Like many things in my life . . . . . they happen all at once

There is lots to ponder this time of year.  The  beginning of summer, seasons changing, summer so evocative. Hot summer days, sultry nights, music, bare skin, scents of trees and water, the lakes and rivers. Sunscreen, fruit and veggies, so many things all roll together.  I digress from where I meant to go. Its easy to do that in summer.

I'm sleepy from a second day on the ball field with The Boy.  Not that I was playing but, holding down and bench and cheering is hard work. Eating cookies is too!  Probably the real reason why I am sleepy!

Again, digressing.

Lots to think about.  Clever Girl has just graduated and looking at her and the changes she is about to make. She may be moving and I am very sad about that. Happy too, but sad, she is one of my best friends. 

Wow, with the digressing.

Changes. Clever Girl graduating, The Boy Graduating from Grade 7. We have been doing a ton of work around that.  Its going to be beautiful.  Eldest is moving into her first house. Its a tiny converted coal house from the late Victorian era.  Its a bachelor house. 

All three of my children are having last days of something on the 29th. Last exams, last hour, last day in an old home. With that is the new too.  After  Grade 12 exams what happens, after the last day of elementary school off to high school.  Moving into a new bachelor house what happens. 

It made me wonder about what else happens that day, the 29th of June 2011.  I no longer am an elementary school parent. After 16 years of my children being in elementary school I am done.  Wow.  Where did the time go?  What happened?  It was yesterday Eldest was going to kindergarten, and then Clever Girl, and The Boy really was like yesterday.    What shall I do when my children are no longer in elementary school?  Who shall I be?  My identity is around that, but, I have begun in the last year to allow that to shed and slough too.

I have a child in university. I have a child post high school, unsure of her next steps and traveling on her journey. I have a child about to enter high school.  I am no longer responsible for any one in elementary school. It will be very different. 

I have some recent events that have happened and comments made that helped me reflect on some achievements. The comments I could have taken one way or another, and when it came I was tired so I took then another way yet.  It was good because I began to justify myself a bit, and that in its self is not always good.  Anyways, it was good (when I got my intent straight) to look at what I have accomplished in the past 16 years, and longer

