your voice, to follow your path adhere to the signs.
Because be honest - God's signs are everywhere if we choose to look for them!
There is a pure purpose and if I realize this and stay on my own path and learn to walk on my path before I want to run on someone else' s path I will be in the right place doing the right thing and be in peace connected to God.
Not idling by the side of the road wasting gas.
Love and Light
http://friendtoyourself.com/2011/07/06/the-gift-of-desperation/
Sana-Johnson Quijada MD - she is a psychiatrist and Christian
The above quote is from a blog response put out by Sana her link is above as well.
I have not looked deeply into carl dagostino's however I think this is where I am supposed to be (detours)
and I signed up for Sana-Johnson Quijada's emails everyday. THEY ARE REALLY COOL!
After my last blog and a few more interesting detours and people who have come into my life I was reminded in fact of detours.
Many years ago I had read that God gave us detours to help us keep on track when we are getting off track.
So . . . what does that mean? It means when I think (MY WILL) that the direction I am going in no matter how healthy and apparently good for me I think it is if they detours are on the road, its not the way.
I cannot count the number of times I have begun to exercise and eat right (for example) thinking this is all good to have everything possible come into my path to stop me. Kids who need emergency dr.'s appts., illness or injury on my part whatever. Its so frustrating. We see a straight stretch of road and we are happily driving along listening to the tunes feeling pretty good when whamo there is a road block. And we can see our destination right there on the other side of the detour and we have to go around in another direction AGAINST OUR WILL! Can you deeply remember the sense of frustration inside you? Well I can and I don't like it. Most times I can just be calm about a detour however, there are times when I just want what I want. To get there. Even though the car I am driving is great and the tunes are wonderful I just want to get there.
Hmmmm . . . . enjoy the journey not the destination. Stay present! Be in the moment! Submit my will because its going to happen that way anyway.
Well that sense of frustration is ever present as I go along in my life trying to be a good person doing the right things and caring for my family (who it feels like are being dragged along by me every step of the way) hey, maybe I am their road block and that is my job to be a road block to their own impulses. To teach them to grow and become capable adults who can reap the full rewards that life has to offer. To teach them to take care of themselves and their environments around them. To be responsible.
I AM A ROAD BLOCK AS A PARENT - TO HELP THEM BECOME HEALTHY ADULTS WITH GOOD PRINCIPALS AND VALUES (their own) RESPONSE ABLE (responsible) TO THEIR WORLDS AROUND THEM. TO STAND ON THEIR OWN TWO FEET.
Father God is my road block guiding me along to where He knows I need to be to be able to be response able, to have in my life what is the very best for me. His will for me is what is best for me. And I know that however I become willful or just plain ignore him to be honest. I live in my own little world not in enough prayer really listening.
I listen well, I see the messages along the way he is sending me. The road signs, the detour signs, so if in this present place I see them and adhere to them, what would it be like if I was in more prayer than I am now? Honestly I don't spend enough time in prayer and mediation. I am too busy in the car in idle wanting to go. Without listening to the Navigator telling me which way to go. Like a GPS in the car talking to me telling me which way and how far it is. God help me to listen for your voice, to follow your path adhere to the signs.
Because be honest - God's signs are everywhere if we choose to look for them!
There is a pure purpose and if I realize this and stay on my own path and learn to walk on my path before I want to run on someone else' s path I will be in the right place doing the right thing and be in peace connected to God.
Not idling by the side of the road wasting gas.
Love and Light
Thursday, July 7, 2011
God's will . . my will . . . and accepting what is what
I have come to some conclusions. I was arriving at these conclusions when I received some affirmations from email messages sent.
I have come to understand that God has a place for me and things for me to learn. And because of this He is in control and what is happening in my life and its up to me to understand. When I am living with my body and what seems to be at odds with what I believe to be healthy and right I realized today that perhaps this is God's plan. I am here in this body which feels like I am in a fat suit because I have some things to learn. What . . I don't know. But if I keep doing the right things at some point when my body is supposed to switch it will.
What I have also learned is - I am exactly where I am supposed to be. The insanity is there because its there.
I have come to understand that God has a place for me and things for me to learn. And because of this He is in control and what is happening in my life and its up to me to understand. When I am living with my body and what seems to be at odds with what I believe to be healthy and right I realized today that perhaps this is God's plan. I am here in this body which feels like I am in a fat suit because I have some things to learn. What . . I don't know. But if I keep doing the right things at some point when my body is supposed to switch it will.
What I have also learned is - I am exactly where I am supposed to be. The insanity is there because its there.
The state that you are in at any given time is completely up to you. We create our state of mind, relative to the state of our conscious awareness. The more conscious you become of how the vehicle of your body and mind work the more control you will have over your senses and your life. by Steven Ss. Sadleir, "The Awakening"
I was also taught -
It is what it is
You are what you it
There are no mistakes.
Keep my head in a positive place, integrity with what I eat, think, and breath.
Faith is not about everything turning out OK;
Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out. - Linda Jarvis
All these people I am blessed to be surrounded by living and learning.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Sand and Socks
What have we been doing? Hmmm . . . going to the beach, sharing a great order of fish and chips, and reading a terrific summer read. The day had cooled and we were pretty much by ourselves at Ambleside. It was lovely.
I love when the water and the sky and the horizon all blend into one silvery grey blue blur.
The Socks (yes with a capital S) they are below and coming along just fine. I tried them on my neighbor who has size 6 feet. Who the hell has size 6 feet? Not me, I'm size 10's and so is Gabrielle. Even Walts feet are way too bit. So down to the neighbors to get her to try them on. The fit perfectly.
The second sock should come along a bit easier and faster as I have done one. I am so proud of these socks. And guess what, not so tired and not so sad. Knitting the ultimate counseling session!
Time to have a stretch and move my body around.
Watching a re-run for the hundredth time of Independence Day.
Eldest is all moved into her new place. She is settling through a move, separating from her boyfriend of 2 plus years all in 2 weeks time. And she is anemic. Please God protect her. She is so happy in her new place and I know she will settle, just so much has happened to her in the last oh . . . six years!
Eldests new home. The converted coal shed of a Victorian house at the end of the garden. She can climb the stairs at the side and sit on the roof. It's lovingly referred to as the living room. I am so happy for her in her new home. However, it promises to be chilly so I am watching out for a small portable heater for her (with a timer!) and an electric blanket to help keep her warm and cozy in the winter. I wish I could have her closer to me. And I know she is where she should be and truly I wouldn't have it any other way.
My beloved children, I am so blessed.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Like many things in my life . . . . . they happen all at once
There is lots to ponder this time of year. The beginning of summer, seasons changing, summer so evocative. Hot summer days, sultry nights, music, bare skin, scents of trees and water, the lakes and rivers. Sunscreen, fruit and veggies, so many things all roll together. I digress from where I meant to go. Its easy to do that in summer.
I'm sleepy from a second day on the ball field with The Boy. Not that I was playing but, holding down and bench and cheering is hard work. Eating cookies is too! Probably the real reason why I am sleepy!
Again, digressing.
Lots to think about. Clever Girl has just graduated and looking at her and the changes she is about to make. She may be moving and I am very sad about that. Happy too, but sad, she is one of my best friends.
Wow, with the digressing.
Changes. Clever Girl graduating, The Boy Graduating from Grade 7. We have been doing a ton of work around that. Its going to be beautiful. Eldest is moving into her first house. Its a tiny converted coal house from the late Victorian era. Its a bachelor house.
All three of my children are having last days of something on the 29th. Last exams, last hour, last day in an old home. With that is the new too. After Grade 12 exams what happens, after the last day of elementary school off to high school. Moving into a new bachelor house what happens.
