Had my first session with HW (Healing Woman) and I came away with many things and I am going to embrace what it is that came up!
One thing I want to sit in right now, that I have visited before is this.
Being safe and allowed to play and be in my body and in this place. So often I was drawn away from my play and fun and abused. I had figured this out so long ago, play and be and get hurt.
What HW helped me with tonight was - I still fight off being vulnerable trying to stay safe. The food was a way for me to stay safe to not allow the feeling of being vulnerable.
Also, my little girl tonight came out to play and HW got to speak with her, and she spoke with both of us. I love her energy and her indomitable spirit. How she survived! She's 4 by the way.
What she had to say was "I am here and I play with my dolls and be a little girl, and ya, those things happened, however, I am happy and here and full, ticking along" What I realized was I was currently and all along grieving for her and needing to perpetuate this sadness etc. And really that is not what she wants or needs. She is happy and very well adjusted. WHAT A WONDER!
So I am going to spend some time getting to know her and love her and play. We are going to work on an art project together and she let HW know that she wanted popsicles! Bought popsicles on the way home!
I am very tired tonight, in a great way.
Love
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Truth and Punishment
As I go through my days right now, speaking my truth as I know it today, I am having this all pervading fear. Nothing is different each day from any other day, the days are really very quiet and calm compared with the spring months and early summer months.
So what is this fear from? I made my first appt. with Healing Woman (HW) and I am not certain what it is going to look like, and how I am going to feel? I am afraid my whole world will shatter into a million little pieces, and I will never be able to pick them up again. Humpty Dumpty.
But, the other part of me knows that HW will take care of me, and I will be safe.
I told my dr. about the restraints and abuse today. I just felt like it was something he should know, perhaps for my file. I am telling the truth with people I feel safe with. It wasn't necessarily a planned event.
More like the pressure valve on a pressure cooker. She's gonna blow! Na, I just see the steam valve on my Gramma's old pressure cooker, its wobbling away and the steam is blowing out the bottom. Rather cartoon like!
Dr. W. was so respectful, and his face kind of dropped. He stayed very calm and honoring, and told me I could speak with him and time and tell him anything. Gotta love a man like that! It just makes me want to cry writing this. Any sympathy of any sort and I am balling my eyes out.
I felt some panic after I spoke to him and more of a sadness while I was telling him with a bit of panic. I was thinking about that this afternoon. That I was speaking my truth today and the responses.
And really what was I afraid of? Yes I have things stored in my body, I have things I am looking at and pursing to heal, all of these things I have done before. So what was different? Punishment. I am speaking the truth and I am waiting for the punishment.
Tell the truth = punishment
Somewhere in my programming there is the truth/punishment factor. Like being tied up in my crib wasn't bad enough, being beaten by my mother wasn't bad enough, being sexually assaulted by my father wasn't bad enough, being mentally and spiritually abused wasn't bad enough - somewhere in my make up is the punishment factor. If you tell you are in big trouble
FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of you fuck off, because guess what?! I am telling the truth, I have told the truth all the way along and there is not one thing that you can do to me. There is nothing left you can do to me. God will not punish me or hurt me or kill someone I love because I told the truth. If something awful happens to me or those I love it is not because of me telling. Its because something awful has happened, not because of me but because it simply happened.
As I was writing that, I was wondering what implications were made to me, that if I told something bad was going to happen. I was typing as fast as I could without thought per se and one part of me was conscious of
the fact that somewhere somehow I have been told that if I told the truth, if I told what was really happening, something really bad was going to happen to me, or those I loved or cared about.
I remember when I first cleaned up 20 years ago, being so afraid that my child would be taken from me, or me taken from her. That I would lose her. No one would ever had done that, and despite some of my mental melt downs with her,I was a good mom who did her best each day to love and care for her, teach her and
guide her. But, I just had this all pervading sense of destruction coming. What I now understand that I didn't then exactly, is that I have been told that if I spoke the truth there would be catastrophic events taking place and it would be MY FAULT. There it is.
This is pretty big. I have taken responsibility for all the bad things that have happened to those around me, when I have been around, because they wouldn't have happened had I shut my mouth and not told the truth.
To this day, when I am unhappy or sad, or angry (especially) with Brent (he is the mother/father substitute - poor unwitting bastard!) I shut my mouth and don't speak because if I do the punishment will be so much worse than anything they had already done.
Who raises and cares for children like that? Who does that? Who speaks to children that way?
The polygamist in the states who is being charged with sex with a minor who had audio tapes of him raping his 12 year old bride with his other adult wives in the room. WHO DOES THAT?! A predator. Predators do that. People who are so sick and screwed up that they can't see that what they are doing is so wrong.
Who takes an innocent sweet babe and sexually assaults them? What mother makes a restraint and ties her child into the crib, zips her in first and then ties so she can't move? What father sticks his penis in that child's mouth while she is restrained. Who does that?
And because of all that, who am I today? Who am I? Back to the beginning. I don't know who I am in many ways. I don't know what my body looks like exactly because I am covered in a layer of fat that is not of my making. I was eating and abusing my body, continuing to numb the pain and perpetuate the punishment and restraints. Today I am a human being aware of all these, and today I can make a new decision. Based on getting to know myself, today.
