Blueberries and Sunshine

Sitting in the garden reading my book and eating my breakfast. The book: The Lost Garden by Helen Humphreys. Great book.

I realize I am eating by rote and decide to be in my body while I eat not distracted by reading.  My stomach releases and eases.  Its easier to breath.

I begin to really observe what I am eating.  (I am great at distracting myself from my food, a life long habit of denial that I am eating) the very thing I do for pleasure and I even distract myself from that, the sin of gorging. If I don't acknowledge it maybe it didn't happen. Hmmm  . . . . like so many things in life!

I chose to consciously eat my blueberries and raspberries and really observe the delight that they are. Each a perfect jewel.  I love berries.

The blueberries as they begin to warm slightly in the sun begin to have a dusky bloom as the moisture inside begins to bead on the blue skin.  Each a perfect globe of construction from the bloom end to the stem. They are perfect, fleshy, seedy ready to create something wonderful either in the ground planted, or in my body, planted.  Raspberries. Each perfect little seed pocket nature has created.  I like to tuck a blueberry inside a raspberry. So pleasing the colors together and the tastes too!

As I finish and the thought arises, if I eat these good foods for me, and strive to lose weight and become unencumbered of the weight, the shame, the sickness that is the fat on my body, I wonder why the fat won't go. Why is is there still after all this time?  Why when so many people eat more than I and way worse foods they are smaller or losing weight. Why.

Why because I am tied to my mother. That is what arose from inside. The tie literally that Healing Woman saw from the back of my fear Chakra is tied to someone. I think its to my mother, I thought that already when she told me.  So much that is inextricably tied to her and I wasn't even conscious of it. I can still remember being in my young teens and tweens and weighing myself and the numbers just kept rising and I has helpless to do anything about it. The despair and sadness, the inability to have any control over anything, my life, my weight.
I would just watch her drive away to the bar and leave me at home, in my own little slice of hell.  A young girl just wanting to be pretty and feel good about herself. I felt like a fat ugly monster, un-loveable and certainly unlikeable. God knows she told me often enough.  Never enough was I. Never.  I am seeing so many experiences through fresh eyes now.  I am so grateful.  I was enough, I was never meant to be left alone and unloved and uncared for for hours on end. To put myself to bed and feed myself and care for myself. But in reality it was a favor in some ways. When she was at the bar the house was quiet. It was peace filled. I didn't have to listen to her music blaring - sad music echoing her own sadness and insanity.  I just waited for her to come home drunk with one of her males and just want to crawl away.  Sleep interrupted always. Sometimes violent fights, sometimes the same men, sometimes different ones.  Her suicide attempts, her laughing screaming insanity.  Phone calls to the police, help from neighbors.  Why didn't she just fuck off?  I feel the despair even sitting and writing this.  The insanity.  I guess this is my opportunity to have a look and move forward.  To acknowledge the insanity and know that it wasn't mine. It was theirs. Time to reveal my life and my body, not the life and body their insanity made!

Healing Woman (HW) has emailed me to set an appt. time for our first session. I had emailed her for her shoe size (I am  knitting her socks)  and she said it sounded like it was time to set our first session. I quietly freaked out. As much as I want this my stomach clenched and my heart started to pound.  Fear knows that changes are a coming.

I can actually see the fear encapsulated in my body now.  I can see it in my knees and hips, I can feel it in my abdomen. I can begin to see that the fear isn't even mind. The fear is the abusers in my life that they have put on me.  It is my fear in a different way.  My response to it as well.

Had coffee with Grace yesterday and were speaking of mothers. Her mother had this "thing" with her eyes and brows. Whoa, so did mine. It was a Gloria Swanson type look, haughty and demeaning and so profoundly controlling.  It was actually unspeakable, "The Look".  One eye brow up and this look of disdain. I swear I would be a mouldering pile of ashes on the floor after my own mother looked at me like that.

Her specialty was the one eye brow raised a la Dr. Spock on Star Trek. WTF!  Really, what was that all about. Its laughable now, and really it was then if the fear had been so real. As if that look could strike you dead. Grace said that too, death.

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN?  And really Gloria Swanson, Elizabeth Taylor and Joan Crawford and all those script writers and directors have a ton to answer for.  The Look, power, control, fear, disdain, the whole ball of wax in one.

I am on a relationship journey with myself.  Hello you its nice to meet you.  You look like a person I would like to get to know.

Here's to love and light and laughter