It made me wonder about what else happens that day, the 29th of June 2011. I no longer am an elementary school parent. After 16 years of my children being in elementary school I am done. Wow. Where did the time go? What happened? It was yesterday Eldest was going to kindergarten, and then Clever Girl, and The Boy really was like yesterday. What shall I do when my children are no longer in elementary school? Who shall I be? My identity is around that, but, I have begun in the last year to allow that to shed and slough too.
I have a child in university. I have a child post high school, unsure of her next steps and traveling on her journey. I have a child about to enter high school. I am no longer responsible for any one in elementary school. It will be very different.
I have some recent events that have happened and comments made that helped me reflect on some achievements. The comments I could have taken one way or another, and when it came I was tired so I took then another way yet. It was good because I began to justify myself a bit, and that in its self is not always good. Anyways, it was good (when I got my intent straight) to look at what I have accomplished in the past 16 years, and longer
I have raised from birth to 20 1/2 years Eldest
I have raised from birth to 17 1/2 years Clever Girl
I have raised from birth to 12 3/4 years The Boy
I have celebrated 25 years of marriage and 30 years of togetherness
I have organized and done approximately 14 years of Brown Bag Lunch. That's 126 lunches give or take for approximately 50 per lunch
I have organized and worked 2 parent dances (that's bands, food, alcohol, decorations (often by myself), several pan cake breakfasts, fun day lunches, teachers lunches, welcoming parents by making a nice tea and such for them year after year.
Walking school bus for 2 years.
Pizza day - this is a biggie - for the past 10 years or so - Pizza day 9 month a year. That's ordering and picking up around 140 chocolate milk and about 12 dozen cookies and slogging that all into the school. Remember The Boy was 2 at the time. I did it in snow storms, pouring rains, heat, whatever. Never missed one. That's around 12,000 cookies, 14,000 chocolate milk. Did I include the yogurt and juice? Nope.
I have helped to serve my community in many facets, distributing and sorting lost and found at school (brutal job) but someone had to. Driving all the left overs to charity with Walt helping me.
I have been on how many field trips, volunteered how many hours in classrooms, swept and washed how many floors and desks, counters and stoves.
Held families in their times of loss and tragedy just like they did us in our time of loss and fear
I have prayed for our childrens schools for 15 years. 10 months a year each week. I have either held or attended in another's home for prayer. That's 40 x 15 - 600 hours plus of prayer. Just at that time. Never mind when I wasn't there praying but everywhere else.
I have helped my family through the accident Eldest had, I have healed my own sexual abuse and addictions, I have held my friends when they lost their husbands, or took meals for people who were dieing.
I have organized how many teas for how many hundreds of people who were grieving their losses, just like I was.
I have helped my in-laws to have my father in law die at home. The list is so long I can't even begin on that one. Just to say that that was one of the toughest things I have ever done in my life.
I have re-educated myself taking several courses and facing several fears (big ones!) all at the same time, while my father in law was dieing and I was repainting the main floor of the house.
Oh, I have painted, repaired, or redone every room in our house. Including insulation, drywall, vapor barrier, etc.
I have cooked meals for how many people day in and day out for how long. Probably around 5000 meals plus, and thats just dinners.
I have planned parties, wrapped gifts, made gifts, bought trees to decorate.
I have planted and had re-plant (when strata dug it up) how man gardens?
I have striven to become the best person I could be. I have read books, self evaluated, received counsel and guidance and persevered to become the person God created me to be.
I have read for 13 years how many story books at bed time, how many trips to the library, grocery store, dept store, sporting good store.
I have lived on baseball fields, rugby fields for the past 8 years.
I have logged more miles driving my children to sports, cheer leading or whatever else was going on.
I have cried more tears, and quelled more fears (my own, my children and others)
I have counseled my own friends in their times of need, be it their children driving them insane, or their husbands beating them.
I have lived and loved and prayed for my husband and each of my children, my in laws, my mother, my father, and each of my sisters, their partners, their children and their children's children. My friends and my enemies. For total strangers.
I have thanked God for each day and all that has happened in it.
I have had to learn about my ego, and how it gets me into trouble.
I have learned to belly dance, and mountain bike, I have learned to weight train, teach aerobics and step and deal with seniors, and teach all these things.
I have held my children in their sad moments, or balanced lego box lids of vomit when they were too little to make it to the bathroom.
I have sat in how many hospitals, for how many awful experiences, either with my own children or my friends, or my in-laws while they were told there was nothing left for the dr.s to do. My father in law was given a death sentence.
I have washed and dressed my father in law while he was dieing and had the privilege to do so after he passed.
I have helped my husband through 2 shoulder surgeries and get ready to support him through ankle surgery and 6 weeks on crutches and 6 months of rehab. It's his right foot so he can't even drive. SIGH
I have taken how many trips to: the bank, the video store, and the yarn shop.
I have knit 3 sweaters and 1 vest in the past 3 years. I have knit clothes, scarves, and now I am learning to knit socks.
I have administered baseball teams, PACS, oh ya, I chaired, vice chaired and past chaired the PAC for how many years?
I have sat through (I mean enjoyed) how many band concerts, recitals, plays, or whatever else there was.
The list could could go on.
I have lived to this point and done so very much. I am so grateful that I could write this all down. Because its important for someone like me to look at my achievements and really see and claim them. I look at myself often and see someone who is fat lazy and ugly. A good for nothing. Old tapes that were put there by another persons insanity.
I am writing this list and what I see is someone who has lived each day to the fullest that she could. I have rested lots and lived lots and loved lots. I have been sad lots and had much loss.
I would not trade one day for another. Except for Eldest's accident, and the day Dad died. Each day has been there and created me to be the person I am.
I had the most amazing walk this morning. Early when the forest was fresh and cool and oh so green. No one else but me. I had a secret delight being in the forest by myself. I had to allow myself to be there with the potential outcome of bears and cougars, I hooted every so often, either so they would know I was there and run away, or they would know where I was and have breakfast.
The delight of the morning climbing through the ravine, moving my body, and allowing my mind to just be.
Absolute delight and happiness. Sitting on a boulder with the water rushing around me and filling my head and soul with the sound or the running water. Washing away the silt in me.
I came out of the bush a changed person from who went in. Just in an hour I became new.
I love my body, I love my mind, I love who I am. I am beginning to learn who I am and who I am not. What I stand for and what I will not allow around me.
For all that I have listed above of the things I have done, I am happiest when I am sitting knitting, being in my home with my family, maybe watching a movie, reading or blogging, having a nibble, or being in the garden.
I love my family and our time together.
This time is so transient and I shall miss them as they move into their own journeys. I am blessed beyond and above and I thank God for each blessing he has bestowed upon me.
What shall Eldest do now, as she goes into her new coal house at the end of the garden and 4th year university? What shall Clever Girl do now that she has completed Grade 12 and goes into the world. What shall The Boy do as he goes into Grade 8 and his new life as a teenager (OMG) in the fall. What shall Husband do with surgery in less than a month. What shall I do with my life? What shall I do with my husband our life together?
To be continued . . . .
I'm sleepy from a second day on the ball field with The Boy. Not that I was playing but, holding down and bench and cheering is hard work. Eating cookies is too! Probably the real reason why I am sleepy!
Again, digressing.
Lots to think about. Clever Girl has just graduated and looking at her and the changes she is about to make. She may be moving and I am very sad about that. Happy too, but sad, she is one of my best friends.
Wow, with the digressing.
Changes. Clever Girl graduating, The Boy Graduating from Grade 7. We have been doing a ton of work around that. Its going to be beautiful. Eldest is moving into her first house. Its a tiny converted coal house from the late Victorian era. Its a bachelor house.