God, I am tired. Please may I rest in your arms. Holy Spirit please show your way for me today. Jesus, I am tired today so tired and afraid and sad, please come beside me and walk that I may not be alone.
I love you Jesus, I love you God, I love you Holy Spirit.
I love you Colleen you child survivor, you amazing Truth Teller. You are safe today, you are safe tomorrow, you are safe, safe, safe. God has me in his arms, I am safe with HW, I am safe with my family and friends.
It is safe for me to tell the truth.
Breathe.
So what is this fear from? I made my first appt. with Healing Woman (HW) and I am not certain what it is going to look like, and how I am going to feel? I am afraid my whole world will shatter into a million little pieces, and I will never be able to pick them up again. Humpty Dumpty.
But, the other part of me knows that HW will take care of me, and I will be safe.
I told my dr. about the restraints and abuse today. I just felt like it was something he should know, perhaps for my file. I am telling the truth with people I feel safe with. It wasn't necessarily a planned event.
More like the pressure valve on a pressure cooker. She's gonna blow! Na, I just see the steam valve on my Gramma's old pressure cooker, its wobbling away and the steam is blowing out the bottom. Rather cartoon like!
Dr. W. was so respectful, and his face kind of dropped. He stayed very calm and honoring, and told me I could speak with him and time and tell him anything. Gotta love a man like that! It just makes me want to cry writing this. Any sympathy of any sort and I am balling my eyes out.
I felt some panic after I spoke to him and more of a sadness while I was telling him with a bit of panic. I was thinking about that this afternoon. That I was speaking my truth today and the responses.
And really what was I afraid of? Yes I have things stored in my body, I have things I am looking at and pursing to heal, all of these things I have done before. So what was different? Punishment. I am speaking the truth and I am waiting for the punishment.
Tell the truth = punishment
Somewhere in my programming there is the truth/punishment factor. Like being tied up in my crib wasn't bad enough, being beaten by my mother wasn't bad enough, being sexually assaulted by my father wasn't bad enough, being mentally and spiritually abused wasn't bad enough - somewhere in my make up is the punishment factor. If you tell you are in big trouble
FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All of you fuck off, because guess what?! I am telling the truth, I have told the truth all the way along and there is not one thing that you can do to me. There is nothing left you can do to me. God will not punish me or hurt me or kill someone I love because I told the truth. If something awful happens to me or those I love it is not because of me telling. Its because something awful has happened, not because of me but because it simply happened.
As I was writing that, I was wondering what implications were made to me, that if I told something bad was going to happen. I was typing as fast as I could without thought per se and one part of me was conscious of
the fact that somewhere somehow I have been told that if I told the truth, if I told what was really happening, something really bad was going to happen to me, or those I loved or cared about.
I remember when I first cleaned up 20 years ago, being so afraid that my child would be taken from me, or me taken from her. That I would lose her. No one would ever had done that, and despite some of my mental melt downs with her,I was a good mom who did her best each day to love and care for her, teach her and
guide her. But, I just had this all pervading sense of destruction coming. What I now understand that I didn't then exactly, is that I have been told that if I spoke the truth there would be catastrophic events taking place and it would be MY FAULT. There it is.
This is pretty big. I have taken responsibility for all the bad things that have happened to those around me, when I have been around, because they wouldn't have happened had I shut my mouth and not told the truth.
To this day, when I am unhappy or sad, or angry (especially) with Brent (he is the mother/father substitute - poor unwitting bastard!) I shut my mouth and don't speak because if I do the punishment will be so much worse than anything they had already done.
Who raises and cares for children like that? Who does that? Who speaks to children that way?
The polygamist in the states who is being charged with sex with a minor who had audio tapes of him raping his 12 year old bride with his other adult wives in the room. WHO DOES THAT?! A predator. Predators do that. People who are so sick and screwed up that they can't see that what they are doing is so wrong.
Who takes an innocent sweet babe and sexually assaults them? What mother makes a restraint and ties her child into the crib, zips her in first and then ties so she can't move? What father sticks his penis in that child's mouth while she is restrained. Who does that?
And because of all that, who am I today? Who am I? Back to the beginning. I don't know who I am in many ways. I don't know what my body looks like exactly because I am covered in a layer of fat that is not of my making. I was eating and abusing my body, continuing to numb the pain and perpetuate the punishment and restraints. Today I am a human being aware of all these, and today I can make a new decision. Based on getting to know myself, today.
God, I am tired. Please may I rest in your arms. Holy Spirit please show your way for me today. Jesus, I am tired today so tired and afraid and sad, please come beside me and walk that I may not be alone.
I love you Jesus, I love you God, I love you Holy Spirit.
I love you Colleen you child survivor, you amazing Truth Teller. You are safe today, you are safe tomorrow, you are safe, safe, safe. God has me in his arms, I am safe with HW, I am safe with my family and friends.
It is safe for me to tell the truth.
Breathe.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Blueberries and Sunshine
Sitting in the garden reading my book and eating my breakfast. The book: The Lost Garden by Helen Humphreys. Great book.