I have raised from birth to 20 1/2 years Eldest
I have raised from birth to 17 1/2 years Clever Girl
I have raised from birth to 12 3/4 years The Boy
I have celebrated 25 years of marriage and 30 years of togetherness
I have organized and done approximately 14 years of Brown Bag Lunch. That's 126 lunches give or take for approximately 50 per lunch
I have organized and worked 2 parent dances (that's bands, food, alcohol, decorations (often by myself), several pan cake breakfasts, fun day lunches, teachers lunches, welcoming parents by making a nice tea and such for them year after year.
Walking school bus for 2 years. 
Pizza day - this is a biggie - for the past 10 years or so - Pizza day 9 month a year. That's ordering and picking up around 140 chocolate milk and about 12 dozen cookies  and slogging that all into the school. Remember The Boy was 2 at the time. I did it in snow storms, pouring rains, heat, whatever. Never missed one. That's around 12,000 cookies, 14,000 chocolate milk. Did I include the yogurt and juice? Nope.
I have helped to serve my community in many facets, distributing and sorting lost and found at school (brutal job) but someone had to.  Driving all the left overs to charity with Walt helping me.
I have been on how many field trips, volunteered how many hours in classrooms, swept and washed how many floors and desks, counters and stoves. 
Held families in their times of loss and tragedy just like they did us in our time of loss and fear
I have prayed for our childrens schools for 15 years. 10 months a year each week. I have either held or attended in another's home for prayer.  That's 40 x 15 - 600 hours plus of prayer. Just at that time. Never mind when I wasn't there praying but everywhere else.
I have helped my family through the accident Eldest had, I have healed my own sexual abuse and addictions, I have held my friends when they lost their husbands, or took meals for people who were dieing.
I have organized how many teas for how many hundreds of people who were grieving their losses, just like I was.
I have helped my in-laws to have my father in law die at home. The list is so long I can't even begin on that one. Just to say that that was one of the toughest things I have ever done in my life.
I have re-educated myself taking several courses and facing several fears (big ones!) all at the same time, while my father in law was dieing and I was repainting the main floor of the house.
Oh, I have painted, repaired, or redone every room in our house.  Including insulation, drywall, vapor barrier, etc. 
I have cooked meals for how many people day in and day out for how long. Probably around 5000 meals plus, and thats just dinners. 
I have planned parties, wrapped gifts, made gifts, bought trees to decorate.
I have planted and had re-plant (when strata dug it up) how man gardens?
I have striven to become the best person I could be. I have read books, self evaluated, received counsel and guidance and persevered to become the person God created me to be.
I have read for 13 years how many story books at bed time, how many trips to the library, grocery store, dept  store, sporting good store.
I have lived on baseball fields, rugby fields for the past 8 years.
I have logged more miles driving my children to sports, cheer leading or whatever else was going on.
I have cried more tears, and quelled more fears (my own, my children and others)
I have counseled my own friends in their times of need, be it their children driving them insane, or their husbands beating them.
I have lived and loved and prayed for my husband and each of my children, my in laws,  my mother, my father, and each of my sisters, their partners, their children and their children's children. My friends and my enemies.  For total strangers.
I have thanked God for each day and all that has happened in it. 
I have had to learn about my ego, and how it gets me into trouble.
I have learned to belly dance, and mountain bike, I have learned to weight train, teach aerobics and step and deal with seniors, and teach all these things. 
I have held my children in their sad moments, or balanced lego box lids of vomit when they were too little to make it to the bathroom.
I have sat in how many hospitals, for how many awful experiences, either with my own children or my friends, or my in-laws while they were told there was nothing left for the dr.s to do. My father in law was given a death sentence.
I have washed and dressed my father in law while he was dieing and had the privilege to do so after he passed.
I have helped my husband through 2 shoulder surgeries and get ready to support him through ankle surgery and 6 weeks on crutches and 6 months of rehab. It's his right foot so he can't even drive. SIGH
I have taken how many trips to: the bank, the video store, and the yarn shop.
I have knit 3 sweaters and 1 vest in the past 3 years. I have knit clothes, scarves, and now I am learning to knit socks.
I have administered baseball teams, PACS, oh ya, I chaired, vice chaired and past chaired the PAC for how many years? 
I have sat through (I mean enjoyed) how many band concerts, recitals, plays, or whatever else there was.

The list could could go on.

I have lived to this point and done so very much. I am so grateful that I could write this all down. Because its important for someone like me to look at my achievements and really see and claim them.  I look at myself often and see someone who is fat lazy and ugly. A good for nothing. Old tapes that were put there by another persons insanity. 

I am writing this list and what I see is someone who has lived each day to the fullest that she could. I have rested lots and lived lots and loved lots.  I have been sad lots and had much loss.

I would not trade one day for another. Except for Eldest's accident, and the day Dad died.  Each day has been there and created me to be the person I am.

I had the most amazing walk this morning. Early when the forest was fresh and cool and oh so green. No one else but me. I had a secret delight being in the forest by myself. I had to allow myself to be there with the potential outcome of bears and cougars, I hooted every so often, either so they would know I was there and run away, or they would know where I was and have breakfast. 

The delight of the morning climbing through the ravine, moving my body, and allowing my mind to just be.
Absolute delight and happiness.  Sitting on a boulder with the water rushing around me and filling my head and soul with the sound or the running water.  Washing away the silt in me.

I came out of the bush a changed person from who went in. Just in an hour I became new.
I love my body, I love my mind, I love who I am.  I am beginning to learn who I am and who I am not. What I stand for and what I will not allow around me.

For all that I have listed above of the things I have done, I am happiest when I am sitting knitting, being in my home with my family, maybe watching a movie, reading or blogging, having a nibble, or being in the garden.
I love my family and our time together.

This time is so transient and I shall miss them as they move into their own journeys. I am blessed beyond and above and I thank God for each blessing he has bestowed upon me.

What shall Eldest do now, as she goes into her new coal house at the end of the garden and 4th year university? What shall Clever Girl do now that she has completed Grade 12 and goes into the world. What shall The Boy do as he goes into Grade 8 and his new life as a teenager (OMG) in the fall. What shall Husband do with surgery in less than a month.  What shall I do with my life? What shall I do with my husband our life together?