All three of my children are having last days of something on the 29th. Last exams, last hour, last day in an old home. With that is the new too. After Grade 12 exams what happens, after the last day of elementary school off to high school. Moving into a new bachelor house what happens.
It made me wonder about what else happens that day, the 29th of June 2011. I no longer am an elementary school parent. After 16 years of my children being in elementary school I am done. Wow. Where did the time go? What happened? It was yesterday Eldest was going to kindergarten, and then Clever Girl, and The Boy really was like yesterday. What shall I do when my children are no longer in elementary school? Who shall I be? My identity is around that, but, I have begun in the last year to allow that to shed and slough too.
I have a child in university. I have a child post high school, unsure of her next steps and traveling on her journey. I have a child about to enter high school. I am no longer responsible for any one in elementary school. It will be very different.
I have some recent events that have happened and comments made that helped me reflect on some achievements. The comments I could have taken one way or another, and when it came I was tired so I took then another way yet. It was good because I began to justify myself a bit, and that in its self is not always good. Anyways, it was good (when I got my intent straight) to look at what I have accomplished in the past 16 years, and longer
I have raised from birth to 20 1/2 years Eldest
I have raised from birth to 17 1/2 years Clever Girl
I have raised from birth to 12 3/4 years The Boy
I have celebrated 25 years of marriage and 30 years of togetherness
I have organized and done approximately 14 years of Brown Bag Lunch. That's 126 lunches give or take for approximately 50 per lunch
I have organized and worked 2 parent dances (that's bands, food, alcohol, decorations (often by myself), several pan cake breakfasts, fun day lunches, teachers lunches, welcoming parents by making a nice tea and such for them year after year.
Walking school bus for 2 years.
Pizza day - this is a biggie - for the past 10 years or so - Pizza day 9 month a year. That's ordering and picking up around 140 chocolate milk and about 12 dozen cookies and slogging that all into the school. Remember The Boy was 2 at the time. I did it in snow storms, pouring rains, heat, whatever. Never missed one. That's around 12,000 cookies, 14,000 chocolate milk. Did I include the yogurt and juice? Nope.
I have helped to serve my community in many facets, distributing and sorting lost and found at school (brutal job) but someone had to. Driving all the left overs to charity with Walt helping me.
I have been on how many field trips, volunteered how many hours in classrooms, swept and washed how many floors and desks, counters and stoves.
Held families in their times of loss and tragedy just like they did us in our time of loss and fear
I have prayed for our childrens schools for 15 years. 10 months a year each week. I have either held or attended in another's home for prayer. That's 40 x 15 - 600 hours plus of prayer. Just at that time. Never mind when I wasn't there praying but everywhere else.
I have helped my family through the accident Eldest had, I have healed my own sexual abuse and addictions, I have held my friends when they lost their husbands, or took meals for people who were dieing.
I have organized how many teas for how many hundreds of people who were grieving their losses, just like I was.
I have helped my in-laws to have my father in law die at home. The list is so long I can't even begin on that one. Just to say that that was one of the toughest things I have ever done in my life.
I have re-educated myself taking several courses and facing several fears (big ones!) all at the same time, while my father in law was dieing and I was repainting the main floor of the house.
Oh, I have painted, repaired, or redone every room in our house. Including insulation, drywall, vapor barrier, etc.
I have cooked meals for how many people day in and day out for how long. Probably around 5000 meals plus, and thats just dinners.
I have planned parties, wrapped gifts, made gifts, bought trees to decorate.
I have planted and had re-plant (when strata dug it up) how man gardens?
I have striven to become the best person I could be. I have read books, self evaluated, received counsel and guidance and persevered to become the person God created me to be.
I have read for 13 years how many story books at bed time, how many trips to the library, grocery store, dept store, sporting good store.
I have lived on baseball fields, rugby fields for the past 8 years.
I have logged more miles driving my children to sports, cheer leading or whatever else was going on.
I have cried more tears, and quelled more fears (my own, my children and others)
I have counseled my own friends in their times of need, be it their children driving them insane, or their husbands beating them.
I have lived and loved and prayed for my husband and each of my children, my in laws, my mother, my father, and each of my sisters, their partners, their children and their children's children. My friends and my enemies. For total strangers.
I have thanked God for each day and all that has happened in it.
I have had to learn about my ego, and how it gets me into trouble.
I have learned to belly dance, and mountain bike, I have learned to weight train, teach aerobics and step and deal with seniors, and teach all these things.
I have held my children in their sad moments, or balanced lego box lids of vomit when they were too little to make it to the bathroom.
I have sat in how many hospitals, for how many awful experiences, either with my own children or my friends, or my in-laws while they were told there was nothing left for the dr.s to do. My father in law was given a death sentence.
I have washed and dressed my father in law while he was dieing and had the privilege to do so after he passed.
I have helped my husband through 2 shoulder surgeries and get ready to support him through ankle surgery and 6 weeks on crutches and 6 months of rehab. It's his right foot so he can't even drive. SIGH
I have taken how many trips to: the bank, the video store, and the yarn shop.
I have knit 3 sweaters and 1 vest in the past 3 years. I have knit clothes, scarves, and now I am learning to knit socks.
I have administered baseball teams, PACS, oh ya, I chaired, vice chaired and past chaired the PAC for how many years?
I have sat through (I mean enjoyed) how many band concerts, recitals, plays, or whatever else there was.
The list could could go on.
I have lived to this point and done so very much. I am so grateful that I could write this all down. Because its important for someone like me to look at my achievements and really see and claim them. I look at myself often and see someone who is fat lazy and ugly. A good for nothing. Old tapes that were put there by another persons insanity.
I am writing this list and what I see is someone who has lived each day to the fullest that she could. I have rested lots and lived lots and loved lots. I have been sad lots and had much loss.
I would not trade one day for another. Except for Eldest's accident, and the day Dad died. Each day has been there and created me to be the person I am.
I had the most amazing walk this morning. Early when the forest was fresh and cool and oh so green. No one else but me. I had a secret delight being in the forest by myself. I had to allow myself to be there with the potential outcome of bears and cougars, I hooted every so often, either so they would know I was there and run away, or they would know where I was and have breakfast.
The delight of the morning climbing through the ravine, moving my body, and allowing my mind to just be.
Absolute delight and happiness. Sitting on a boulder with the water rushing around me and filling my head and soul with the sound or the running water. Washing away the silt in me.
I came out of the bush a changed person from who went in. Just in an hour I became new.
I love my body, I love my mind, I love who I am. I am beginning to learn who I am and who I am not. What I stand for and what I will not allow around me.
For all that I have listed above of the things I have done, I am happiest when I am sitting knitting, being in my home with my family, maybe watching a movie, reading or blogging, having a nibble, or being in the garden.
I love my family and our time together.
This time is so transient and I shall miss them as they move into their own journeys. I am blessed beyond and above and I thank God for each blessing he has bestowed upon me.
What shall Eldest do now, as she goes into her new coal house at the end of the garden and 4th year university? What shall Clever Girl do now that she has completed Grade 12 and goes into the world. What shall The Boy do as he goes into Grade 8 and his new life as a teenager (OMG) in the fall. What shall Husband do with surgery in less than a month. What shall I do with my life? What shall I do with my husband our life together?
To be continued . . . .
Thursday, June 23, 2011
When you think it . . . then it comes
I have been thinking of a movie for months and months, its an older one, and it takes place in Ireland. I have searched and searched. Its a romantic comedy, light and fun. Anyways, I am speaking with a teacher today and she mentions a movie, and I ask "does it take place in Ireland". Yup. The Matchmaker. Now I started watching in on "the Youtubes" and lo and behold, there it is! Cool. I started watching it. Too late, just had to blog that I found it. I think its the one. I remember there is part where there are fields of the most amazing green and a funky old pub. Must be one of those in every Irish movie. Love it!