I realize I am eating by rote and decide to be in my body while I eat not distracted by reading. My stomach releases and eases. Its easier to breath.
I begin to really observe what I am eating. (I am great at distracting myself from my food, a life long habit of denial that I am eating) the very thing I do for pleasure and I even distract myself from that, the sin of gorging. If I don't acknowledge it maybe it didn't happen. Hmmm . . . . like so many things in life!
I chose to consciously eat my blueberries and raspberries and really observe the delight that they are. Each a perfect jewel. I love berries.
The blueberries as they begin to warm slightly in the sun begin to have a dusky bloom as the moisture inside begins to bead on the blue skin. Each a perfect globe of construction from the bloom end to the stem. They are perfect, fleshy, seedy ready to create something wonderful either in the ground planted, or in my body, planted. Raspberries. Each perfect little seed pocket nature has created. I like to tuck a blueberry inside a raspberry. So pleasing the colors together and the tastes too!
As I finish and the thought arises, if I eat these good foods for me, and strive to lose weight and become unencumbered of the weight, the shame, the sickness that is the fat on my body, I wonder why the fat won't go. Why is is there still after all this time? Why when so many people eat more than I and way worse foods they are smaller or losing weight. Why.
Why because I am tied to my mother. That is what arose from inside. The tie literally that Healing Woman saw from the back of my fear Chakra is tied to someone. I think its to my mother, I thought that already when she told me. So much that is inextricably tied to her and I wasn't even conscious of it. I can still remember being in my young teens and tweens and weighing myself and the numbers just kept rising and I has helpless to do anything about it. The despair and sadness, the inability to have any control over anything, my life, my weight.
I would just watch her drive away to the bar and leave me at home, in my own little slice of hell. A young girl just wanting to be pretty and feel good about herself. I felt like a fat ugly monster, un-loveable and certainly unlikeable. God knows she told me often enough. Never enough was I. Never. I am seeing so many experiences through fresh eyes now. I am so grateful. I was enough, I was never meant to be left alone and unloved and uncared for for hours on end. To put myself to bed and feed myself and care for myself. But in reality it was a favor in some ways. When she was at the bar the house was quiet. It was peace filled. I didn't have to listen to her music blaring - sad music echoing her own sadness and insanity. I just waited for her to come home drunk with one of her males and just want to crawl away. Sleep interrupted always. Sometimes violent fights, sometimes the same men, sometimes different ones. Her suicide attempts, her laughing screaming insanity. Phone calls to the police, help from neighbors. Why didn't she just fuck off? I feel the despair even sitting and writing this. The insanity. I guess this is my opportunity to have a look and move forward. To acknowledge the insanity and know that it wasn't mine. It was theirs. Time to reveal my life and my body, not the life and body their insanity made!
Healing Woman (HW) has emailed me to set an appt. time for our first session. I had emailed her for her shoe size (I am knitting her socks) and she said it sounded like it was time to set our first session. I quietly freaked out. As much as I want this my stomach clenched and my heart started to pound. Fear knows that changes are a coming.
I can actually see the fear encapsulated in my body now. I can see it in my knees and hips, I can feel it in my abdomen. I can begin to see that the fear isn't even mind. The fear is the abusers in my life that they have put on me. It is my fear in a different way. My response to it as well.
Had coffee with Grace yesterday and were speaking of mothers. Her mother had this "thing" with her eyes and brows. Whoa, so did mine. It was a Gloria Swanson type look, haughty and demeaning and so profoundly controlling. It was actually unspeakable, "The Look". One eye brow up and this look of disdain. I swear I would be a mouldering pile of ashes on the floor after my own mother looked at me like that.
Her specialty was the one eye brow raised a la Dr. Spock on Star Trek. WTF! Really, what was that all about. Its laughable now, and really it was then if the fear had been so real. As if that look could strike you dead. Grace said that too, death.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN? And really Gloria Swanson, Elizabeth Taylor and Joan Crawford and all those script writers and directors have a ton to answer for. The Look, power, control, fear, disdain, the whole ball of wax in one.
I am on a relationship journey with myself. Hello you its nice to meet you. You look like a person I would like to get to know.
Here's to love and light and laughter
I realize I am eating by rote and decide to be in my body while I eat not distracted by reading. My stomach releases and eases. Its easier to breath.
I begin to really observe what I am eating. (I am great at distracting myself from my food, a life long habit of denial that I am eating) the very thing I do for pleasure and I even distract myself from that, the sin of gorging. If I don't acknowledge it maybe it didn't happen. Hmmm . . . . like so many things in life!
I chose to consciously eat my blueberries and raspberries and really observe the delight that they are. Each a perfect jewel. I love berries.
The blueberries as they begin to warm slightly in the sun begin to have a dusky bloom as the moisture inside begins to bead on the blue skin. Each a perfect globe of construction from the bloom end to the stem. They are perfect, fleshy, seedy ready to create something wonderful either in the ground planted, or in my body, planted. Raspberries. Each perfect little seed pocket nature has created. I like to tuck a blueberry inside a raspberry. So pleasing the colors together and the tastes too!
