Truth and Punishment

As I go through my days right now, speaking my truth as I know it today, I am having this all pervading fear. Nothing is different each day from any other day, the days are really very quiet and calm compared with the spring months and early summer months. 

So what is this fear from?  I made my first appt. with Healing Woman (HW) and I am not certain what it is going to look like, and how I am going to feel?  I am afraid my whole world will shatter into a million little pieces, and I will never be able to pick them up again. Humpty Dumpty. 

But, the other part of me knows that HW will take care of me, and I will be safe.

I told my dr. about the restraints and abuse today. I just felt like it was something he should know, perhaps for my file. I am telling the truth with people I feel safe with.  It wasn't necessarily a planned event.
More like the pressure valve on a pressure cooker.  She's gonna blow!    Na, I just see the steam valve on my Gramma's old pressure cooker, its wobbling away and the steam is blowing out the bottom. Rather cartoon like!

Dr. W. was so respectful, and his face kind of dropped. He stayed very calm and honoring, and told me I could speak with him and time and tell him anything.  Gotta love a man like that!   It just makes me want to cry writing this. Any sympathy of any sort and I am balling my eyes out. 

I felt some panic after I spoke to him and more of a sadness while I was telling him with a bit of panic. I was thinking about that this afternoon.  That I was speaking my truth today and the responses.

And really what was I afraid of? Yes I have things stored in my body, I have things I am looking at and pursing to heal, all of these things I have done before. So what was different?  Punishment.  I am speaking the truth and I am waiting for the punishment.

Tell the truth = punishment

Somewhere in my programming there is the truth/punishment factor. Like being tied up in my crib wasn't bad enough, being beaten by my mother wasn't bad enough, being sexually assaulted by my father wasn't bad enough, being mentally and spiritually abused wasn't bad enough - somewhere in my make up is the punishment factor. If you tell you are in big trouble

FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  All of you fuck off, because guess what?!  I am telling the truth, I have told the truth all the way along and there is not one thing that you can do to me.  There is nothing left you can do to me. God will not punish me or hurt me or kill someone I love because I told the truth. If something awful happens to me or those I love it is  not because of me telling. Its because something awful has happened, not because of me but because it simply happened. 

As I was writing that, I was wondering what implications were made to me, that if I told something bad was going to happen.  I was typing as fast as I could without thought per se and one part of me was conscious of
the fact that somewhere somehow I have been told that if I told the truth, if I told what was really happening, something really bad was going to happen to me, or those I loved or cared about.

I remember when I first cleaned up 20 years ago, being so afraid that  my child would be taken from me, or me taken from her. That I would lose her.  No one would ever had done that, and despite some of my mental melt downs with her,I was a good mom who did her best each day to love and care for her, teach  her and
guide her.   But, I just had this all pervading sense of destruction coming. What I now understand that I didn't then exactly, is that I have been told that if I spoke the truth there would be catastrophic events taking place and it would be MY FAULT.  There it is. 

This is pretty big.  I have taken responsibility for all the bad things that have happened to those around me, when I have been around, because they wouldn't have happened had I shut my mouth and not told the truth.
To this day, when I am unhappy or sad, or angry (especially) with Brent (he is the mother/father substitute - poor unwitting bastard!) I shut my mouth and don't speak because if I do the punishment will be so much worse than anything they had already done.

Who raises and cares for children like that? Who does that?  Who speaks to children that way? 

The polygamist in the states who is being charged with sex with a minor who had audio tapes of him raping his 12 year old bride with his other adult wives in the room.  WHO DOES THAT?!  A predator.  Predators do that.  People who are so sick and screwed up that they can't see that what they are doing is so wrong.

Who takes an innocent sweet babe and sexually assaults them?  What mother makes a restraint and ties her child into the crib, zips her in first and then ties so she can't move?  What father sticks his penis in that child's mouth while she is restrained.  Who does that? 

And because of all that, who am I today?  Who am I?  Back to the beginning. I don't know who I am in many ways.  I don't know what my body looks like exactly because I am covered in a layer of fat that is not of my making. I was eating and abusing my body, continuing to numb the pain and perpetuate the punishment and restraints.  Today I am a human being aware of all these, and today I can make a new decision. Based on getting to know myself, today.

God, I am tired. Please may I rest in your arms.  Holy Spirit please show your way for me today. Jesus, I am tired today so tired and afraid and sad, please come beside me and walk that I may not be alone.

I love you Jesus, I love you God, I love you Holy Spirit. 

I love you Colleen you child survivor, you amazing Truth Teller.  You are safe today, you are safe tomorrow, you are safe, safe, safe. God has me in his arms, I am safe with HW, I am safe with my family and friends.

It is safe for me to tell the truth. 

Breathe.