Its been a long week, 2 weeks, month, 2 months. If more could fill it up I would be surprised. Careful what you say!
God is in hand with everything. I am so grateful, and filled up with all the wonders around me.
I had an anatomy professor and a respitory dr. (surgeon too I think) to ask questions and pick brains. All the anatomy I studied (which in reality is not much) and I cannot remember but the basics. Need a refresher course! Seems I forgot how to breath properly along the way too. Expand on the exhale, and I know that, just forgot somehow! Yikes. Inspiration and expiration. Draw the lungs up and spread them back out to drop the diaphragm. Why the hell is there a "g" in diaphragm?
Eldest has rented herself a new home. She is moving into a redone coal shed in the back of a Victorian house from the 1880's in Vic. Its a coal shed (bachelor sized) at the end of the garden. The fellow who is moving out of there and into the basement suite of the main house with his partner, has said they are moving in together and getting a "Kat". Ha Ha! Does that make me "the Kat's mother?!"
Had lunch with Grace today. In amongst the business of the day it was a lovely break, with a beautiful person.
So much has happened today it doesn't feel like hours ago it feels like days ago.
2 ball tournaments with the Boy this weekend. Bring the socks along
Cruising through the great websites with raw food my Gal Pal sent me. Saw Jam at work today, always love spending time with her.
Hmmm . . what else.
Grace, love and forgiveness. Love, Love, Love all we need is love.
Its been a long week, 2 weeks, month, 2 months. If more could fill it up I would be surprised. Careful what you say!
God is in hand with everything. I am so grateful, and filled up with all the wonders around me.
I had an anatomy professor and a respitory dr. (surgeon too I think) to ask questions and pick brains. All the anatomy I studied (which in reality is not much) and I cannot remember but the basics. Need a refresher course! Seems I forgot how to breath properly along the way too. Expand on the exhale, and I know that, just forgot somehow! Yikes. Inspiration and expiration. Draw the lungs up and spread them back out to drop the diaphragm. Why the hell is there a "g" in diaphragm?
Eldest has rented herself a new home. She is moving into a redone coal shed in the back of a Victorian house from the 1880's in Vic. Its a coal shed (bachelor sized) at the end of the garden. The fellow who is moving out of there and into the basement suite of the main house with his partner, has said they are moving in together and getting a "Kat". Ha Ha! Does that make me "the Kat's mother?!"
Had lunch with Grace today. In amongst the business of the day it was a lovely break, with a beautiful person.
So much has happened today it doesn't feel like hours ago it feels like days ago.
2 ball tournaments with the Boy this weekend. Bring the socks along
Cruising through the great websites with raw food my Gal Pal sent me. Saw Jam at work today, always love spending time with her.
Hmmm . . what else.
Grace, love and forgiveness. Love, Love, Love all we need is love.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
What's there to say?
A neighbor walked by the other night, we all smiled and nodded, "great day the sun is shining, and there are no fires burning." Too true.
So much to see and watch these days in our city. Grief watching all the violence, and outrage. They profound gratitude and hope and melancholy see the police cruisers covered in post-it notes and flowers. Notes of gratitude and honor.
I asked and prayed for God to not allow the riots. I walked and walked all during the last part of the second period and right until the end of the game. Outside fully present in the beautiful evening. I prayed for no riots, I prayed for Grace. I prayed for safety. I asked God afterward "what happened?" My sense is that these people were totally possessed and it got swept up, and maybe the end result is their behavior which is always there is now there for the world to see, and their families, and somehow it will help them in their lives in the end. Seeing a community a huge community come out and so strongly support and express their sadness and outrage and gratitude for the Canucks and the emergency crews totally wipes out and eradicates what those people did. Maybe just maybe these people will have a change of heart, now that they have seen this.
Be the change.
I met with a friend I haven't seen in a very long time, and we talked about the places she is at and the changes she has had in her life through prayer. She's on fire, and it was great to hear her stories of God's absolute presence in her life, and the lives of those around her. It is a privilege to be in a place of witnessing and to be able to share it affirms our own and visa versa.
Its funny I just glanced down having done a spell check briefly and this program auto saves. It went from a blue rectangle "save now" to a grey one "SAVED". The word saved just jumped out at me. Saved.
These people have a profound opportunity to be saved, the ones who's violence and destruction was so appalling. Please pray for each one of them. Its so easy to feel the rage inside of our own bodies when we watch the destruction and to want to lash out in the same way, to want to hurt and punish them for what they have done. That begins to get us into their nightmare. Stop and pray. Breath deep "and know I am God".
Pray for a revival, that is what Jan is doing, she is praying for a revival.
Love and more love
So much to see and watch these days in our city. Grief watching all the violence, and outrage. They profound gratitude and hope and melancholy see the police cruisers covered in post-it notes and flowers. Notes of gratitude and honor.
I asked and prayed for God to not allow the riots. I walked and walked all during the last part of the second period and right until the end of the game. Outside fully present in the beautiful evening. I prayed for no riots, I prayed for Grace. I prayed for safety. I asked God afterward "what happened?" My sense is that these people were totally possessed and it got swept up, and maybe the end result is their behavior which is always there is now there for the world to see, and their families, and somehow it will help them in their lives in the end. Seeing a community a huge community come out and so strongly support and express their sadness and outrage and gratitude for the Canucks and the emergency crews totally wipes out and eradicates what those people did. Maybe just maybe these people will have a change of heart, now that they have seen this.
Be the change.
I met with a friend I haven't seen in a very long time, and we talked about the places she is at and the changes she has had in her life through prayer. She's on fire, and it was great to hear her stories of God's absolute presence in her life, and the lives of those around her. It is a privilege to be in a place of witnessing and to be able to share it affirms our own and visa versa.
Its funny I just glanced down having done a spell check briefly and this program auto saves. It went from a blue rectangle "save now" to a grey one "SAVED". The word saved just jumped out at me. Saved.
These people have a profound opportunity to be saved, the ones who's violence and destruction was so appalling. Please pray for each one of them. Its so easy to feel the rage inside of our own bodies when we watch the destruction and to want to lash out in the same way, to want to hurt and punish them for what they have done. That begins to get us into their nightmare. Stop and pray. Breath deep "and know I am God".
Pray for a revival, that is what Jan is doing, she is praying for a revival.
Love and more love
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I am sickened and embarrassed about the riots
What is going on in our world and in our city. Cities and countries are being torn apart by war, military violence, the whole thing. Now we are taking our beautiful city and destroying it because some young men think its okay to behave this way.
I am so saddened and sickened and beyond belief that this is what is happening. Destroying the big screen that is placed there for everyone to have fun and be together, and now we are destroying vehicles and buildings, and each other. The Canucks must be sickened and humiliated and Bruins must be stunned.
How embarrassing and beyond understand. I am ashamed and embarrassed watching this.
Please God please stop this
I am so saddened and sickened and beyond belief that this is what is happening. Destroying the big screen that is placed there for everyone to have fun and be together, and now we are destroying vehicles and buildings, and each other. The Canucks must be sickened and humiliated and Bruins must be stunned.
How embarrassing and beyond understand. I am ashamed and embarrassed watching this.
Please God please stop this
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Writing a Ton Yesterday (interesting i used the word ton)
Every parent knows the difference between rules designed primarily for the benefit of the parent and those designed for the benefit of the child. God’s rules fall into the latter category. As Creator of the human race, God knows how human society will work best.
Other People's Opinions "Favor and disgrace are equally problematic. Favor lifts you up; disgrace knocks you down. Either one depends on the opinions of others, and causes you to depart from your center." - - Tao Te Ching
I woke to these two perfect gems this morning. I wrote last night for an hour and a half, 19 pages. I am going to include the work I wrote last night, just not at this moment. Sleep came very late and I have work, pizza day and a tea to attend.
