Not sure what it going on however, it seems that in my life things are really going full circle.
I know that somewhere in my life as a very young child I was threatened repeatedly with regards to behaving and staying where I was supposed to be, to not cause any trouble to behave and do as I was told always.
To the point that some sort of fear tactics by my mother were so profoundly driven into me (and my sib's too probably) that I am paralyzed trying to release myself.
This is hard to explain even to myself.
What I have come to realize is this: I currently live as this woman today, functioning along as an adult, with the skills of a very young child buried very deeply.
Having recently figured out the "fat suit" " crib restraint" thing, I am realizing that I am still living in this place of profound fear. If I bust loose and really go for "it" something really bad is going to happen. I think somewhere along the way I have been very threatened. Also, what message I am getting from deep within and coming up to the surface is that if I do what I want and when I want to then . . . I will no longer be loved or cared for.
I am eating away here today after some really profound experiences yesterday and wondering what is driving the eating. Something is. What am I really trying to avoid or stuff. What am I afraid of.
Because afraid is what instantly popped up for me. I am afraid. What am I afraid of? I am afraid that if I really do this thing, if I become fit and healthy, beautiful and alluring, if I live a fantastic life that I am supposed to live then my mother will no longer love me. But, she isn't in my life, so I have transferred that to my husband. I realized this 30 years ago, and here I am back to the beginning. SIGH...
I remember leaving counseling one day and walking the upper levels bridge in Edmonton back into the city. And realizing then that if i lived my life as I wanted then Brent would think I didn't need him and he would reject me and no longer love me. Here I am back at that again. 30 years later.
I think that I was so denied love, care or compassion to the point of abject fear. We were so terrified of our mother. I remember being called downstairs by her and my sister Pat going with me, and telling me, don't let her see you are afraid of her. If you cry it will be worse, and her showing me how to dig my finger nails into my palms so I could focus on that instead of hearing my mother berate me.
When she would call us we would be sick to our stomachs. My whole bowel would become wobbly. She had figured out and said something to us in such a way that we understood that we would be dead we would die if we did not do what we were told
I have a thing about my death. I have spent long parts of my life planning my service, what music etc. So I wouldn't have to burden anyone else with it. Sick huh. One day several years ago, I made a decision to not plan that any more. To plan to live and be.
I think that some time in our lives we have been threatened with death as a way of being controlled. However, with our mother she is so covert and sick that it could have looked like anything, but, the message was very clear. Death. I have read where young children see death as very real as part of a survival instinct.
Its in the very fiber of our bodies for survival as babies. So what happened? What was said or not said, implied.
What I know for sure is that fear tactics of some sort were used in a very sneaky covert way. It is so woven into the warp and weft of the fibers of my life. So that today without being aware I operate from a place of very deep fear. Just simply not aware.
Yesterday I was with my workmates and we were all sharing information about ourselves, and all this female energy started moving around. I don't even remember what got me started but I was sharing about being zipped into restraints of some sort my mother sewed and tied into my crib. I had a memory while I was standing there. The memory was fleeting and more an image and a "gut" sensation. I started retching, here it comes. I remembered being orally abused while being restrained. It was so very brief I could have missed it under different circumstances. I started to cry and the friends brought me in and sat me down. Closed the door and just rubbed my back. I made the decision to allow the energy to move with them. I am used to doing this with a counselor or on my own (that's kind of scary on your own!) So these women stayed with me and crooned and rubbed my back while I retched into a recycle bin. I realized afterwards that the bin is very important. It is a receptacle for the poison in me. Out of my body and into a receptacle.
I have never moved energy like that with anyone but a certified person because I was always afraid I would hurt the people around me. I didn't want them to be inflicted with anything coming from me. Keep others safe. My sisters are the same, they protect and keep those safe around them. They have always tried to keep me safe and protected. When does wanting other to be safe, protected and championed become something that grows in scope and momentum to become huge and out of control. I can become so fixated on wanting someone else to be well, do well, have everything they need, it becomes very unhealthy. Boundaries, understanding the person or people will be okay, what my role really looks like. The Boy had recently said that I can make people uncomfortable making sure they are comfortable, I can be overly solicitous was his implication. He's 12 and male and had me figured out already. Hmmmm . . . . observant child.
I think that message came very clearly as a young child. Keep others safe. Keep your sib's safe, keep everyone safe, because you just never know whats coming, or when its going to get there. The blessings of living with a multi-personalitied individual.