As I finish and the thought arises, if I eat these good foods for me, and strive to lose weight and become unencumbered of the weight, the shame, the sickness that is the fat on my body, I wonder why the fat won't go. Why is is there still after all this time? Why when so many people eat more than I and way worse foods they are smaller or losing weight. Why.
Why because I am tied to my mother. That is what arose from inside. The tie literally that Healing Woman saw from the back of my fear Chakra is tied to someone. I think its to my mother, I thought that already when she told me. So much that is inextricably tied to her and I wasn't even conscious of it. I can still remember being in my young teens and tweens and weighing myself and the numbers just kept rising and I has helpless to do anything about it. The despair and sadness, the inability to have any control over anything, my life, my weight.
I would just watch her drive away to the bar and leave me at home, in my own little slice of hell. A young girl just wanting to be pretty and feel good about herself. I felt like a fat ugly monster, un-loveable and certainly unlikeable. God knows she told me often enough. Never enough was I. Never. I am seeing so many experiences through fresh eyes now. I am so grateful. I was enough, I was never meant to be left alone and unloved and uncared for for hours on end. To put myself to bed and feed myself and care for myself. But in reality it was a favor in some ways. When she was at the bar the house was quiet. It was peace filled. I didn't have to listen to her music blaring - sad music echoing her own sadness and insanity. I just waited for her to come home drunk with one of her males and just want to crawl away. Sleep interrupted always. Sometimes violent fights, sometimes the same men, sometimes different ones. Her suicide attempts, her laughing screaming insanity. Phone calls to the police, help from neighbors. Why didn't she just fuck off? I feel the despair even sitting and writing this. The insanity. I guess this is my opportunity to have a look and move forward. To acknowledge the insanity and know that it wasn't mine. It was theirs. Time to reveal my life and my body, not the life and body their insanity made!
Healing Woman (HW) has emailed me to set an appt. time for our first session. I had emailed her for her shoe size (I am knitting her socks) and she said it sounded like it was time to set our first session. I quietly freaked out. As much as I want this my stomach clenched and my heart started to pound. Fear knows that changes are a coming.
I can actually see the fear encapsulated in my body now. I can see it in my knees and hips, I can feel it in my abdomen. I can begin to see that the fear isn't even mind. The fear is the abusers in my life that they have put on me. It is my fear in a different way. My response to it as well.
Had coffee with Grace yesterday and were speaking of mothers. Her mother had this "thing" with her eyes and brows. Whoa, so did mine. It was a Gloria Swanson type look, haughty and demeaning and so profoundly controlling. It was actually unspeakable, "The Look". One eye brow up and this look of disdain. I swear I would be a mouldering pile of ashes on the floor after my own mother looked at me like that.
Her specialty was the one eye brow raised a la Dr. Spock on Star Trek. WTF! Really, what was that all about. Its laughable now, and really it was then if the fear had been so real. As if that look could strike you dead. Grace said that too, death.
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN? And really Gloria Swanson, Elizabeth Taylor and Joan Crawford and all those script writers and directors have a ton to answer for. The Look, power, control, fear, disdain, the whole ball of wax in one.
I am on a relationship journey with myself. Hello you its nice to meet you. You look like a person I would like to get to know.
Here's to love and light and laughter
Thursday, August 4, 2011
What I Know for Sure - There Are No Mistakes!
I knew this morning that I would be speaking to the woman who offered to do energy work with me before.
I knew that I would be speaking with her this morning. I spoke with her at least a month ago.
Sure enough in the hall way "do you have 5 minutes" She asked me about what has been going on, my expectations around what she did, and her explanations of what she did.
After I explained about what healing and growing I had been doing and the memories etc. She said that she could actually see over my fear Chakra a white band that ran around the back of the Chakra and it was tied to something as in a wall. She saw me bound. Arms crossed. She thought I would find that disturbing. Well fair enough.She chose not to look further at that time. She explained it could a tie to someone or something.
I know that it is a tie to my mother and or father or both. My mother I think though.
How amazing that God answers and provides so very quickly. I finished my last blog this a.m. before I left for work and a hour or two later the responses come. AMAZING Grace.
I explained how I felt so fractured and stretched and never ever feeling like I was in the right place. She explained that I was fractured or splintered and she would be able to help me with that. I explained I am feeling so out of touch sometimes and I want to be so in touch living present in my body.
So we are exchanging energy instead of money, because she felt intuitively that she was to work with me. That I would know what energy. I thought about it and asked if hand knit socks would be good. She smiled. So hand knit socks it is. And she left the pattern and colors to me, to be intuitive about it. I know the color already and I am thinking some very plain simple socks, uncomplicated and soothing to knit. I think there will be a journey even as I knit them.
She gave me responses which already confirmed the things I know. I know that I hold my breath (I was light headed talking with her) and she observed when I told that I had stopped breathing a couple of times (FEAR) but where the fear Chakra is is exactly where I don't breath. And the strap and the back of the Chakra go around to where all the pain in my back is and radiates out from! I knew before she even said it and explained to me. She said it wasn't hot or warm even just cool, but there. I know that I hold "something" there just not what.