All great things but they just take time.
So much is stirring in my life, and I am grateful for God's Love, and the Holy Spirit to guide me, and for Jesus who walks in the yoke beside me.
God, please show me the way, give me courage, put all the people in place you want to heal my body with your loving grace.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Needed Inspiration to Post . . . Wow I found it this a.m.
Human Barbie Sarah Burge. Okay. Lets read about this. She gave her 7 year old daughter for her birthday a coupon for 10,000 for a boob job. She has to wait until she is 16. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If she has big boobs then she can have some other work done. Her daughter is so excited because she wants to have big boobs like her mom (fake) "they are so pretty".
There are photos on line of this woman giving her daughter botox injections when she is 15 years old. The daughter has since had more. Her friends tell her that if you have them now you won't look so old when you are 25. WHAT!!!!!!#@$%
There is such insanity in this world. A man who has no face due to an industrial accident and has to have a whole face transplant, just so he can breath and have a life of some sort, and here is a woman with over 800,000.00 in plastic surgery and she's 51 years old. She has botoxed her daughter and given her 7 year old a 10,000 open ended coupon for surgery.
WHAT IS OUR WORLD COMING TO?
God is in the Heavens weeping.
There is a photo online of this woman as a young teen and she is beautiful. Fresh faced young REAL girl. Now she looks so plastic and scary and . .. . . sad. So sad. The girl she was is gone, and dr.s who continue to give this woman surgery are quacks who should have their licenses revoked. Personally these girls have inherited their mothers body dismorphia and should be counseled and removed from her.
I am all for keeping families together, but, that is one that just hit a nerve. It reminds me to be vigilant with my own children. Have I set a good example for my own kids. In some areas yes, in other areas, not so much. This is fuel for me today.
Off to a 15 minute demonstration by me in front of who knows how many people. What was I thinking?!
If she has big boobs then she can have some other work done. Her daughter is so excited because she wants to have big boobs like her mom (fake) "they are so pretty".
There are photos on line of this woman giving her daughter botox injections when she is 15 years old. The daughter has since had more. Her friends tell her that if you have them now you won't look so old when you are 25. WHAT!!!!!!#@$%
There is such insanity in this world. A man who has no face due to an industrial accident and has to have a whole face transplant, just so he can breath and have a life of some sort, and here is a woman with over 800,000.00 in plastic surgery and she's 51 years old. She has botoxed her daughter and given her 7 year old a 10,000 open ended coupon for surgery.
WHAT IS OUR WORLD COMING TO?
God is in the Heavens weeping.
There is a photo online of this woman as a young teen and she is beautiful. Fresh faced young REAL girl. Now she looks so plastic and scary and . .. . . sad. So sad. The girl she was is gone, and dr.s who continue to give this woman surgery are quacks who should have their licenses revoked. Personally these girls have inherited their mothers body dismorphia and should be counseled and removed from her.
I am all for keeping families together, but, that is one that just hit a nerve. It reminds me to be vigilant with my own children. Have I set a good example for my own kids. In some areas yes, in other areas, not so much. This is fuel for me today.
Off to a 15 minute demonstration by me in front of who knows how many people. What was I thinking?!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Saw Grace today . . . . you haven't been blogging she says!
Hmmm . . . what is there to say?
GG has her grad banquet tomorrow night. Her father grew out of his suit and needed to get new clothes, of course he waits until this morning to go do this. He didn't try his suit on until last night. SIGH . . . .
He has been watching and listening to us (or perhaps not) get ready for the past couple of weeks, making sure we have all the things GG needs, including hair cuts and such. Yet, he forgets to check his own clothes.
Its either jeans, sweats, or shorts. No dress pants. To be honest there is not a huge requirement for them in his life. But, he's 53 years old and should have new clothes that fit and look nice. Adult.
I am learning about my Sits bones and how uneven they feel. Like one side is way heavier or "deeper" into the chair. I was looking up the Sits bones and realizing that we really can ground ourselves with the sit bone.
I know what does this all mean? It means I am trying to heal my body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tight hamstrings, sore knees, really what does it take? GOD SEND ME SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!
I love the books I am reading these days. Completely out of the norm, anything by Susan Addison Allen, she's awesome. She really understands relationships with ourselves and our families (mothers in particular!)
There is really so much going on in my hear its kind of hard to get it all down on paper, or key pad as it maybe.
I just continue to grown and learn. Become the Child of God I hope to be.
Love and Light and A Lighter Sky
GG has her grad banquet tomorrow night. Her father grew out of his suit and needed to get new clothes, of course he waits until this morning to go do this. He didn't try his suit on until last night. SIGH . . . .
He has been watching and listening to us (or perhaps not) get ready for the past couple of weeks, making sure we have all the things GG needs, including hair cuts and such. Yet, he forgets to check his own clothes.
Its either jeans, sweats, or shorts. No dress pants. To be honest there is not a huge requirement for them in his life. But, he's 53 years old and should have new clothes that fit and look nice. Adult.
I am learning about my Sits bones and how uneven they feel. Like one side is way heavier or "deeper" into the chair. I was looking up the Sits bones and realizing that we really can ground ourselves with the sit bone.
I know what does this all mean? It means I am trying to heal my body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tight hamstrings, sore knees, really what does it take? GOD SEND ME SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!
I love the books I am reading these days. Completely out of the norm, anything by Susan Addison Allen, she's awesome. She really understands relationships with ourselves and our families (mothers in particular!)
There is really so much going on in my hear its kind of hard to get it all down on paper, or key pad as it maybe.
I just continue to grown and learn. Become the Child of God I hope to be.
Love and Light and A Lighter Sky
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Biology of Belief - Bruce Lipton PhD
I have to say its a bit slow reading in some spots. Only because I don't necessarily "get" the meat of the matter.
However, I do get that our cells are governed by our environment, or our perception of environment. Limbic system, cells, proteins. This book is quite something and relates to Quantum Mechanics as well.
I am looking to see how our brains work our bodies. I like to understand how my body works and my brain and why.
Derek Sivers is a blogger and musician and business man and he recently posted on the concept of learning.
"I'm addicted to learning. Trying to figure out the ways of the world. Trying to understand how other people think, how I think, and how to bridge the gap.
They say there are a few stages of learning:
1. unconscious incompetence
2. conscious incompetence (<-- me)
3. conscious competence
4. unconscious competence
This past year I've been mostly publicly silent because I hit stage #2. I'm overwhelmed with how much I don't know. I feel like a novice at everything. This is daunting but good." Derek Sivers
He then went on to ask if anyone would like to ask him one questions. Noting that he realized that he was leaving himself wide open.
I pondered a question and shipped it off. Will be interesting to see if he posts it.
"What is your personal intent behind seeking knowledge/learning?"
Because I know some of mine. What about you? What is your reasons for learning. Mine are often based in my lack of self esteem. I want to show or prove that I can do things, so I strive for perfection. If I learn enough I could be perfect. I am starting to realize that that is based on misinformation.
"Endowed with the ability to be self-reflective, the self-conscious mind is extremely powerful. It can observe any programmed behavior we are engaged in, evaluate the behavior, and consciously decide to change the program. We can actively choose how to respond to most environmental signals and whether we even want to respond at all. The conscious mind's capacity to override the subconscious mind's pre-programmed behaviors is the foundation of free will.