To be continued . . . .

When you think it . . . then it comes

I have  been thinking of a movie for months and months, its an older one, and it takes place in Ireland. I have searched and searched. Its a romantic comedy, light and fun. Anyways, I am speaking with a teacher today and she mentions a movie, and I ask "does it take place in Ireland". Yup. The Matchmaker.  Now I started watching in on "the Youtubes" and lo and behold, there it is!  Cool.  I started watching it. Too late, just had to blog that I found it. I think its the one.  I remember there is part where there are fields of the most amazing green and a funky old pub. Must be one of those in every Irish movie.  Love it!

Its been a long week, 2 weeks, month, 2 months. If more could fill it up I would be surprised. Careful what you say!

God is in hand with everything. I am so grateful, and filled up with all the wonders around me.

I had an anatomy professor and a respitory dr. (surgeon too I think) to ask questions and pick brains. All the anatomy I studied (which in reality is not much) and I cannot remember but the basics. Need a refresher course!  Seems I forgot how to breath properly along the way too.  Expand on the exhale, and I know that, just forgot somehow!  Yikes. Inspiration and expiration.  Draw the lungs up and spread them back out to drop the diaphragm. Why the hell is there a "g" in diaphragm?

Eldest has rented herself a new home. She is moving into a redone coal shed in the back of a Victorian house from the 1880's in Vic.  Its a coal shed (bachelor sized) at the end of the garden.  The fellow who is moving out of there and into the basement suite of the main house with his partner, has said they are moving in together and getting a "Kat".  Ha Ha!  Does that make me "the Kat's mother?!"

Had lunch with Grace today. In amongst the business of the day it was a lovely break, with a beautiful person.
So much has happened today it doesn't feel like hours ago it feels like days ago. 

2 ball tournaments with the Boy this weekend. Bring the socks along

Cruising through the great websites with raw food my Gal Pal sent me.  Saw Jam at work today, always love spending time with her. 

Hmmm  . . what else. 

Grace, love and forgiveness. Love, Love, Love all we need is love.

What's there to say?

A neighbor walked by the other night, we all smiled and nodded, "great day the sun is shining, and there are no fires burning."  Too true.

So much to see and watch these days in our city. Grief watching all the violence, and outrage. They profound gratitude and hope and melancholy see the police cruisers covered in post-it notes and flowers.  Notes of gratitude and honor.

I asked and prayed for God to not allow the riots. I walked and walked all during the last part of the second period and right until the end of the game. Outside fully present in the beautiful evening.  I prayed for no riots, I prayed for Grace.  I prayed for safety. I asked God afterward "what happened?"   My sense is that these people were totally possessed and it got swept up, and maybe the end result is their behavior which is always there is now there for the world to see, and their families, and somehow it will help them in their lives in the end.  Seeing a community a huge community come out and so strongly support and express their sadness and outrage and gratitude for the Canucks and the emergency crews totally wipes out and eradicates what those people did. Maybe just maybe these people will have a change of heart, now that they have seen this. 

Be the change.

I met with a friend I haven't seen in a very long time, and we talked about the places she is at and the changes she has had in her life through prayer. She's on fire, and it was great to hear her stories of God's absolute presence in her life, and the lives of those around her.  It is a privilege to be in a place of witnessing and to be able to share it affirms our own and visa versa. 

Its funny I just glanced down having done a spell check briefly and this program auto saves.  It went from a blue rectangle "save now"  to a grey one  "SAVED". The word saved just jumped out at me.  Saved.

These people have a profound opportunity to be saved, the ones who's violence and destruction was so appalling.  Please pray for each one of them. Its so easy to feel the rage inside of our own bodies when we watch the destruction and to want to lash out in the same way, to want to hurt and punish them for what they have done.  That begins to get us into their nightmare.  Stop and pray. Breath deep "and know I am God".

Pray for a revival, that is what Jan is doing, she is praying for a revival.

Love and more love

I am sickened and embarrassed about the riots

What is going on in our world and in our city.  Cities and countries are being torn apart by war, military violence, the whole thing.  Now we are taking our beautiful city and destroying it because some young men think its okay to behave this way.