THESE SHACKLES ARE COMING OFF!
I explained that I would like to wait until September because I had a knitting project I had to complete.
I am willing to wait to be patient and not rush. So what is waiting in my emails when I came home. Our resident Soul Coach's message of Love.
I knew that I would be speaking with her this morning. I spoke with her at least a month ago.
Sure enough in the hall way "do you have 5 minutes" She asked me about what has been going on, my expectations around what she did, and her explanations of what she did.
After I explained about what healing and growing I had been doing and the memories etc. She said that she could actually see over my fear Chakra a white band that ran around the back of the Chakra and it was tied to something as in a wall. She saw me bound. Arms crossed. She thought I would find that disturbing. Well fair enough.She chose not to look further at that time. She explained it could a tie to someone or something.
I know that it is a tie to my mother and or father or both. My mother I think though.
How amazing that God answers and provides so very quickly. I finished my last blog this a.m. before I left for work and a hour or two later the responses come. AMAZING Grace.
I explained how I felt so fractured and stretched and never ever feeling like I was in the right place. She explained that I was fractured or splintered and she would be able to help me with that. I explained I am feeling so out of touch sometimes and I want to be so in touch living present in my body.
So we are exchanging energy instead of money, because she felt intuitively that she was to work with me. That I would know what energy. I thought about it and asked if hand knit socks would be good. She smiled. So hand knit socks it is. And she left the pattern and colors to me, to be intuitive about it. I know the color already and I am thinking some very plain simple socks, uncomplicated and soothing to knit. I think there will be a journey even as I knit them.
She gave me responses which already confirmed the things I know. I know that I hold my breath (I was light headed talking with her) and she observed when I told that I had stopped breathing a couple of times (FEAR) but where the fear Chakra is is exactly where I don't breath. And the strap and the back of the Chakra go around to where all the pain in my back is and radiates out from! I knew before she even said it and explained to me. She said it wasn't hot or warm even just cool, but there. I know that I hold "something" there just not what.
THESE SHACKLES ARE COMING OFF!
I explained that I would like to wait until September because I had a knitting project I had to complete.
I am willing to wait to be patient and not rush. So what is waiting in my emails when I came home. Our resident Soul Coach's message of Love.
"When you are relaxed picture a huge bubble of loving energy descend on you. Allow the energy to seep into your whole being letting you feel FULLY accepted and cherished. Give yourself time to feel that. Then notice the timeless quality in it and allow a deep loving patience to permeate you. Feel it.
Let the loving patience stay with you and guide you to let go of thoughts of rapid outcomes. Let it guide you to recognize the real value in the little things. Look at the treasures of nature for examples and feel the love of Divinity that connects us all.
Namaste
Linda"
Remember the last blog finished this morning about Love, and how I wrote of women and accepting their love. There is no mistake along this journey that we are meant to be together that there are the signs along the way and I value and appreciate with the deepest gratitude all that coming to me.
I value you and appreciate so deeply all of the beauty in each of you. Thank you!
Love Col
Triggers - Giving Love or Withholding Love - What that looks like
Not sure what it going on however, it seems that in my life things are really going full circle.
I know that somewhere in my life as a very young child I was threatened repeatedly with regards to behaving and staying where I was supposed to be, to not cause any trouble to behave and do as I was told always.
To the point that some sort of fear tactics by my mother were so profoundly driven into me (and my sib's too probably) that I am paralyzed trying to release myself.
This is hard to explain even to myself.
What I have come to realize is this: I currently live as this woman today, functioning along as an adult, with the skills of a very young child buried very deeply.
Having recently figured out the "fat suit" " crib restraint" thing, I am realizing that I am still living in this place of profound fear. If I bust loose and really go for "it" something really bad is going to happen. I think somewhere along the way I have been very threatened. Also, what message I am getting from deep within and coming up to the surface is that if I do what I want and when I want to then . . . I will no longer be loved or cared for.
I am eating away here today after some really profound experiences yesterday and wondering what is driving the eating. Something is. What am I really trying to avoid or stuff. What am I afraid of.
Because afraid is what instantly popped up for me. I am afraid. What am I afraid of? I am afraid that if I really do this thing, if I become fit and healthy, beautiful and alluring, if I live a fantastic life that I am supposed to live then my mother will no longer love me. But, she isn't in my life, so I have transferred that to my husband. I realized this 30 years ago, and here I am back to the beginning. SIGH...
I remember leaving counseling one day and walking the upper levels bridge in Edmonton back into the city. And realizing then that if i lived my life as I wanted then Brent would think I didn't need him and he would reject me and no longer love me. Here I am back at that again. 30 years later.
I think that I was so denied love, care or compassion to the point of abject fear. We were so terrified of our mother. I remember being called downstairs by her and my sister Pat going with me, and telling me, don't let her see you are afraid of her. If you cry it will be worse, and her showing me how to dig my finger nails into my palms so I could focus on that instead of hearing my mother berate me.