However, our special gift comes with a special pitfall. While almost all organisms have to actually experience the stimuli of life first-hand, the human brain's ability to "learn" perceptions is so advanced that we can actually acquire perceptions indirectly from teachers. Once we accept the perceptions of others as "truths", their perceptions become hardwired into our own brains, becoming our "truths." Here's where the problem arises: what if our teacher's perceptions are inaccurate? In such cases, our brains are then down-loaded with misperceptions. The subconscious mind is strictly a stimulus-response playback device; there is no "ghost" in that part of the "machine" to ponder the long-term consequences of the programs we engage. The subconscious works only in the "now." Consequently, programmed misperceptions in our subconscious mind are not "monitored" and will habitually engage us in inappropriate and limiting behaviours.
The Biology of Belief - Bruce H. Lipton -PhD
"At the same time that I was studying the mechanics of the cell's brain and gaining insight into the operation of the human brain, Candace Pert was studying the human brain and becom ing aware of the mechanics of hte cell's brain. In Molecules of Emotion, Per revealed how her stud of information-processing receptors on nerve cell membranes led her to discover that the same "neural" receptors were present on most, if not all, of the body's cells. Her elegant experiments established that the "mind" was not focused int he head but was distributed via signal molecules to the whole body. As importantly, her owrk emphasized that hte emotions were not only derived through a feedback of the body's environment information. Through self-consciousness, the mind can used hte brain to generate "molecules of emotion" and override the system. While proper use of consciouses can bring health to an ailing body, inappropriate unconscious control of emotions can easily make a healthy body diseased, at topic I will expand upon in Chapters 6 and 7. Molecules of Emotion is a very insightful book describing the scientific discovery process." The Biology of Belief - Lipton PhD.
I am still processing all of this. I think I look at these things and try to seek a magic bullet that will show me the error of my ways. There must be something here to explain why I am the loser I am. Why I cannot seem to make the changes necessary in my body and brain to be healthy and happy, to have financial security.
To create the very life I say I want and truly I do want it. However my self concept based on another lies, "programming" is the very thing that is stopping me. The two don't go together.
Again, not mother bashing here, just stating! The repeated rants of how awful I was, fat, ugly, loser, unable to manage anything. I was a terrible selfish person who could not manage her way through anything. These rants would last for long periods of time and be repeated frequently. As I have blogged before, a friend was witness to one, and asked me why I "took" it. My head hanging, silent huge tears of shame dropping, my long hair hanging down to hide my shame and ugliness. I am basing my perception of who I am today based on my mother's insanity. Who does that to their child? I am sitting here crying with huge tears of burning shame running down my face. No wonder I stay stuck in the fat. She never ever wanted me to succeed or be more beautiful or successful than her. I know this, I have realized this so very long ago, however, HOW DO I LET GO? How do I re-program? I think its a matter of just getting out and "doing" it. I am sorry for my mother and saddened. She had so many talents and gifts and when she was in her right mind she really was lovely. She just wasn't there often. Never a child's birthday party. Ever. The one party she did have for me was so formal and uncomfortable I couldn't even eat. I was staying with my sister and she took me to the house for it. Sister planned the whole thing. Bless you sister. On Thursday this week we had our last Brown Bag Lunch and after 16 years of doing this, I was presented with the most beautiful cake and planter and card signed with well wishes and sang "for she's a jolly good fellow" it was LOVELY. And I relished it. It was uncomfortable in the beginning but I stuck with it. How insane is that? Being feted and being uncomfortable. Insane. I have the right to love, light and happiness, to healthy and bounty. I have the right to be surrounded by my friends and family and not isolated away because I am sick and fat and ugly and might make others around me uncomfortable. My mother was a mind F***!
So, just go do. Push past the lies and breath. Love the life I have. Which truly I do.
More to come as I get to chapters 6 and 7.
Love and Light, and all that Sunshine!
However, I do get that our cells are governed by our environment, or our perception of environment. Limbic system, cells, proteins. This book is quite something and relates to Quantum Mechanics as well.
I am looking to see how our brains work our bodies. I like to understand how my body works and my brain and why.
Derek Sivers is a blogger and musician and business man and he recently posted on the concept of learning.
"I'm addicted to learning. Trying to figure out the ways of the world. Trying to understand how other people think, how I think, and how to bridge the gap.
They say there are a few stages of learning:
1. unconscious incompetence
2. conscious incompetence (<-- me)
3. conscious competence
4. unconscious competence
This past year I've been mostly publicly silent because I hit stage #2. I'm overwhelmed with how much I don't know. I feel like a novice at everything. This is daunting but good." Derek Sivers
He then went on to ask if anyone would like to ask him one questions. Noting that he realized that he was leaving himself wide open.
I pondered a question and shipped it off. Will be interesting to see if he posts it.
"What is your personal intent behind seeking knowledge/learning?"
Because I know some of mine. What about you? What is your reasons for learning. Mine are often based in my lack of self esteem. I want to show or prove that I can do things, so I strive for perfection. If I learn enough I could be perfect. I am starting to realize that that is based on misinformation.
"Endowed with the ability to be self-reflective, the self-conscious mind is extremely powerful. It can observe any programmed behavior we are engaged in, evaluate the behavior, and consciously decide to change the program. We can actively choose how to respond to most environmental signals and whether we even want to respond at all. The conscious mind's capacity to override the subconscious mind's pre-programmed behaviors is the foundation of free will.
However, our special gift comes with a special pitfall. While almost all organisms have to actually experience the stimuli of life first-hand, the human brain's ability to "learn" perceptions is so advanced that we can actually acquire perceptions indirectly from teachers. Once we accept the perceptions of others as "truths", their perceptions become hardwired into our own brains, becoming our "truths." Here's where the problem arises: what if our teacher's perceptions are inaccurate? In such cases, our brains are then down-loaded with misperceptions. The subconscious mind is strictly a stimulus-response playback device; there is no "ghost" in that part of the "machine" to ponder the long-term consequences of the programs we engage. The subconscious works only in the "now." Consequently, programmed misperceptions in our subconscious mind are not "monitored" and will habitually engage us in inappropriate and limiting behaviours.
The Biology of Belief - Bruce H. Lipton -PhD
"At the same time that I was studying the mechanics of the cell's brain and gaining insight into the operation of the human brain, Candace Pert was studying the human brain and becom ing aware of the mechanics of hte cell's brain. In Molecules of Emotion, Per revealed how her stud of information-processing receptors on nerve cell membranes led her to discover that the same "neural" receptors were present on most, if not all, of the body's cells. Her elegant experiments established that the "mind" was not focused int he head but was distributed via signal molecules to the whole body. As importantly, her owrk emphasized that hte emotions were not only derived through a feedback of the body's environment information. Through self-consciousness, the mind can used hte brain to generate "molecules of emotion" and override the system. While proper use of consciouses can bring health to an ailing body, inappropriate unconscious control of emotions can easily make a healthy body diseased, at topic I will expand upon in Chapters 6 and 7. Molecules of Emotion is a very insightful book describing the scientific discovery process." The Biology of Belief - Lipton PhD.
I am still processing all of this. I think I look at these things and try to seek a magic bullet that will show me the error of my ways. There must be something here to explain why I am the loser I am. Why I cannot seem to make the changes necessary in my body and brain to be healthy and happy, to have financial security.
To create the very life I say I want and truly I do want it. However my self concept based on another lies, "programming" is the very thing that is stopping me. The two don't go together.