I went out this afternoon in shorts. I never ever leave my house in shorts unless its to the pool in our complex or the beach and even then its a long sarong. My thighs are not my favorite body part. As I was driving back to the ball park, I was thinking about that and how I protect the world around me from my ugly thighs, and fat upper arms. Really . . . . that's what the world needs protecting from!? MY EGO. If people look at my thighs and arms and are disgusted. Sorry about that. I did say I was about keeping others safe!
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired of my body. My poor body has been through so much. Its time to love this body up. To love it and cherish it, wrap it up in pretty paper and put a bow on it!!!!!!!!!!!
I have decided that I am going to wear beautiful clothes that speak to who I am today. Whatever that looks like. Appropriate but, sexy or pretty or soft or whatever. Clothes that make me feel feminine.
I have just had enough of feeling so fat and ugly. I have said for many years now that when I look in the mirror or down at my own body I wonder who that person is. I have known for some time now that this body is not mine. It is not the body I was intended to have. My brain "sees" my body one way and then I look in the mirror and start to cry. They don't match up. My brain "body" is tall and strong and fit. I carry myself well with beautiful posture, my limbs are long and strong. Muscled and sleek. Broad shoulder deep chested, small waisted and round hipped. Strong thighs and beautiful beautiful feet.
I always hated my feet growing up. Duck feet. Wide and weird. Today I love my feet. They are wide, but, they are beautiful and my toes are lovely, and I have beautiful toe nails. I love the freckle on my big toe beside my nail. I love my feet and take very good care of them. Everyone knows a pedicure is a great gift for me!
When I look in the mirror, I see something completely different. The messages don't jive.
Then I started to have the visions come of a "fat suit" and "zipping" it off. Of zipping it off and stepping out of it. My true body being revealed (someone said that to me about 20 years ago) your body has yet to be revealed. I never forgot that! Then putting together the information my sister gave me, of the zipper in the restraints.
I was driving with my friend and we were doing a circle route back to the hotel and I was telling her my story. It took the whole drive for me and I came back to what I started. Fat suit, restraints, and zipping.
I AM ZIPPING OFF THE RESTRAINTS IN MY CRIB, I AM ALLOWING MY BODY TO MOVE FREELY AND AS IT WANTS. Because of how "trained" my mother made me know that I wasn't to move to be still and obey, and death or something like that would be the punishment. Well, the training worked because here I am at having just turned 50 and the pieces are starting to come together. Fear is holding me in place. As the Soul Coach I saw once helped me figure out. I am ready to lose weight and move from this place, panic is keeping me here.
The training my mother used and father must have been really really good, because I think my sib's might be going through the same thing. FEAR. False Evidence Appearing Real. But, with fear that deep it doesn't feel false it feels very real. Right deep in the body.
After the energy work yesterday (or whatever its called) my knees stopped hurting as did my back. I was so tired I felt like I had run miles. I ate in appropriately last night, and I knew what I was doing.
I was thinking about that as I was finishing dinner prep tonight, and being so sick of being fat and not wearing pretty clothes. Song lyrics popped into my head "often times it happens when we live our lives in chains and we didn't even know we had the keys"! The Eagles. The brain is an amazing thing and God is Amazing always providing. Always giving us the keys to become free.
Quote from yesterday "Our soul should be our only judge"
I pray to be loving and caring, nurturing and kind to myself. With thought and deed, with nourishment and association.
I am so grateful for my sisters, for my female friends, for my daughters. All that female energy: healing, caring, loving. I love the men too, but it's a different energy. I think because I was so denied a woman's love growing up that I shunned it as unnecessary because I never received it, the rejection hurt too much. Today I allow and embrace and encourage female love. I think this is why my mother hated my grandmothers so much. They gave me/us the love we needed and we became so very bonded to them.
My sister recently had a conversation with our mother and part of the content was about love and when she stopped loving her in particular. I totally understand that. My mother never loved me. Ever. I have known that for years and told counselors that. They have said of course she loved you at some point, or you are right she didn't . Some people are so horrified. But, I know the truth deep in my gut, and my gut/Truth tells me that it never happened.
"all we need is love" the beatles
"Faith Hope and Love, the greatest of these is Love" the Bible (my favorite verse)
"love will keep us together"
The list goes on an on of things about Love.
I pray for Love for each and everyone on of us, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your Love.
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