When she would call us we would be sick to our stomachs. My whole bowel would become wobbly. She had figured out and said something to us in such a way that we understood that we would be dead we would die if we did not do what we were told
I have a thing about my death. I have spent long parts of my life planning my service, what music etc. So I wouldn't have to burden anyone else with it. Sick huh. One day several years ago, I made a decision to not plan that any more. To plan to live and be.
I think that some time in our lives we have been threatened with death as a way of being controlled. However, with our mother she is so covert and sick that it could have looked like anything, but, the message was very clear. Death. I have read where young children see death as very real as part of a survival instinct.
Its in the very fiber of our bodies for survival as babies. So what happened? What was said or not said, implied.
What I know for sure is that fear tactics of some sort were used in a very sneaky covert way. It is so woven into the warp and weft of the fibers of my life. So that today without being aware I operate from a place of very deep fear. Just simply not aware.
Yesterday I was with my workmates and we were all sharing information about ourselves, and all this female energy started moving around. I don't even remember what got me started but I was sharing about being zipped into restraints of some sort my mother sewed and tied into my crib. I had a memory while I was standing there. The memory was fleeting and more an image and a "gut" sensation. I started retching, here it comes. I remembered being orally abused while being restrained. It was so very brief I could have missed it under different circumstances. I started to cry and the friends brought me in and sat me down. Closed the door and just rubbed my back. I made the decision to allow the energy to move with them. I am used to doing this with a counselor or on my own (that's kind of scary on your own!) So these women stayed with me and crooned and rubbed my back while I retched into a recycle bin. I realized afterwards that the bin is very important. It is a receptacle for the poison in me. Out of my body and into a receptacle.
I have never moved energy like that with anyone but a certified person because I was always afraid I would hurt the people around me. I didn't want them to be inflicted with anything coming from me. Keep others safe. My sisters are the same, they protect and keep those safe around them. They have always tried to keep me safe and protected. When does wanting other to be safe, protected and championed become something that grows in scope and momentum to become huge and out of control. I can become so fixated on wanting someone else to be well, do well, have everything they need, it becomes very unhealthy. Boundaries, understanding the person or people will be okay, what my role really looks like. The Boy had recently said that I can make people uncomfortable making sure they are comfortable, I can be overly solicitous was his implication. He's 12 and male and had me figured out already. Hmmmm . . . . observant child.
I think that message came very clearly as a young child. Keep others safe. Keep your sib's safe, keep everyone safe, because you just never know whats coming, or when its going to get there. The blessings of living with a multi-personalitied individual.
I went out this afternoon in shorts. I never ever leave my house in shorts unless its to the pool in our complex or the beach and even then its a long sarong. My thighs are not my favorite body part. As I was driving back to the ball park, I was thinking about that and how I protect the world around me from my ugly thighs, and fat upper arms. Really . . . . that's what the world needs protecting from!? MY EGO. If people look at my thighs and arms and are disgusted. Sorry about that. I did say I was about keeping others safe!
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired of my body. My poor body has been through so much. Its time to love this body up. To love it and cherish it, wrap it up in pretty paper and put a bow on it!!!!!!!!!!!
I have decided that I am going to wear beautiful clothes that speak to who I am today. Whatever that looks like. Appropriate but, sexy or pretty or soft or whatever. Clothes that make me feel feminine.
I have just had enough of feeling so fat and ugly. I have said for many years now that when I look in the mirror or down at my own body I wonder who that person is. I have known for some time now that this body is not mine. It is not the body I was intended to have. My brain "sees" my body one way and then I look in the mirror and start to cry. They don't match up. My brain "body" is tall and strong and fit. I carry myself well with beautiful posture, my limbs are long and strong. Muscled and sleek. Broad shoulder deep chested, small waisted and round hipped. Strong thighs and beautiful beautiful feet.
I always hated my feet growing up. Duck feet. Wide and weird. Today I love my feet. They are wide, but, they are beautiful and my toes are lovely, and I have beautiful toe nails. I love the freckle on my big toe beside my nail. I love my feet and take very good care of them. Everyone knows a pedicure is a great gift for me!
When I look in the mirror, I see something completely different. The messages don't jive.
Then I started to have the visions come of a "fat suit" and "zipping" it off. Of zipping it off and stepping out of it. My true body being revealed (someone said that to me about 20 years ago) your body has yet to be revealed. I never forgot that! Then putting together the information my sister gave me, of the zipper in the restraints.
I was driving with my friend and we were doing a circle route back to the hotel and I was telling her my story. It took the whole drive for me and I came back to what I started. Fat suit, restraints, and zipping.
I AM ZIPPING OFF THE RESTRAINTS IN MY CRIB, I AM ALLOWING MY BODY TO MOVE FREELY AND AS IT WANTS. Because of how "trained" my mother made me know that I wasn't to move to be still and obey, and death or something like that would be the punishment. Well, the training worked because here I am at having just turned 50 and the pieces are starting to come together. Fear is holding me in place. As the Soul Coach I saw once helped me figure out. I am ready to lose weight and move from this place, panic is keeping me here.
The training my mother used and father must have been really really good, because I think my sib's might be going through the same thing. FEAR. False Evidence Appearing Real. But, with fear that deep it doesn't feel false it feels very real. Right deep in the body.