Again, not mother bashing here, just stating! The repeated rants of how awful I was, fat, ugly, loser, unable to manage anything. I was a terrible selfish person who could not manage her way through anything. These rants would last for long periods of time and be repeated frequently. As I have blogged before, a friend was witness to one, and asked me why I "took" it. My head hanging, silent huge tears of shame dropping, my long hair hanging down to hide my shame and ugliness. I am basing my perception of who I am today based on my mother's insanity. Who does that to their child? I am sitting here crying with huge tears of burning shame running down my face. No wonder I stay stuck in the fat. She never ever wanted me to succeed or be more beautiful or successful than her. I know this, I have realized this so very long ago, however, HOW DO I LET GO? How do I re-program? I think its a matter of just getting out and "doing" it. I am sorry for my mother and saddened. She had so many talents and gifts and when she was in her right mind she really was lovely. She just wasn't there often. Never a child's birthday party. Ever. The one party she did have for me was so formal and uncomfortable I couldn't even eat. I was staying with my sister and she took me to the house for it. Sister planned the whole thing. Bless you sister. On Thursday this week we had our last Brown Bag Lunch and after 16 years of doing this, I was presented with the most beautiful cake and planter and card signed with well wishes and sang "for she's a jolly good fellow" it was LOVELY. And I relished it. It was uncomfortable in the beginning but I stuck with it. How insane is that? Being feted and being uncomfortable. Insane. I have the right to love, light and happiness, to healthy and bounty. I have the right to be surrounded by my friends and family and not isolated away because I am sick and fat and ugly and might make others around me uncomfortable. My mother was a mind F***!
So, just go do. Push past the lies and breath. Love the life I have. Which truly I do.
More to come as I get to chapters 6 and 7.
Love and Light, and all that Sunshine!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Conversations with Bunny or The Past Present and Future
Two days ago it was tea and a beam of sun. Its raining and the clouds are back down to the ground, still have my tea though! : )
Had a phenomenal phone conversation with Bunny yesterday. She's awesome! She's working through her stuff figuring out life and living loving and laughing along the way. I love her!
We spoke of so many things (2 hours worth) Husband's comment "how many batteries have you gone through"
(gee that could go a couple of different ways couldn't it?)
Anyways, we were talking about sabotaging ourselves and what that multi-faceted little gem looks like from day to day. Depending on whats going on, where our head is, remember is multi-facted. Her sabo was the day before and we were speaking of where she was and who she was with and the experience they were having. Which was lovely by the way. Her mind started to travel and she went from her place of beauty with her companion to kids, money, errands, and then worries about money, kids and errands. Not fair!
So I explained Eckert Tolle as I understand about the ego, I am not even going to give it a big E, however, that's my ego too. The ego loves to self perpetuate itself in these journeys of worry, fret, turmoil. It goes to the past and forward to the future pacing back and forth. However, it cannot live in the present. As I was explaining my understanding of this (simplified here, Eckert has it down pat) I truly realized:
If I live in the Present the ego cannot be present, the ego exists only in the past and the future, and there is no past and future there is only the Present.
LOVE IT!
Live in the Present, be in the Present, we are the Present, it is the only thing that exists is the moment. There is no past and there is no future. Yes, we do have our ego based past and future, and yes we do have the future to plan for, however, the day to day living is the Present. Treat it like a present, admire the wrapping paper and bow, look at the card it came with, savor the tape coming off, or maybe you are a ripper, and just enjoy the present.
My day is rainy and grey skied again, however, I have a lap top and I can blog and friends do want to read it.
I have friends and loved ones, I have my tea, my health and the Love of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
I have my husband who loves me and my children, beautiful wool to knit, and a great community to be in.
Boy's team won their first play off tournament last night and get to play on. The Canucks won, I am so happy for my husband. I have medication for my sore knee, and pray it will work and I won't have an allergic reaction. I have a medical plan, and dr.'s to access, gas in my car, food a plenty. Brent is on Work Safe and we are blessed for that as we wait for his surgery. We are blessed.
We live in the Present.
PS I went back to reread the post noticing how I wrote "we are the Present", and truly "We are the Present", we are the gift the being the thing that is the Present. We physically cannot live in the past or future, we can only BE in the Present, literally. Also, as humans and children of God we are the Present, so treat our selves with care. Even now the ego is saying are you brave enough to post this - what do you know - is it just your ego talking? The ego is really interesting when you realize what it is. I believe God is speaking and not in the Waco way by the way, but, in just what is my truth for me today.
Had a phenomenal phone conversation with Bunny yesterday. She's awesome! She's working through her stuff figuring out life and living loving and laughing along the way. I love her!
We spoke of so many things (2 hours worth) Husband's comment "how many batteries have you gone through"
(gee that could go a couple of different ways couldn't it?)
Anyways, we were talking about sabotaging ourselves and what that multi-faceted little gem looks like from day to day. Depending on whats going on, where our head is, remember is multi-facted. Her sabo was the day before and we were speaking of where she was and who she was with and the experience they were having. Which was lovely by the way. Her mind started to travel and she went from her place of beauty with her companion to kids, money, errands, and then worries about money, kids and errands. Not fair!
So I explained Eckert Tolle as I understand about the ego, I am not even going to give it a big E, however, that's my ego too. The ego loves to self perpetuate itself in these journeys of worry, fret, turmoil. It goes to the past and forward to the future pacing back and forth. However, it cannot live in the present. As I was explaining my understanding of this (simplified here, Eckert has it down pat) I truly realized:
If I live in the Present the ego cannot be present, the ego exists only in the past and the future, and there is no past and future there is only the Present.
LOVE IT!
Live in the Present, be in the Present, we are the Present, it is the only thing that exists is the moment. There is no past and there is no future. Yes, we do have our ego based past and future, and yes we do have the future to plan for, however, the day to day living is the Present. Treat it like a present, admire the wrapping paper and bow, look at the card it came with, savor the tape coming off, or maybe you are a ripper, and just enjoy the present.
My day is rainy and grey skied again, however, I have a lap top and I can blog and friends do want to read it.
I have friends and loved ones, I have my tea, my health and the Love of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
I have my husband who loves me and my children, beautiful wool to knit, and a great community to be in.
Boy's team won their first play off tournament last night and get to play on. The Canucks won, I am so happy for my husband. I have medication for my sore knee, and pray it will work and I won't have an allergic reaction. I have a medical plan, and dr.'s to access, gas in my car, food a plenty. Brent is on Work Safe and we are blessed for that as we wait for his surgery. We are blessed.
We live in the Present.
PS I went back to reread the post noticing how I wrote "we are the Present", and truly "We are the Present", we are the gift the being the thing that is the Present. We physically cannot live in the past or future, we can only BE in the Present, literally. Also, as humans and children of God we are the Present, so treat our selves with care. Even now the ego is saying are you brave enough to post this - what do you know - is it just your ego talking? The ego is really interesting when you realize what it is. I believe God is speaking and not in the Waco way by the way, but, in just what is my truth for me today.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Pockets of Spontaneous Laughter
A beam of sunlight is on me at this very moment. A cup of tea steeping, the slight buzz of Husbands computer, the gurgle of the coffee pot, I wish I liked coffee because it smells so lovely. The gentle rhythms of morning.
I had the most amazing experience last night. I went to my Feldenkrais instructor (FI) and when she finished working on my body, and in particular around my knee I started to smile and then burst into laughter. It was amazing. The biggest happiest joy filled, absolutely delighted laughter. I have had that one other time in a group situation with a soul coach and it was about moving about easily in my mind. I had placed myself in certain spots as she described and then I started to laugh in delight. I stopped myself in the group because it felt odd,however, I was able to stay with it last night. She started to laugh with me. It was great. I could not help myself. I do have moments when I practice Feldenkrais that I start to smile without knowing why. It is a sense in my body of "ah ha" this is where we want to be, a connectedness.
So, what I realized is this: we know we can tap into pockets of sadness and despair pretty damn quickly. Well,I am here to tell you that there are pockets of laughter, joy and delight. SO GO OUT AND FIND THEM PEOPLE, OR JUST SIMPLY TUNE INTO THE BODY AND ALLOW THEM! What fun!
Please pray for my knee, and Walt's knee and Brent's ankle surgery. Yeeeesh.
