I went back to reread an email sent by my sister and thought this would help some one out there. It certainly helps me to read this.
Our major care giver has some things that they were going through and shaming us was a predominant way of parenting us. By no means do I parent bash here, they did what they did, and it hurt, however, it is up to me to be a responsible, caring adult who cares lovingly for myself.
However, when I read these, it helps me to understand the following - I never ever, because of my up bringing, abuse and violence, had a chance to develop into the child I was perhaps meant to be. Without support and encouragement, love and care, nurturing, I never had a chance to find out who I am. I was always struggling to be who my parents needed me to be to take care of them.
So I sit at an interesting place once again in my life. Who am I really, and what do I stand for. In my 50th year I am so excited to be finding this out.
Many years ago, early in my addition recovery, I had the same realization, that what I grew up with, the home and family I believed I had, in fact were lies, the reality I had created for myself, was there to help me through the violence and abuse. And when I got clean long enough I realized that I had put up an idealized version to cope with what really was happening, and I came to believe those lies I created. It was a way to cope. So I was left with a life that was built on lies, what I was left with was a life that wasn't true. And I didn't even know who I was or what was true. What was true was I didn't even know myself because who I was supposed to be never ever go developed. I grieved over this, and my sponsor who was so brilliant said to me "that is so cool, because now you can be who ever you want". She freed me with that.
I can be who ever I want, and I am coming to that again in my life. I can be who ever I want. I create this current reality based (unknowingly and knowingly) on old precepts, that are NOT EVEN MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am basing who I am and what I believe in on another persons opinions and beliefs and they are mentally ill and haven't been in my life for over 35 years really.
The saddest thing for me, is that my very being has the fibers - warp and weft - of her illness. As I write this I am crying, and choosing to stay in this place of sadness. Of loss and grief. I am the person I am today, built up trying to re-weave my fibers to come along side to who I am really meant to be. I am reweaving, knitting who I am meant to be.
It is so important to me as a mother to allow my children to be their own person. To support them and guide them to become who they were meant to be. I never ever want them to do what I want because they want to please me, or for any other reason (except clean their rooms and do the dishes!) I want my children to be their own persons. I hope for them, love and joy, for them to be productive members of their society, which will reap rewards for them, and those around them. I want them to embrace their lives and have fun and light and laughter. To work hard and feel a good days labor and a sense of self satisfaction. As I write this I have had a thought, the very things I want for my children, are the very things I can decide to have for myself. The things that I embrace as a mother for my children I can embrace for myself as I grow into who I am and what I believe. Its never to late to become the child God meant me to be. The past and history, are simply that, and yet I do let it reach into the present, it is part of my fabric of being, my one sister has said its like its in our DNA. Perhaps it is, who knows, what I do know is I can choose to walk in that place or not. Its not always easy, and I certainly don't make it easy on myself.
Be gentle, loving and kind to myself. Be open to receive. Ask for and be open to support and love.
Many years ago, early in my addition recovery, I had the same realization, that what I grew up with, the home and family I believed I had, in fact were lies, the reality I had created for myself, was there to help me through the violence and abuse. And when I got clean long enough I realized that I had put up an idealized version to cope with what really was happening, and I came to believe those lies I created. It was a way to cope. So I was left with a life that was built on lies, what I was left with was a life that wasn't true. And I didn't even know who I was or what was true. What was true was I didn't even know myself because who I was supposed to be never ever go developed. I grieved over this, and my sponsor who was so brilliant said to me "that is so cool, because now you can be who ever you want". She freed me with that.
I can be who ever I want, and I am coming to that again in my life. I can be who ever I want. I create this current reality based (unknowingly and knowingly) on old precepts, that are NOT EVEN MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am basing who I am and what I believe in on another persons opinions and beliefs and they are mentally ill and haven't been in my life for over 35 years really.
The saddest thing for me, is that my very being has the fibers - warp and weft - of her illness. As I write this I am crying, and choosing to stay in this place of sadness. Of loss and grief. I am the person I am today, built up trying to re-weave my fibers to come along side to who I am really meant to be. I am reweaving, knitting who I am meant to be.
It is so important to me as a mother to allow my children to be their own person. To support them and guide them to become who they were meant to be. I never ever want them to do what I want because they want to please me, or for any other reason (except clean their rooms and do the dishes!) I want my children to be their own persons. I hope for them, love and joy, for them to be productive members of their society, which will reap rewards for them, and those around them. I want them to embrace their lives and have fun and light and laughter. To work hard and feel a good days labor and a sense of self satisfaction. As I write this I have had a thought, the very things I want for my children, are the very things I can decide to have for myself. The things that I embrace as a mother for my children I can embrace for myself as I grow into who I am and what I believe. Its never to late to become the child God meant me to be. The past and history, are simply that, and yet I do let it reach into the present, it is part of my fabric of being, my one sister has said its like its in our DNA. Perhaps it is, who knows, what I do know is I can choose to walk in that place or not. Its not always easy, and I certainly don't make it easy on myself.
Be gentle, loving and kind to myself. Be open to receive. Ask for and be open to support and love.
Some characteristics of adults shamed in childhood
1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.
2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.
3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.
4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.
5. Adults shamed as children feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."
6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.
7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.
8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.
9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.
10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.
11. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and make-up in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.
12. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.
13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.
14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.
15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.
16. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholics, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.
17. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.
18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.
19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.
20. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.
21. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.
2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.
3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.
4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.
5. Adults shamed as children feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."
6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.
7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.
8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.
9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.
10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.
11. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and make-up in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.
12. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.
13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.
14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.
15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.
16. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholics, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.
17. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.
18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.
19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.
20. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.
21. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.
No comments:
Post a Comment