After the energy work yesterday (or whatever its called) my knees stopped hurting as did my back. I was so tired I felt like I had run miles. I ate in appropriately last night, and I knew what I was doing.
I was thinking about that as I was finishing dinner prep tonight, and being so sick of being fat and not wearing pretty clothes. Song lyrics popped into my head "often times it happens when we live our lives in chains and we didn't even know we had the keys"! The Eagles. The brain is an amazing thing and God is Amazing always providing. Always giving us the keys to become free.
Quote from yesterday "Our soul should be our only judge"
I pray to be loving and caring, nurturing and kind to myself. With thought and deed, with nourishment and association.
I am so grateful for my sisters, for my female friends, for my daughters. All that female energy: healing, caring, loving. I love the men too, but it's a different energy. I think because I was so denied a woman's love growing up that I shunned it as unnecessary because I never received it, the rejection hurt too much. Today I allow and embrace and encourage female love. I think this is why my mother hated my grandmothers so much. They gave me/us the love we needed and we became so very bonded to them.
My sister recently had a conversation with our mother and part of the content was about love and when she stopped loving her in particular. I totally understand that. My mother never loved me. Ever. I have known that for years and told counselors that. They have said of course she loved you at some point, or you are right she didn't . Some people are so horrified. But, I know the truth deep in my gut, and my gut/Truth tells me that it never happened.
"all we need is love" the beatles
"Faith Hope and Love, the greatest of these is Love" the Bible (my favorite verse)
"love will keep us together"
The list goes on an on of things about Love.
I pray for Love for each and everyone on of us, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your Love.
I know that somewhere in my life as a very young child I was threatened repeatedly with regards to behaving and staying where I was supposed to be, to not cause any trouble to behave and do as I was told always.
To the point that some sort of fear tactics by my mother were so profoundly driven into me (and my sib's too probably) that I am paralyzed trying to release myself.
This is hard to explain even to myself.
What I have come to realize is this: I currently live as this woman today, functioning along as an adult, with the skills of a very young child buried very deeply.
Having recently figured out the "fat suit" " crib restraint" thing, I am realizing that I am still living in this place of profound fear. If I bust loose and really go for "it" something really bad is going to happen. I think somewhere along the way I have been very threatened. Also, what message I am getting from deep within and coming up to the surface is that if I do what I want and when I want to then . . . I will no longer be loved or cared for.
I am eating away here today after some really profound experiences yesterday and wondering what is driving the eating. Something is. What am I really trying to avoid or stuff. What am I afraid of.
Because afraid is what instantly popped up for me. I am afraid. What am I afraid of? I am afraid that if I really do this thing, if I become fit and healthy, beautiful and alluring, if I live a fantastic life that I am supposed to live then my mother will no longer love me. But, she isn't in my life, so I have transferred that to my husband. I realized this 30 years ago, and here I am back to the beginning. SIGH...
I remember leaving counseling one day and walking the upper levels bridge in Edmonton back into the city. And realizing then that if i lived my life as I wanted then Brent would think I didn't need him and he would reject me and no longer love me. Here I am back at that again. 30 years later.
I think that I was so denied love, care or compassion to the point of abject fear. We were so terrified of our mother. I remember being called downstairs by her and my sister Pat going with me, and telling me, don't let her see you are afraid of her. If you cry it will be worse, and her showing me how to dig my finger nails into my palms so I could focus on that instead of hearing my mother berate me.
When she would call us we would be sick to our stomachs. My whole bowel would become wobbly. She had figured out and said something to us in such a way that we understood that we would be dead we would die if we did not do what we were told
I have a thing about my death. I have spent long parts of my life planning my service, what music etc. So I wouldn't have to burden anyone else with it. Sick huh. One day several years ago, I made a decision to not plan that any more. To plan to live and be.
I think that some time in our lives we have been threatened with death as a way of being controlled. However, with our mother she is so covert and sick that it could have looked like anything, but, the message was very clear. Death. I have read where young children see death as very real as part of a survival instinct.
Its in the very fiber of our bodies for survival as babies. So what happened? What was said or not said, implied.
What I know for sure is that fear tactics of some sort were used in a very sneaky covert way. It is so woven into the warp and weft of the fibers of my life. So that today without being aware I operate from a place of very deep fear. Just simply not aware.
Yesterday I was with my workmates and we were all sharing information about ourselves, and all this female energy started moving around. I don't even remember what got me started but I was sharing about being zipped into restraints of some sort my mother sewed and tied into my crib. I had a memory while I was standing there. The memory was fleeting and more an image and a "gut" sensation. I started retching, here it comes. I remembered being orally abused while being restrained. It was so very brief I could have missed it under different circumstances. I started to cry and the friends brought me in and sat me down. Closed the door and just rubbed my back. I made the decision to allow the energy to move with them. I am used to doing this with a counselor or on my own (that's kind of scary on your own!) So these women stayed with me and crooned and rubbed my back while I retched into a recycle bin. I realized afterwards that the bin is very important. It is a receptacle for the poison in me. Out of my body and into a receptacle.