I am so saddened and sickened and beyond belief that this is what is happening. Destroying the big screen that is placed there for everyone to have fun and be together, and now we are destroying vehicles and buildings, and each other.  The Canucks must be sickened and humiliated and Bruins must be stunned. 

How embarrassing and beyond understand. I am ashamed and embarrassed watching this. 

Please God please stop this

Writing a Ton Yesterday (interesting i used the word ton)

Every parent knows the difference between rules designed primarily for the benefit of the parent and those designed for the benefit of the child. God’s rules fall into the latter category. As Creator of the human race, God knows how human society will work best. 

Other People's Opinions

"Favor and disgrace are equally problematic.
Favor lifts you up; disgrace knocks you down.
Either one depends on the opinions of others,
and causes you to depart from your center."
- - Tao Te Ching

I woke to these two perfect gems this morning. I wrote last night for an hour and a half, 19 pages.  I am going to include the work I wrote last night, just not at this moment.  Sleep came very late and I have work, pizza day and a tea to attend.

All great things but they just take time. 

So much is stirring in my life, and I am grateful for God's Love, and the Holy Spirit to guide me, and for Jesus who walks in the yoke beside me. 

God, please show me the way, give me courage, put all the people in place you want to heal my body with your loving grace. 

Needed Inspiration to Post . . . Wow I found it this a.m.

Human Barbie Sarah Burge. Okay.  Lets read about this.  She gave her 7 year old daughter for her birthday a coupon for 10,000 for a boob job.  She has to wait until she is 16.  WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If she has big boobs then she can have some other work done.  Her daughter is so excited because she wants to have big boobs like her mom (fake) "they are so pretty". 

There are photos on line of this woman giving her daughter botox injections when she is 15 years old. The daughter has since had more.  Her friends tell her that if you have them now you won't look so old when you are 25.  WHAT!!!!!!#@$%

There is such insanity in this world.  A man who has no face due to an industrial accident and has to have a whole face transplant, just so he can breath and have a life of some sort, and here is a woman with over 800,000.00 in plastic surgery and she's 51 years old.  She has botoxed her daughter and given her 7 year old a 10,000 open ended coupon for surgery.

WHAT IS OUR WORLD COMING TO? 

God is in the Heavens weeping. 

There is a photo online of this woman as a young teen and she is beautiful. Fresh faced young REAL girl. Now she looks so plastic and scary and  .  .. . . sad.  So sad.  The girl she was is gone, and dr.s who continue to give this woman surgery are quacks who should have their licenses revoked.  Personally these girls have inherited their mothers body dismorphia and should be counseled and removed from her. 

I am all for keeping families together, but, that is one that just hit a nerve.  It reminds me to be vigilant with my own children. Have I set a good example for my own kids. In some areas yes, in other areas, not so much. This is fuel for me today.

Off to a 15 minute demonstration by me in front of who knows how many people. What was I thinking?!

Saw Grace today . . . . you haven't been blogging she says!

Hmmm . . .  what is there to say?

GG has her grad banquet tomorrow night.  Her father grew out of his suit and needed to get new clothes, of course he waits until this morning to go do this.  He didn't try his suit on until last night.  SIGH  . . . . 

He has been watching and listening to us (or perhaps not) get ready for the past couple of weeks, making sure we have all the things GG needs, including hair cuts and such. Yet, he forgets to check his own clothes.
Its either jeans, sweats, or shorts. No dress pants.  To be honest there is not a huge requirement for them in his life.  But, he's 53 years old and should have new clothes that fit and look nice. Adult. 

I am learning about my Sits bones  and how uneven they feel. Like one side is way heavier or "deeper" into the chair.  I was looking up the Sits bones and realizing that we really can ground ourselves with the sit bone.

I know what does this all mean?  It means I am trying to heal my body!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Tight hamstrings, sore knees, really what does it take?  GOD SEND ME SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!

I love the books I am reading these days. Completely out of the norm, anything by Susan Addison Allen, she's awesome. She really understands relationships with ourselves and our families (mothers in particular!) 

There is really so much going on in my hear its kind of hard to get it all down on paper, or key pad as it maybe. 

I just continue to grown and learn. Become the Child of God I hope to be.