I had the most amazing experience last night. I went to my Feldenkrais instructor (FI) and when she finished working on my body, and in particular around my knee I started to smile and then burst into laughter. It was amazing. The biggest happiest joy filled, absolutely delighted laughter. I have had that one other time in a group situation with a soul coach and it was about moving about easily in my mind. I had placed myself in certain spots as she described and then I started to laugh in delight. I stopped myself in the group because it felt odd,however, I was able to stay with it last night. She started to laugh with me. It was great. I could not help myself. I do have moments when I practice Feldenkrais that I start to smile without knowing why. It is a sense in my body of "ah ha" this is where we want to be, a connectedness.
So, what I realized is this: we know we can tap into pockets of sadness and despair pretty damn quickly. Well,I am here to tell you that there are pockets of laughter, joy and delight. SO GO OUT AND FIND THEM PEOPLE, OR JUST SIMPLY TUNE INTO THE BODY AND ALLOW THEM! What fun!
Please pray for my knee, and Walt's knee and Brent's ankle surgery. Yeeeesh.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Well . . . . . . .
Not sure what to blog. Grace reminded me yesterday that I hadn't blogged of late. Been busy with Eldest home from her trip cross Canada. Working, enjoying some sunshine! Gorgeous days of sunshine. Just one or two at a time, but, I'll take them. Hard to believe it was hot and sunny yesterday, and rainy today. What?!
I tweaked my knee at work on Friday, and then did the same knee on the outside of it on Saturday, and now I am having a bit of a time with it, and trying not to freak out. How tight can hamstrings be and is that contributing to the knee, oh ya. Off to see my Feldenkrais instructor who is a physio tonight. Of course I am quietly freaking out on the inside and eating refined carbs yesterday, to achieve a nice carb coma to "feel" better. When in fact that only makes us feel worse and puts on weight and builds inflammation anyways. But I have caught myself and I am going to enjoy a blueberry, bluegreen algea, bee pollen, almond, hemp protein smoothie for breakfast. That will fix it!
Husband has to have surgery. We just found out on Wednesday. I think that is in the back of my mind as well. 6 weeks on crutches, 3 to 5 month recovery, and we don't know when the surgery is going to be even. We are beyond blessed that he is receiving Worker's Comp. Thank you God! However, its still tough and not as much as he would have earned, so it's time to be very very careful.
I just pray that we are all open to receive and grow and learn and become.
I have my last Brown Bag Lunch with the seniors this week and that is on my mind after 16 years. I am so glad to be "graduating" out of our children' s school, and I am saddened as well. Its time for new experiences, and new opportunities. To allow someone else to have the experience as well.
I shall sign off for now.
I tweaked my knee at work on Friday, and then did the same knee on the outside of it on Saturday, and now I am having a bit of a time with it, and trying not to freak out. How tight can hamstrings be and is that contributing to the knee, oh ya. Off to see my Feldenkrais instructor who is a physio tonight. Of course I am quietly freaking out on the inside and eating refined carbs yesterday, to achieve a nice carb coma to "feel" better. When in fact that only makes us feel worse and puts on weight and builds inflammation anyways. But I have caught myself and I am going to enjoy a blueberry, bluegreen algea, bee pollen, almond, hemp protein smoothie for breakfast. That will fix it!
Husband has to have surgery. We just found out on Wednesday. I think that is in the back of my mind as well. 6 weeks on crutches, 3 to 5 month recovery, and we don't know when the surgery is going to be even. We are beyond blessed that he is receiving Worker's Comp. Thank you God! However, its still tough and not as much as he would have earned, so it's time to be very very careful.
I just pray that we are all open to receive and grow and learn and become.
I have my last Brown Bag Lunch with the seniors this week and that is on my mind after 16 years. I am so glad to be "graduating" out of our children' s school, and I am saddened as well. Its time for new experiences, and new opportunities. To allow someone else to have the experience as well.
I shall sign off for now.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Oprah and "Until we meet again"
Wow, it has been a roller coaster ride the past few weeks. Its good that I have this blog it is helping me sort through stuff.
I am saddened to see the horrible storms in the States. The tornado's are amazing to watch and yet cause so so much devastation and loss. Blessings to those who live there and are having to hang on by a thin thread.
I am sad to have watched Oprah's last show. I have learned so much and I am so grateful to her for being the obedient child of the Universe, who did her best every day to be her best self. Truly, I would not be the person I am today were it not for her, the guests she had on the, writers, speakers, the guests that were telling their truths. I value truth beyond measure, and search my self truth.
If you have a chance to watch the final episode, I beg you to watch it. I think of it as watching an Opus Magnum. All her thoughts and beliefs, experiences and joy, integrity and faults rolled into one great place. And she speaks to our own truth, and to enable us to have our own truths.
I wonder where did we get so derailed that we don't have our own truths, or perhaps did we really ever?
I spoke with my co-worker today, to thank her for her time last week, that she really helped me. Her comment (with a big smile) "I am so glad you spoke with me, I was having a rough day and it really helped me." I told her that a huge gigantic puzzle piece dropped into place, and I really appreciated her insight. I reached out and asked for help, I didn't know she was having a rough day, and it helped me, and it helped her. It seems that we are meant to ask for help, not just for us, but, for the others so they can give and we can received.
What I have learned:
Be receptive. God is always sending messages.
Love Love Love - that one can be hard for me sometimes. I get frightened and wary of being hurt.
Live in the tender moments, live in the playful moments, just live.
Play more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and Light. GG and I are going for sock yarn after school today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wahoo, sock yarn.
We are making wedding socks for my nephew and his bride for their wedding gift. She is making Earl Grey's from S.P.McPhee, and I am making Wedding Ring Socks for the bride.
SOCK YARN! From Ingrid in West Van. She is the Mecca of Sock Yarn! A whole wall and drawers and drawers, of sheepy wonderful sock yarn.
Ta Ta for Now.
I am saddened to see the horrible storms in the States. The tornado's are amazing to watch and yet cause so so much devastation and loss. Blessings to those who live there and are having to hang on by a thin thread.
I am sad to have watched Oprah's last show. I have learned so much and I am so grateful to her for being the obedient child of the Universe, who did her best every day to be her best self. Truly, I would not be the person I am today were it not for her, the guests she had on the, writers, speakers, the guests that were telling their truths. I value truth beyond measure, and search my self truth.
If you have a chance to watch the final episode, I beg you to watch it. I think of it as watching an Opus Magnum. All her thoughts and beliefs, experiences and joy, integrity and faults rolled into one great place. And she speaks to our own truth, and to enable us to have our own truths.
I wonder where did we get so derailed that we don't have our own truths, or perhaps did we really ever?
I spoke with my co-worker today, to thank her for her time last week, that she really helped me. Her comment (with a big smile) "I am so glad you spoke with me, I was having a rough day and it really helped me." I told her that a huge gigantic puzzle piece dropped into place, and I really appreciated her insight. I reached out and asked for help, I didn't know she was having a rough day, and it helped me, and it helped her. It seems that we are meant to ask for help, not just for us, but, for the others so they can give and we can received.
What I have learned:
Be receptive. God is always sending messages.
Love Love Love - that one can be hard for me sometimes. I get frightened and wary of being hurt.
Live in the tender moments, live in the playful moments, just live.
Play more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and Light. GG and I are going for sock yarn after school today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wahoo, sock yarn.
We are making wedding socks for my nephew and his bride for their wedding gift. She is making Earl Grey's from S.P.McPhee, and I am making Wedding Ring Socks for the bride.
SOCK YARN! From Ingrid in West Van. She is the Mecca of Sock Yarn! A whole wall and drawers and drawers, of sheepy wonderful sock yarn.
Ta Ta for Now.
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