I have never moved energy like that with anyone but a certified person because I was always afraid I would hurt the people around me. I didn't want them to be inflicted with anything coming from me. Keep others safe. My sisters are the same, they protect and keep those safe around them. They have always tried to keep me safe and protected. When does wanting other to be safe, protected and championed become something that grows in scope and momentum to become huge and out of control. I can become so fixated on wanting someone else to be well, do well, have everything they need, it becomes very unhealthy. Boundaries, understanding the person or people will be okay, what my role really looks like. The Boy had recently said that I can make people uncomfortable making sure they are comfortable, I can be overly solicitous was his implication. He's 12 and male and had me figured out already. Hmmmm . . . . observant child.
I think that message came very clearly as a young child. Keep others safe. Keep your sib's safe, keep everyone safe, because you just never know whats coming, or when its going to get there. The blessings of living with a multi-personalitied individual.
I went out this afternoon in shorts. I never ever leave my house in shorts unless its to the pool in our complex or the beach and even then its a long sarong. My thighs are not my favorite body part. As I was driving back to the ball park, I was thinking about that and how I protect the world around me from my ugly thighs, and fat upper arms. Really . . . . that's what the world needs protecting from!? MY EGO. If people look at my thighs and arms and are disgusted. Sorry about that. I did say I was about keeping others safe!
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired of my body. My poor body has been through so much. Its time to love this body up. To love it and cherish it, wrap it up in pretty paper and put a bow on it!!!!!!!!!!!
I have decided that I am going to wear beautiful clothes that speak to who I am today. Whatever that looks like. Appropriate but, sexy or pretty or soft or whatever. Clothes that make me feel feminine.
I have just had enough of feeling so fat and ugly. I have said for many years now that when I look in the mirror or down at my own body I wonder who that person is. I have known for some time now that this body is not mine. It is not the body I was intended to have. My brain "sees" my body one way and then I look in the mirror and start to cry. They don't match up. My brain "body" is tall and strong and fit. I carry myself well with beautiful posture, my limbs are long and strong. Muscled and sleek. Broad shoulder deep chested, small waisted and round hipped. Strong thighs and beautiful beautiful feet.
I always hated my feet growing up. Duck feet. Wide and weird. Today I love my feet. They are wide, but, they are beautiful and my toes are lovely, and I have beautiful toe nails. I love the freckle on my big toe beside my nail. I love my feet and take very good care of them. Everyone knows a pedicure is a great gift for me!
When I look in the mirror, I see something completely different. The messages don't jive.
Then I started to have the visions come of a "fat suit" and "zipping" it off. Of zipping it off and stepping out of it. My true body being revealed (someone said that to me about 20 years ago) your body has yet to be revealed. I never forgot that! Then putting together the information my sister gave me, of the zipper in the restraints.
I was driving with my friend and we were doing a circle route back to the hotel and I was telling her my story. It took the whole drive for me and I came back to what I started. Fat suit, restraints, and zipping.
I AM ZIPPING OFF THE RESTRAINTS IN MY CRIB, I AM ALLOWING MY BODY TO MOVE FREELY AND AS IT WANTS. Because of how "trained" my mother made me know that I wasn't to move to be still and obey, and death or something like that would be the punishment. Well, the training worked because here I am at having just turned 50 and the pieces are starting to come together. Fear is holding me in place. As the Soul Coach I saw once helped me figure out. I am ready to lose weight and move from this place, panic is keeping me here.
The training my mother used and father must have been really really good, because I think my sib's might be going through the same thing. FEAR. False Evidence Appearing Real. But, with fear that deep it doesn't feel false it feels very real. Right deep in the body.
After the energy work yesterday (or whatever its called) my knees stopped hurting as did my back. I was so tired I felt like I had run miles. I ate in appropriately last night, and I knew what I was doing.
I was thinking about that as I was finishing dinner prep tonight, and being so sick of being fat and not wearing pretty clothes. Song lyrics popped into my head "often times it happens when we live our lives in chains and we didn't even know we had the keys"! The Eagles. The brain is an amazing thing and God is Amazing always providing. Always giving us the keys to become free.
Quote from yesterday "Our soul should be our only judge"
I pray to be loving and caring, nurturing and kind to myself. With thought and deed, with nourishment and association.
I am so grateful for my sisters, for my female friends, for my daughters. All that female energy: healing, caring, loving. I love the men too, but it's a different energy. I think because I was so denied a woman's love growing up that I shunned it as unnecessary because I never received it, the rejection hurt too much. Today I allow and embrace and encourage female love. I think this is why my mother hated my grandmothers so much. They gave me/us the love we needed and we became so very bonded to them.
My sister recently had a conversation with our mother and part of the content was about love and when she stopped loving her in particular. I totally understand that. My mother never loved me. Ever. I have known that for years and told counselors that. They have said of course she loved you at some point, or you are right she didn't . Some people are so horrified. But, I know the truth deep in my gut, and my gut/Truth tells me that it never happened.
"all we need is love" the beatles
"Faith Hope and Love, the greatest of these is Love" the Bible (my favorite verse)
"love will keep us together"
The list goes on an on of things about Love.
I pray for Love for each and everyone on of us, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your Love.
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