Love and Light and A Lighter Sky

Biology of Belief - Bruce Lipton PhD

I have to say its a bit slow reading in some spots. Only because I don't necessarily "get" the meat of the matter.
However, I do get that our cells are governed by our environment, or our perception of environment. Limbic system, cells, proteins.  This book is quite something and relates to Quantum Mechanics as well.

I am looking to see how our brains work our bodies.  I like to understand how my body works and my brain and why.

Derek Sivers is a blogger and musician and business man and he recently posted on the concept of learning.

"I'm addicted to learning.  Trying to figure out the ways of the world.  Trying to understand how other people think, how I think, and how to bridge the gap.


They say there are a few stages of learning:

   1. unconscious incompetence
   2. conscious incompetence   (<-- me)
   3. conscious competence
   4. unconscious competence

This past year I've been mostly publicly silent because I hit stage #2.  I'm overwhelmed with how much I don't know.  I feel like a novice at everything.  This is daunting but good."  Derek Sivers

He then went on to ask if anyone would like to ask him one questions. Noting that he realized that he was leaving himself wide open.

I pondered a question and shipped it off. Will be interesting to see if he posts it.

"What is your personal intent behind seeking knowledge/learning?"

Because I know some of mine.  What about you?  What is your reasons for learning. Mine are often based in my lack of self esteem.  I want to show or prove that I can do things, so I strive for perfection. If I learn enough I could be perfect.  I am starting to realize that that is based on misinformation.

"Endowed with the ability to be self-reflective, the self-conscious mind is extremely powerful. It can observe any programmed behavior we are engaged in, evaluate the behavior, and consciously decide to change the program. We can actively choose how to respond to most environmental signals and whether we even want to respond at all.  The conscious mind's capacity to override the subconscious mind's pre-programmed behaviors is the foundation of free will.

However, our special gift comes with a special pitfall.  While almost all organisms have to actually experience the stimuli of life first-hand, the human brain's ability to "learn" perceptions is so advanced that we can actually acquire perceptions indirectly from teachers.  Once we accept the perceptions of others as "truths", their perceptions become hardwired into our own brains, becoming our "truths." Here's where the problem arises:  what if our teacher's perceptions are inaccurate?  In such cases, our brains are then down-loaded with misperceptions.  The subconscious mind is strictly a stimulus-response playback device; there is no "ghost" in that part of the "machine" to ponder the long-term consequences of the programs we engage.  The subconscious works only in the "now."  Consequently, programmed misperceptions in our subconscious mind are not "monitored" and will habitually engage us in inappropriate and limiting behaviours.
The Biology of Belief - Bruce H. Lipton -PhD




"At the same time that I was studying the mechanics of the cell's brain and gaining insight into the operation of the human brain, Candace Pert was studying the human brain and becom ing aware of the mechanics of hte cell's brain.  In Molecules of Emotion, Per revealed how her stud of information-processing receptors on nerve cell membranes led her to discover that the same "neural" receptors were present on most, if not all, of the body's cells. Her elegant experiments established that the "mind" was not focused int he head but was distributed via signal molecules to the whole body.  As importantly, her owrk emphasized that hte emotions were not only derived through a feedback of the body's environment information. Through self-consciousness, the mind can used hte brain to generate "molecules of emotion" and override the system. While proper use of consciouses can bring health to an ailing body, inappropriate unconscious control of emotions can easily make a healthy body diseased, at topic I will expand upon in Chapters 6 and 7. Molecules of Emotion is a very insightful book describing the scientific discovery process."  The Biology of Belief - Lipton PhD.

I am still processing all of this.  I think I look at these things and try to seek a magic bullet that will show me the error of my ways. There must be something here to explain why I am the loser I am.  Why I cannot seem to make the changes necessary in my body and brain to be healthy and happy, to have financial security.

To create the very life I say I want and truly I do want it.  However my self concept based on another lies, "programming" is the very thing that is stopping me.  The two don't go together.

Again, not mother bashing here, just stating!  The repeated rants of how awful I was, fat, ugly, loser, unable to manage anything.  I was a terrible selfish person who could not manage her way through anything.  These rants would last for long periods of time and be repeated frequently. As I have blogged before, a friend was witness to one, and asked me why I "took" it.  My head hanging, silent huge tears of shame dropping, my long hair hanging down to hide my shame and ugliness.  I am basing my perception of who I am today based on my mother's insanity.  Who does that to their child?  I am sitting here crying with huge tears of burning shame running down my face.  No wonder I stay stuck in the fat. She never ever wanted me to succeed or be more beautiful or successful than her. I know this, I have realized this so very long ago, however, HOW DO I LET GO? How do I re-program?  I think its a matter of just getting out and "doing" it.  I am sorry for my mother and saddened.  She had so many talents and gifts and when she was in her right mind she really was lovely. She just wasn't there often. Never a child's birthday party. Ever.  The one party she did have for me was so formal and uncomfortable I couldn't even eat. I was staying with my sister and she took me to the house for it. Sister planned the whole thing.  Bless you sister.  On Thursday this week we had our last Brown Bag Lunch and after 16 years of doing this, I was presented with the most beautiful cake and planter and card signed with well wishes and sang "for she's a jolly good fellow"  it was LOVELY.  And I relished it. It was uncomfortable in the beginning but I stuck with it. How insane is that?  Being feted and being uncomfortable. Insane.  I have the right to love, light and happiness, to healthy and bounty.  I have the right to be surrounded by my friends and family and not isolated away because I am sick and fat and ugly and might make others around me uncomfortable.  My mother was a mind F***!  

So, just go do. Push past the lies and breath. Love the life I have. Which truly I do.

More to come as I get to chapters 6 and 7.

Love and Light, and all that Sunshine!

Conversations with Bunny or The Past Present and Future

Two days ago it was tea and a beam of sun.  Its raining and the clouds are back down to the ground, still have my tea though! : )

Had a phenomenal phone conversation with Bunny yesterday. She's awesome!   She's working through her stuff figuring out life and living loving and laughing along the way. I love her!

We spoke of so many things (2 hours worth) Husband's comment "how many batteries have you gone through"
(gee that could go a couple of different ways couldn't it?) 

Anyways, we were talking about sabotaging ourselves and what that multi-faceted little gem looks like from day to day. Depending on whats going on, where our head is, remember is multi-facted.  Her sabo was the day before and we were speaking of where she was and who she was with and the experience they were having. Which was lovely by the way.   Her mind started to travel and she went from her place of beauty with her companion to kids, money, errands, and then worries about money, kids and errands.  Not fair!

So I explained Eckert Tolle as I understand about the ego, I am not even going to give it a big E, however, that's my ego too.  The ego loves to self perpetuate itself in these journeys of worry, fret, turmoil. It goes to the past and forward to the future pacing back and forth. However, it cannot live in the present.  As I was explaining my understanding of this (simplified here, Eckert has it down pat) I truly realized: 

If I live in the Present the ego cannot be present, the ego exists only in the past and the future, and there is no past and future there is only the Present.

LOVE IT!

Live in the Present, be in the Present, we are the Present, it is the only thing that exists is the moment.  There is no past and there is no future.  Yes, we do have our ego based past and future, and yes we do have the future to plan for, however, the day to day living is the Present.  Treat it like a present, admire the wrapping paper and bow, look at the card it came with, savor the tape coming off, or maybe you are a ripper, and just enjoy the present.   

My day is rainy and grey skied again, however, I have a lap top and I can blog and friends do want to read it.
I have friends and loved ones, I have my tea, my health and the Love of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
I have my husband who loves me and my children, beautiful wool to knit, and a great community to be in.
Boy's team won their first play off tournament last night and get to play on.  The Canucks won, I am so happy for my husband.  I have medication for my sore knee, and pray it will work and I won't have an allergic reaction. I have a medical plan, and dr.'s to access, gas in my car, food a plenty.  Brent is on Work Safe and we are blessed for that as we wait for his surgery.  We are blessed. 

We live in the Present.

PS  I went back to reread the post noticing how I wrote "we are the Present", and truly "We are the Present", we are the gift the being the thing that is the Present.  We physically cannot live in the past or future, we can only BE in the Present, literally.  Also, as humans and children of God we are the Present, so treat our selves with care. Even now the ego is saying are you brave enough to post this - what do you know - is it just your ego talking?  The ego is really interesting when you realize what it is.  I believe God is speaking and not in the Waco way by the way, but, in just what is my truth for me today.